A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:my daughter quit talking to me. how can i repair our relationship? it was over her relationship with her boyfriend of ten years. please help! my daughter won't even give me her phone number. i know her boyfriend is behind of all of this. when she was in the hospital he talked terrible about her. she has two children by him. he has promised to marry her and it hasn't happened yet and he doesn't work she supports him. i feel i have lost her and my grandchildren forever because he controls her. the only relationship she has is with him and his family.what can i do ? i have her e-mail address and i asked for her number and her reply was it would be to awkward to talk to me please advise. sleepless Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): hello, i am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am going through a simular situation so i understand how you feel ..It is a terrible feeling to lost a child..thank GOD she is still alive ..mine to i can seemine when she comes to visit but they keep calling her to come back to them ...she is being mind control she is a young woman and the law says i cant do any thing..but my advice to you is not to give up and by her being an adult ..she have power by law... I pray and hope that she would one day realize that you love her and have enough courage to leave and come home ...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): It sounds as though she must be very afraid. Perhaps you could get a message to her somehow. Tell her that you love her and always will. Tell her also that if she is ever in need she can count on you, you would do anything to help her. Perhaps she is afraid of what he would do. In the UK there are safehouses women can go to with an organisation called "Refuge". You can read about domestic violence on their website. Perhaps you should call a similar organisation near you to ask for advice. I had to once and they were great, even letting me know how to prepare to leave by making sure I took passports and birth cerificates with me. This all presumes that she would go if she could. It takes a while, sometimes ages, to get to that point. The more scared he makes her and the more he undermines her esteem, the less courage she will have to make a move. Perhaps his family are like a local mafia and she can't see how to ever get away. Perhaps she is afraid that he or his family will come after you.
Do you know whether he hurts her? How are the children doing? Is there anyone they know who would talk to you, a friend of hers for example who may be as worried as you. You could send an anonymous package to her work with info about abuse and refuges, but be careful that she can't know it was you who sent it. So long as she knows you are there for her unconditionally there is a very good chance that she will come back into your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 September 2007):
 I feel for you and the situation you are going through. Sounds like your daughter is in a bad situation too. It's difficult to get some to recognize that they are not being treated in a manner they deserve. He has not right to control her, or to keep the children from you. That is wrong, but what will it take to prove to your daughter it is improper behavior?
Controlling behavior is called???? "domestic violence." Children being around this behavior, and witnessing this abuse is "infliction of emotional harm" weather intentional or not. I'm a parent myself, and I know this is going to be hard, but what she may need is tough love. I'd file with the courts seeking "emergency temporary custody" of the children based on their best interest. The environment they are growing up in, witnessing this behavior is not in their best interest.
That may have a couple of different affects (1) If denied, they may establish a grandparent visitation schedule (depending on the state) (2) award you temporary custody, and you get to build on you relationship with them (3) give your daughter a kick in the rear that her putting up with his behavior may cost her to loose her right to take care of her children according to their interest.
Courts really don't care about her relationship, but they do care about the environment the children are growing up in.
I wish you luck. With whatever you decide, please keep us posted.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I agree with eyes. Not a lot can be done and sadly, the children suffer the most in these situations. They lose the love and support of your daughter's family. CAn I ask something? Have you and your daughter experienced personal conflict in your past, dear? I ask this because sometimes, when we have family who don't associate with us, there are bigger reasons, that need recognizing and resolving. Daughters who love their families just don't 'bail' like this. So I am assuming you and you daughter have a had a loving, respectful relationship in the past? If that is the case, then you paint a picture of a man who is possibly abusing your daughter and has managed to isolate her. I state possible abuse because her husband does not recognize that she has the right to have a relationship with her own family. Your daughter is emotionally embattled and possibly weakened a great deal and sadly, unless you can "prove without any doubt" she is being abused and cannot function clearly by making her own decisions, you are in a situation where you can't do a lot.
If your daughter is fine and agreeable to this situatin she is in, then understand...she does have the right to establish privacy around her marital relationship and her family. The best you can do is: reach out to her in a loving, positive manner, in all possible interactions you may have with her. Send her an nice, light happy email with 'news' about the family. Keep it short. Do not go into any family problems and don't put down her husband nor his family. Avoid any negative, toxic words if at all possible. Tell her how much you really do miss and love her, in a warm, gracious, polite manner and keep all interaction with her positive. Do not inundate her with emails. Start out slow....once every 2-3 weeks. Expect her to 'not' respond. If she writes back and asks you to no longer send emails, then you have to respect that. And it's then, that your hands will be tied. I am sorry. Take care and I wish you the best, hun.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I suppose it all depends on how the original disagreement started, how long ago it was, and what you said to each other that turned her against you and you against the boyfriend. I know you think it's all her boyfriend's fault, but you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that the severance was her doing.She chose him to be her partner, and whether you like it or not, that's her decision. You have to live with it no matter what you think of him. You may have to grit your teeth whenever you utter his name, but the trick is to put on a friendly smiling face towards him, no matter how difficult or hypocritical that may seem to you.Once things are said, they can't be 'unsaid' but apologies all round might be the answer. Just as long as she knows that you'll always have her best interests at heart, and are always there for her, and that your door is open to both of them, time might heal the rift.The sad thing is that your grandchildren will be the ones to suffer the most in the long run. So don't stop sending them birthday and Christmas presents, even if they get sent right back. Perhaps put a little away each week so that when they're aged 18 or whatever, there's a nice little pot of money waiting for them when they come of age. They'll then know that you've always been thinking of them over the years.I hope you get back to how things were sooer rather than later. As is often said, you choose your friends but you're stuck with your family.Phil
...............................
A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (24 September 2007):
 This is a very difficult situation and something I've learned about receiveing advice, is that it's always "easier said then done". If I were you, I'd give her some space. I would also write a letter just to let her know how much you love her and your grandkids. Let her know that you understand what she is going through and you want to be there to give her moral support. Ask her what you can do to help repair your relationship with her. I know from experience that when a woman is forced to chose between her lover and her family that it seems like a hard decision at the moment (and it shouldn't be because a mothers love is stronger that the army of one city, and that's something that cannot be replaced.) She is blinded by his control and authority and she thinks that she needs him more right now, especially having his children. So, the best advice I can give is to give her the space that she needs, but never stop showing her how much you love her, no matter what. She will come around. Especially if her boyfriend is controlling, she'll see that one day and hopefully she will leave him behind, and you will be the first person that she'll run to. Good Luck and God Bless, and remember, "If he brings you to it, he will bring you through it".
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 September 2007):
 Boy oh boy, I sure feel for you on this one. Her boyfriend sounds like a real peice of work. He has her totally under his control. I just hope she isn't terribly unhappy. There is little you can do except to let her know that you love her and will always be there for her. Until she decides to take control of her life and get in contact with you, you'll have to wait this out. Does she live close to you? Maybe you could talk to someone in the boyfriend's family to speak to them on your behalf? You really should be able to see your grandkids.
...............................
|
