A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I have a situation where I can't decide whether it's normal or not.Basically, I have literally no interest in pursuing girls anymore. I'm 25 years old, never had a GF, my sexual experiences are one night stands or brief flings and I've found myself in a place where I'm no longer bothered that I'm not speaking to anyone in a romantic manner.Around a year ago, a girl I was seeing decided to break things off with me and since then I've only slept with one other girl. One of my friends repeatedly tells me that I need to get back into speaking to people and, I'd say in a jokey way, takes the piss out of me because I haven't had sex in months. It's got to a point where I'm just used to it now and it doesn't bother me anymore.The majority of my friends have GFs and I keep getting asked who I'm speaking to and people are always surprised when I say no one. I can't work out whether or not it's normal to not want to pursue females. When I was younger, all I wanted to do was try to sleep with as many girls as possible, sounds childish to say that, but I had a very strong interest in sexual encounters.I do enjoy having sex, I would happily have it everyday if possible, so it's not that I dislike the act, I just can't work out why my interest has dwindled in trying to speak to girls in a romantic sense.Has anyone ever felt this way before? Can anyone offer advice how I can get back to my old self and get back into trying to date? Thankyou
View related questions:
one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): You weren't in Love with her and so you can move on and let her move on too without blaming her for guarding her heart. But heed a warning from a She who never feels love because all you men can understand is that you have "strong feelings". Life isn't fun without LOVE! Good luck !
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 June 2017):
 Anon, back up a bit. Assuming I'm correct about who the OP is, they haven't mentioned that she was manipulative, particularly at the end. The OP's mistake was not getting rid of her properly when he knew they wanted different things and keeping going back to her, but he wasn't nasty to her.
OP, you need to give it time. The last sexual encounter was fairly recently, no? Whilst you weren't in love, it was your first unreciprocated infatuation (for want of a better word). If I'm correct about who you are, you came close to moving on before you let her get back into your mind (and bed) again, which means you can do it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat else can I refer to her as? You don't know her so we can't talk on a first name basis.
Am I wrong for not wanting a GF when I was younger? It takes two people to willingly take part in sexual intercourse, I was very upfront about my intentions and these girls were happy to proceed, I'm unsure what else I can do?
We were never in a relationship, not by MY wishes, I wanted nothing more than to be able to call her my GF and I was very open about this and fell very hard. The reason we didn't was because she had been in a relationship for 5 years before I met her and she wanted to stay single.
You really know nothing about the situation I was in with her, like I said earlier I would of done anything for that girl we just clearly weren't the right people for each other. Not once did I EVER do anything for her to feel mistreated, she regularly told me how happy she was that she had met me but she didn't want any commitment at that point in her life.
You're making this out like I was using her for sex, which is absolutely not the case. I wouldn't say I was in love with her, because I don't feel you can be in love with someone that doesn't feel the same, but I had incredibly strong feelings for her.
I will give that a read wiseowl, thanks again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): I wrote this article a year ago for people going through what you're going through now. I think some people can relate to it. Give it a read. I hope it helps! There are others.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-give-up-someone-i-know.html
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): Here's your quote "I'm 25 years old, never had a GF, my sexual experiences are one night stands or brief flings"... Read what you put its Allll there!Here's my quote "You say that you've "never had a girlfriend" yet this girl you were into is still playing on your mind."She obviously was unaware that she was your GF or you made her feel like she was only there as WHAT?!If you've "never had a GF," how can you expect "SHE" to just be a girl that's there for WHAT?!Seriously stop blaming "SHE" (another quote by YOU and may I add sounds really, really savage towards the poor girl and woman kind in general, yes, quite hateful.Offensive is the word that springs to mind!So... There's your queue to get back on the band wagon and F about like what you were doing before you met "SHE" and how you obviously treated "SHE".I wouldn't want to be with you either, calling ex's?? - who saw the light - "SHE"!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually idolized that girl and genuinely worshipped the ground she walked on. I built her up to be a lot more than she is, that's why I think I'm having such a hard time getting over it, because to me no one else can compare to her right now. I haven't been speaking to anyone since her, so you're incorrect on that point that I'm still treating people badly.
