A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem which is eating me up so I really need some advice as I don't like turning to those around me.I have an amazing, gorgeous, hilarious boyfriend. We're different, but we work. I love him, completely, and although he tries to hide it, I know he's the same. We've been together for nine months.I go to university in September, and he's joining the Royal Marines where he'll be training for 9 months, and then away on tours for at least 6 months at a time, so I worry about the future of our relationship. I know I should just let it wash, but I worry anyway. I'm not interested in dating anyone else, especially at uni, so other guys won't be an issue, however distance can destroy young relationships so it's on my mind a lot.I'm really good friends with one of the guys I work with (I'm part time - he's full time). We gym hard together and are incredibly similar - I don't have a lot of people in my life I get on as well with as him. The other day, I went to his flat just for a chilled day to forget about revision and hang with him - we had a really good time, and I left feeling much happier than when I'd arrived. My boyfriend had seemed to have no issue when I asked him. However, after I'd left, I got a text through from the guy explaining that he has really strong feelings for me and that he'd spent the day trying not to kiss me. I hadn't got that vibe at all, although I think I do have a small crush on him due to the fact I admire his character traits. Fair enough, we get on really well; he's attractive, passionate, driven, (but so is my boyfriend). I explained that there was nothing that could happen...but I am worried because I feel really upset and frustrated about telling him that. I'm terrified of missing out on people on my life and I guess there's a tiny, awful part of me that questions if my relationship will last, and if not, what am I holding on for and why would I not go for this guy I do click with who will be there, at least in England. However, I think that that is a self-defence mechanism - I'm trying not to become inseparable from my boyfriend because even thinking about him being gone is painful - I dread him going away (which is so not me - I can deal with absence just fine normally).I asked my boyfriend to come round because I needed to see him, talk to him, and ground myself - I told him most of the story - that the guy has feelings and that I'm upset to have lost this person - I asked him if he wanted to know everything (I was thinking about the kiss (that didn't happen) and he said 'not everything' so I didn't tell him that as I think he would have gone mad - he works full time with this guy. He's a clever guy and I think he knows something isn't quite right - I'm still trying to figure out myself why it's so hard to tell the other guy I don't want anything from him. I can't help but wonder if we will ever actually have anything again - he does seem like my perfect guy in some ways and I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be with him, but its the mismatch that works so well for me and my boyfriend - he is my jigsaw piece.A couple of days passed, and I didn't talk to this guy - I was confused, at first because I didn't understand why I was questioning my fantastic relationship, but I'm headstrong and blunt when it comes to feelings normally so I figured, if I was going to leave my boyfriend for this guy, I would have done so already. he keeps saying 'if you were single it would be so different', writing songs and telling me how hard it is for him. I wouldn't go out with him anyway - dating your ex's friends/colleagues isn't cool, at least not for a while, and he wants something now (so feeling upset is totally futile). I can't believe I would question my feelings for this gorgeous guy who has supported me through horrible times and backed away when I needed him to. I spoke to the guy last night, to really clear things up, and again, it really was difficult to tell him I didn't want him, I think because I care so deeply about him, but as my best friend. Turns out, he wants nothing to do with me. I know I've got to give him space, I think I'm just shocked that this came out of nowhere and suddenly I've lost an amazing training partner and a really good friend. I'm not going to be breaking up with my boyfriend. I couldn't dump him ever. I'm genuinely just confused and I need help reconciling these feelings. I'm sorry if this sounds incredibly selfish but right now I'm really upset having sacrificed a best friend in order to stay with someone I love. I only want to make people happy, and I can't.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I think you already explained it yourself pretty well why you are upset . Because you are not sure that your current relationship will stand the test of time and distance. Alas, reasonable concern, since , as you say, distance is often very hard on young relationships. Now, another guy pops up with more or less the same traits that you like in your bf, .. atractive, passionate, driven... you sort of like him and if you were single, very possibly this " like " would evolve into something more. Now, you have to pass this offer, because you are committed to your bf, and want to continue staying with him, if all goes well. And... if NOT everything goes well ?... If long distance turns out to be too much to handle for either of you ?... Then you end up with neither guy , and you fear you'll kick yourself for having passed up an excellent candidate ...all for nothing. Two great guys,... and you might end up with none of them. Very frustrating, yes.
