A
male
age
30-35,
*ts my life
writes:My parents are really hands on type of parents who some times can be wayy to strict. My parents are very religious and they have a lot of rules when it comes to dating.I have 5 brothers and sister. We arent allowed to really date. We can group date and hang out and things like that. I have been seeing this girl for 5 months now and I really like her. Since we are not allowed ot be alone with each other I started lying to my parents about where I was so we could be together. I started feeling bad for the lying so I told my dad what was going on and he seemed fine. he told me that we could hang out here as long as one of my parents were home. recently we had sex and we plan on continuing to do so becuase we are both fine with it. My parents and my brothers and sister were sitting around talking and my dad gave this huge speech about waiting until we were married until we had sex and roled my eyes and he got mad then he asked if had sex. I am so sick of him making these rules and acting like he is some saint (which he isnt) so I said yes. He totally lost it. He called my gf an easy whore and said she had no self respect. I left and have been staying with friends ever since. He called today and said if I dont come home he would close my bank account and i woudl no longer be part of the family. WHat should I do. I am tired of living under his rules but I am a senior in high school so moving out is kinda out of the question. and I am not going home until he apologizes about calling my gf names Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (19 October 2011):
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you're behaving very immaturely. You may think you're being self-righteous for standing up for your gf by refusing to go home until your father apologizes for insulting her, but you're the one who brought this situation about in the first place, by lying, breaking your father's trust in you, and being disrespectful to him first.
You're not an adult yet, and as long as you're still living under your father's roof, and he's the one filling up your bank account for you, you have an obligation to obey his rules, even if you disagree with them, even if that means "no dating."
You knew that these parental restrictions wouldn't be forever. Sooner or later you will be an adult and move out on your own. You have the rest of your life ahead of you to make your own rules, date whenever you want and have sex with whomever you want whenever you want without parental rules. But until then, as long as you're still living under your father's roof, and you're living off of him, it's only fair that you abide by his rules, no?
Instead you lied to him about dating. Then you came clean to him (which was the right thing to do), and he was OK with it on one condition, showing that he was willing to compromise on his rules if you behaved honorably. Yet you proceeded to ignore that condition so you took advantage of his willingness to compromise and his trust in you.
Then when your dad was giving you all the group lecture about waiting til marriage, you behaved rudely by rolling your eyes at him. that was uncalled for. If you feel so strongly that you have to communicate your disagreement publicly, then you can voice your opinion. Rolling your eyes is an immature passive-aggressive move that communicates no information except contempt and disdain. So you started that confrontation. Your father had every right to be angry at you.
I do think that he then got out of line by insulting your gf. He is in the wrong for that. But if you want him to apologize for that, you need to apologize for your rude and disrespectful behavior too.
bottom line: if you want people to treat you like an adult, you have to start behaving like one. Which means taking responsibility for your actions and behaviors. Not breaking people's trust in you. If you're rude to someone, don't be surprised if they get angry at you. If you're financially dependent on someone and living in their house, you need to live by their rules or at least be respectful to them even if you disagree with them. if you want to be completely free of parental rules then you have to become an adult which means you have to leave their house and support yourself, and learn how to communicate disagreements in a more mature way.
So what should you do now? My opinion is that you should take responsibility for your actions: apologize for lying to your dad about breaking his rules and breaking his trust in you, and for being rude and disrespectful when he was giving you the tedious lecture.
If you have decided not to go home unless he apologizes for insulting your gf, then you have to be prepared to stick by your resolution and start making plans to live elsewhere and get a job to support yourself.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 October 2011):
I would speak to a lawyer or something. First of all, your parents have a responsibility towards you, so maybe there's something in the law you can use against him. Also, check as to whether he can really shut your bank account. If it has your money in it that is in your name, he can't legally close it. I'd see a lawyer.
For what it's worth, well done for making a stand. A lot of people might have allowed that treatment. You did the right thing. At least you can be be counted on, even if your father can't.
See a lawyer, see what you can get out of this and where you stand legally with your bank account and such.
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