I did nothing selfish and didn't lie to her about anything, I wore my heart on my sleeve with her and SHE was the one that decided she didn't want a relationship. I don't hate her and won't ever feel that way about her as I spent some of the best moments of my life with her, unfortunately things just didn't work out.
I tried to move on from this when she broke things off then as I said earlier, SHE contacted me. We slept together and then again SHE told me not to speak to her again. In that time we spoke about our situations regarding us and she told me we may be able to get together and then in the space of 2 days told me that it wouldn't work and that she was going to block me.
I fail to see where you've picked up that I've treated her like crap at all from anything what I've said.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): Wait there. You say that you've "never had a girlfriend" yet this girl you were into is still playing on your mind.
I think you treated her badly and the guilt is eating away at you.
Sounds like you're STILL treating girls badly aswell, what with the other girl you used for sex. Dear me. Time to grow up!
When you do bump into the ex "GF", who wasn't your "GF"... Man up and apologise for your selfish behaviour and obvious lies you webbed her into due to your odd behaviour.
I hope you don't bump into her though because you sound mean. Did you let her know how much you hated her, if that's the case, I shall be praying for that poor girl.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy father has never been around for me so unfortunately the only people I've told about this are 1 or 2 friends which they never really give very much support without just telling me 'you need to get over it' or 'speak to a new girl' which isn't all very helpful.
So I'm trying to just deal with it best as possible on my own and I really can't think of a reason why I'm thinking about her so much still. I think if I can come up with a reason why I'm doing it then I can stop it, but right now I'm pretty stumped.
I'd like to thank you again for your advice I've found it very helpful and would imagine I'll be back to re-read it whenever I'm having moments of weakness in future.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): Thank you for sharing. I can relate to the feeling of rejection after breaking-up with someone. Sometimes the feelings linger; and those nagging residual-feelings are worse than the outright grief felt shortly after the breakup.
You seem quite good at articulating your feelings. That makes it easy to place myself in your shoes, because I've already been there, and done that. I did it all cold-turkey. I just decided to just get on with my life and not let the loss overtake me. It seems that is consistent with what your counselor is telling you to do. You don't really need to lean on therapy; because most of the fight is within and part of your own personal-growth, your commitment, and self-determination.
Being so young, I can see where the lack of experience will put you at some disadvantage; but I think time eases the grief and heartache. Being so young, you can't see it now; but maturity tends to strengthen you as your mind begins to accept things for what they are.
Stubbornness to just let go, goes back to where I mentioned having a strong sense of entitlement. It shouldn't happen to you. Well, it happens to everyone. Sooner or later. Anyone who says it never has, better look out. It's coming!
It is part of graduating towards manhood to learn how to deal with relationships. There are losses and gains. Building some emotional-strength and resilience to absorb the pain when you hit the hardest bumps in your life. Tools for survival. Only the strong survive, my friend.
You have little to fall-back on, as far as experience; but you will find this experience with your last relationship will toughen you up. Most guys get help from their fathers or other male role-models in this area; but counseling is what you need when that's not available.
Best of luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe first session pretty much consisted of me telling her of the situation so it was mainly a chance for me to vent and give her the full picture and it did run on a little longer than it should of because of the detail I went into. I basically told her that I was having a hard time dealing with getting over things, it has been over a year and I was still thinking about things.
The main takeaway points was that she told me to make a list of advantages of the breakup for me to keep to one side and whenever I thought of her to re-read through that list to re-inforce that the separation needed to happen.
We spoke about other things that I can do hobbywise to distract myself when I start to daydream about the situation.
The second session was an interesting one because I had a big change of heart from the first. I saw the breakup in a different light that I felt like she had used me towards the end of time we were speaking, in that I had started to move on as we stopped speaking and then she got back in contact with me, slept together and then she basically told me not to contact her again. So I stopped thinking that the sun shone out of her ass and saw that as a very manipulative tactic to throw a spanner in the works for me in terms of moving on.
So I explained this to the councillor and she said that she thinks I need to regain control of the situation. Not as in going out of my way to do something to get back at her, but if I see her in future, which it's very likely that I will do as I'm from a small town, that I have the confidence to tell her no and show her and myself that I'm able to do that and mean it.