Btw, I am not teasing you, it must be frustrating. I would not call you selfish ; perhaps a little greedy ?, in a natural, human way . You want something good for yourself. You want to be with someone who " gets " you and makes you happy. Guy no. 1 already does, as of now, and guy no.2 seems he could do it too, if he only was given the chance. Which he is NOT being given just because of guy 1... who MIGHT stick around for a long time, or forever, but also might not. In which case , your " sacrifice " would have been pointless.
It makes sense, only... I don't think this is really the right way to look at things. You say you love guy no. 1, he is the one who complements you , that fits just right in your puzzle, the one you'll miss like crazy etc.etc. So, you say that there is NO choice to do, that you have already chosen. Of course, other men may fall in love or in lust woth you in future- so what ? You have made your choice. Or also, you may have some fleeting attraction, some temporary little crush or curiosity for another man,... these things happen. But, once you have chosen, once you have committed, and not just with words but with your heart,...
that will not faze or scare you, you'll just let it glide over you, you 'll know it's just a "moment ". So, it's not really as if you have sacrificed, or will sacrifice, anything- you'll just stay true to your original choice, regardless of any added " distractions " and allures
This, if you DO love the first guy. Not saying you don't, on the other hand I am a bit surprised that having to lose a male friend ( who , after all, is not really a friend, does not see you just as a friend, and does not want you just as a friend, in fact he has romantic feelings, so he is a suitor !, to use an old fashioned word ) should hit you so hard. Yes you'll miss your gym buddy, but... it is for a good cause and a good reason, isn't it ?
As for the gym buddy / rejected suitor, it's normal and wise he acts this way, so don't take it personally. If he has romantic / sexual feelings for you, it's smart of him to want to distance himself to get over his crush, rather than let you friendzone him for the duration, ... ( maybe while, deep down, you are waiting to see what happens with the other guy ? )
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): Thanks guys, I wrote the question. You're definitely right. Its horrible having to leave this guy behind simply because I'll miss the friendship. I don't want anything else from him at all. I realise I was being selfish but not because I actually want to be with my friend. Totally wrong. I know what I've got and I don't want to lose it - I think I panicked and wanted to keep my friend in my life but that's not gonna happen. Thanks
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I think you are questing your feelings because of the risk of your BF going away and you want a fall back plan. You are basically looking for a safety net. You admit you have a crush which under no circumstances should be told to your BF as you will risk him finding comfort with another woman. If you need to express you feeling talk to a friend/mum not the BF. As loving and understanding he may be , no BF wants to hear his GF has a crush on another guy, bad idea. Its for your own good and this friend that you no longer see one another as there appears to be some emotions involved and could be destructive to both. I would suggest its not just him, but you should also keep away. Its best for all parties concerned and you surely don't want to create further complications. Let him go.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 YOU need to shit or get off the pot.
I get that your future isn't carved in stone, not with your life nor your BF. He has a job that takes him away (a lot) and you will have to be a VERY independent woman to make it work, but you will ALSO have to be faithful or there is no point to it.
So this "friend" - you need to respect that he CAN'T be friends with you. HE wants more, maybe not in reality but he LOVES the fantasy. The fact that you ARE tempted should GIVE you a HUGE hint as to what you NEED to do. Go no contact with the friend. And get ready to say goodbye to him.
YOU can't make both happy. You are not a chew toy they can both share.
And I don't think you can have them both in your life as things stand. IT WOULD'T be FAIR on your BF.
MAYBE, you need to find some FEMALE friends so you don't end up in this situation again?
YOU are being quite selfish, because you seem to only think of YOU and what you might lose here. I think you need to put yourself in first your BF's shoes and then your friend's.
HOW would you feel if your BF had a FEMALE friend who declared her LOVE for him and HE didn't NIP IT in the bud? Because he was CONSIDERING that maybe.... the FEMALE friend could be a viable option to date?
HOW would you feel if you had fallen in love with your BEST friend (who has a GF) and he is basically stringing you along because he wants his CAKE (the GF) and EAT (you) it too?
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