She said that I probably compare her to other girls, which was correct and that I need to learn to stop doing that, as she is not somebody who is a good match for me, or the breakup wouldn't of occurred and also that I will never be able to get to know any other females in a romantic sense if I have this other one on a pedestal.
After the second session I felt better as it gave me a chance to vent and get things off my chest to someone that wouldn't judge. But I'd say after that realisation I held a lot of anger and frustration that it had happened to me, which is very contradictory considering that I have been a dick with girls in the past. I haven't currently scheduled another session because we both feel as though there is nothing else to talk about at the moment without re going over the same things.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2017): Just to add a few thoughts. You're searching for something to fit your criteria of what you consider the perfect girl; but you also have to remember, you have to be ready for her when she comes along. You mentioned keeping your distance after sex and avoiding any emotional connection.
You can attribute such a notion to youth and inexperience.
As you get older, you'll know better. I think you're just about there.
Now you don't have any interest in dating. As I said, there's nothing wrong with that; but there is something wrong with shutting-down emotionally. That's where the immaturity is evident. Humans are meant to feel. You can hide emotion; but you can't kill them altogether. You're not a Vulcan.
The maturity comes from realizing there is something wrong and getting counseling to deal with it.
You also have to push yourself to deal with your separation-anxiety leftover from your last girlfriend on your own. The counselor will help you find where the emotional discomfort comes from; but you've got to push yourself to man-up and realize this is a part of life and a commonly experienced part of the mating process. You get rejected and you get hurt. You have to be mature enough to come out of it and resilient enough to get-over it. Nobody's perfect!
You have a lifetime ahead of you. You haven't suffered anything that most men don't go through. You may even call it a right of passage towards manhood. It may happen multiples of times; and you can't fall apart each time it happens. There's no instant cure for heartache; and you can't run to a counselor every-time you get rejected or breakup with a girl. They'll simply tell you to deal with it and fight your way through it.
You need the maturity to realize it's something everyone experiences. You can't develop bitterness every-time things don't workout. That's spoiled and childish. It's showing a over-developed sense of entitlement. You won't always have your way, or get what you want. It's not always the girl's fault either. Sometimes it is you. Own it!
Learn from failure, don't feel defeated. Loss hurts, but the pain subsides. Time passes, and new opportunities arise. That's why we must develop our inner-strength. It's a tool for survival. Pills don't cure heartache or heartbreak.
If you have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression, or other emotional disorders; then you should seek continued therapy and be sure your therapist gives you the go ahead before committing to a full-fledged romantic-relationship. You can't swear-off ever dating a girl again.
That's the "boy" doing the thinking.
You have to be at your best mentally and emotionally; in order to deserve the best match. You're very young; but experience will give you wisdom, confidence, and strength.
Our emotional-responses/reactions are determined according to whatever we are confronted by. So if you're a tool; you won't keep a young lady around too long. Self-preservation is often their reasoning for dumping you! Sometimes others see things in you that you don't! Some ladies see you coming, and takeout their frustrations from the last guy on you. If you give them flashbacks of their painful past. You admitted to using them and then distancing yourself. Very tool-like behavior.
Would you care to share some of the advice your counselor has offered you? How has it helped thus far? If you don't mind sharing, of course.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again.
I hope so too.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 Well at least you are moving in the right direction and getting help. It is never easy trying to move on from someone, and we all get hurt at one point in life. The only reassurance I can offer is that as you get older you will mature more and so will girls your age. Hopefully you can meet a girl who wants the same things as you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunt Honesty: Again, I think you are correct with what you're saying. I did go through a period, well quite a long period actually where I would not let anyone at all get close to me.
The first girl I ever liked stung me really hard and I basically said I would never let that happen again, but about a year later it did. So I resigned myself to stopping speaking to girls after I had slept with them, so they would be kept at arms length and I would never develop feelings for them. At the time this worked for me, but now I realise that's not something you can do for your entire life without ending up very unhappy and lonely.
The last girl I was speaking to also hurt me pretty bad and now here I am at the present day with her still in my head quite often, but I'm working on moving past it. I have had 2 sessions with a councillor which I think has helped to a degree but I still have some work I need to put in to fully get over it all.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): It's likely a phase that will pass. You're focused on other things right now, and that's totally fine.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (29 May 2017):
You sound like a wise guy and you sound like you know what your doing but you just need a little reassurance. Off course it is okay not to go out having one night stands or flirting with girls. It doesn't make you asexual or anything you just need time to figure out what you want and let go off any past girls. Are you afraid off getting hurt? Keep doing what you are doing, ignore friends who think its funny to wind you up. Good Luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your answers guys I value them very much.
I think you're right saying that I have grown up. I really don't see females as potential sexual conquests as I used to. It has started to turn into a bit of a running joke now between a few of my friends that I'm not seeing any action at the moment, but it really doesn't bother me.
Wiseowl, I think you're correct in saying that I may still be feeling something for the girl I used to see and that I'm still not fully over it and thats what is stopping me.
I think deep down I want something more serious in my life, but I'm not quite ready to start searching for it yet, but I think I'll know when the time is right.
Thanks again guys
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 May 2017):
 My guess would be that you have matured and are no longer interested in just seeking sexual conquests like one night stands which, while "scratching the itch", can leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled.
My other guess would be that, when you meet someone who interests you in a more complete way (i.e. not just as a possible sexual conquest but as a person), you will suddenly find yourself "back on track".
You sound sensible and secure enough not to be pressurised by your more immature friends into just seeking girls for sex. Do what YOU feel is right for you, not what your mates try to convince you is "normal". If they tease you, just laugh it off and tell them "You do what is right for YOU."
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 May 2017):
 why rush back into the grand abyss? take a break, go on a cruise or a vacation to some out-of-the-way place like New Zealand or Borneo? There really is more to life than one night stands. You just need to go "smell the roses' for a week or two. Perpetual disappointment will always be there when you return.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 May 2017):
You're not ready. Don't force it. If you want to talk to girls, put yourself in good positions to, like speed dating, just to give you random experiences. Don't do it in places like clubs, that are more for hook-ups than actual conversation.
You've only just come off of the FWB/ONS wagon, so give it time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2017): Oops! Typo: "Don't worry, you'll get your swagger and your grove back."
Better: "Don't worry, you'll get your swagger and your groove back."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2017): This is a good time for pursuing other interests, lone-traveling, and taking-up an interesting hobby. You've got to be well-rounded as a man, and well-informed. So use this downtime for self-improvement and enlightenment.
Get out and explore! Discover the world!
You might have been a little stung by the last girl; and your ego is a little shot. Happens to everyone. You're maturing and realizing there's more to life than just chasing skirts and hopping into bed for meaningless sex. It's a passing phase. You'll snap-out of this lull. Just use this time for something positive. You don't always have to be half of a couple. You're whole all by yourself.
I advise people all the time to appreciate their singleness and independence. Being single isn't miserable solitude. You can enjoy your own company, socialize with people as a solo-act, and do whatever you like as a free-agent. You're very young and have plenty of time for dating and relationships. Use your youth and energy for different purposes and set some new goals.
You don't have to make a conscious-effort, it comes back on its own. You'll naturally begin to feel the need for romance and female-companionship; and you'll pursue that desire when the urge is strong enough. Don't worry, you'll get your swagger and your grove back.
Be happy, you're not a needy-clingy person. Your old-self may have been a bit immature. Round your rough edges and polish-up your act. That's what "me-time" is for.
Welcome to manhood!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 May 2017):
 Is it "normal"? Maybe for you, it is. I don't think there is a "standard" of how much a guy (or girl) HAS to be pursuing romantic interests in order to be "normal".
If you feel like taking a break from dating and casual encounters, do so. I would just suggest you don't stop socializing.
In my 20's I took a couple of years off from dating/guys because I got burnt badly. I still spend time with friends and family, had fun traveling and doing things I loved. And I worked a 70 hour week so there really wasn't "room" for romance.
Sleeping with as many people as possible will NOT EVER make you happy. Maybe you discovered that? And yes, sex is great but when used like a tissue or piece of toilet paper - as in disposable - it might have lost its luster.
Just enjoy life.
...............................
|
