A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First things first, I'm 24. Now, about 5 years ago I was with this girl for about 6 months, she turned crazy and left me and all of her friends no longer talk to her and they are STILL TO THIS DAY friends with me.The day that girl and I broke up, I had a pretty big party and supplied all the alcohol and what not for everyone so we could all just have fun (the party literally lasted a week, oh what I wouldn't do to go back to the days of not having to care). During that party (the day after her and I broke up), we were all wasted at the house we were at and her friend came up to me and basically told me to come with her and we ended up having sex and it was probably the best I had ever had. This happened twice.Exactly 1 year after that I met my current girlfriend with whom I've been with for just over 4 years now. Communication with that one girl kinda slowed down but everyone else it stayed the same.Here's my problem:The current gf I am with I have left twice due to relationship problems (She can NOT for whatever reason seem to save ANY money and I left because a) She's 22 and I'm 24, I should have more but I have about $5000 saved and she has $0 saved, a new car which costs her $400+ per month and $1000 in credit card debt as well as $2400 in other debts + school debt (the school debt I don't care about because thats actually for a cause, the other debt is for NOTHING). My point is, when I want to buy a house, I am not the only one that is gonna put down a deposit, plain and simple.I left for almost 2 months and was diagnosed with depression by my family doctor so I was put an anti-depressant which I am now on month 2 and WOW has it made a huge difference. I went back to the current girlfriend since I was happy again and everything seemed to be falling into place. She paid her CC debt off, gave the CC to her mom and tried paying down her other debt, exactly on our 4 years we went to a hotel just by the border @ Niagara Falls and Buffalo. Literally 1 week after she got her CC back its already back at $1000. She thinks because I bought this new 3DTV and all of that stuff that it means she can to. Let me set this straight: The things I BUY MYSELF I pay for myself in cash or on a deferral plan but I can very much afford these things too. In total my debt alltogether is NOW $2400 which I can pay RIGHT NOW if I wanted to but I do not want to drop half of my savings). Like I said, I am not one of these controlling boyfriends who says no you cant buy it only I can, my point is that I have the money to back me up if say.. I lost my job or whatever. Her on the other hand she has NOTHING saved which is why I get mad when she buys expensive things or just wastes her money.Now that that is out of the way. I want to say that when I left her at first I got really drunk for a couple days (had a week vacation off of work) with friends and whatnot and didn't do anything bad like run off having sex with random girls, I told her I wanted a break and thats exactly what it was. I have NEVER cheated on her and NEVER would or could).So, 2 days ago, I had that girl that I messed around with call me @ 1AM seeing if I wanted to have a cigarette with her (I'm up at this time as I used to work the afternoon shift but am now on the midnight shift). Seeing as how I was just leaving work early (@ 2am) I decided to text her back seeing if she was still up for a cigarette. She was.We talked for about 2 hours about anything and everything just catching up while I drove around. She is dealing with some pretty big problems that I hope works itself out because this could destroy her in many ways if it doesnt (nothing illegal, just mistakes she made with another guy). She is bi-sexual and just got out of a 3 year relationship with a girl was with and messed around with another guy as a rebound and she was REALLY upset about it.Now, as we were driving around in my car just talking she brought up how fun the days were when we were partying every night and everything and she asked me if I remember what her and I did. Of course I remembered and I don't know what made me say this but I told her straight up that if I had the chance to do all of that with her again I'd be on that in a second. I also said that I thought of calling her to hang out when the girlfriend and I took a break but chose not too because I'd feel horrible. She told me that if I had called her she would have been over in seconds to do anything and everything... literally.So that surprised me and as I asked 'really?' she said that it was the best she ever had (and my ego about performance and all that went up about 100000x lol) and that she'd be up for it anytime that she can. But like I said, if I'm with someone (This girl is not, anymore) then there is NO WAY I could. My best friend told me fuck it just do it since you know she's amazing in bed and just don't say anything, you're not getting sex anyways, well you are but you don't like it, lol.And that's another problem. My current sex drive is slim to none, it has increased (a ton) since the anti-depressants started working, but still, the sex is so boring, I'm either on top of her or behind her... thats ever it....-----Now... what are you're opinions on this... I don't want to leave my girlfriend again (I've been back for about a week now) and am saving as much as I can while paying a bit per month to pay off the current debt which is not even that bad in order to get an apartment if I have to.My question is... What do I do with my girlfriend... she has this way of making me feel bad everytime she gets upset or whatever, she says she trusts me but when you call me @ 2am on my break at work... something isn't right, its as if you think I'm somewhere else. She got mad because I wanted to take her brother to a strip club because his girlfriend left him, she was furious with me for even asking but for one she's never been to a club like that and she has no idea what its like. I've told her what it's all about (just chillin and havin beers) and she'll still have none of it. I've NEVER done anything in any ways to make her not trust me.I'm so lost... do I just cut my losses and leave? Why couldn't it be 2 months earlier and not 3 weeks away from christmas . I care about my girlfriend... keyword being 'care' but do I love her anymore? That's the question I am asking myself every day...I'm on a 50/50 scale right now :Side1 - Stay and eventually lose my mind and leaveSide 2: Leave and just have fun and work as much as I can (ie, overtime every time its available)....What would you do...?Also, I want you all to know, the other girl that I am talking to is also in an on again off again relationship and she says she's busy whenever I text her, I really hope she's not lieing because as much as I would love to be with this girl and get to know her more, I could honestly just be as happy as being friends with her.I don't know if she is ignoring me but I last texted her "Okay well whenever you're free and want to have a cigarette or are bored just call me and we'll hang out" and she said 'Sure thing'I'm sure she'll txt me when that guy tells her to leave again.--ONE MORE THING--Regardless of this girl, I have been told by a very close friend of mine to weigh the pros/cons of my current relationship, I won't list them here as I am tired of typing, but I will tell you that right now, I am at 3 pros and 8 cons.. And I am actually serious about 3vs8What I am thinking know is regardless of the other girl, part of me wants to pack it up and leave the relationship because im not in love anymore, i care about her, but i dont love her anymore, theres no excitment anywhere in the relationship anymore, everything in the end is "Are we gonna split this bill, who's gonna pay this, who's gonna pay that".. etc, etc, etc. Everythings about money my gf :(And one last question, COULD it hurt to at least tell the other girl how I feel about her, by saying something like "If in the future I was to be single, would you want to get to know each other a bit better?"Is there any harm in asking just this? Really its a yes or no answer, obviously if she said yes I could be more persuaded to leave...!!!HELP!!!(Thanks)Note: I've tried to think about why I loved her in the first place and why I was always with her... The truth is she said I love you first, I said it back because well, I still wasn't 100% sure at the time but I eventually was... That spark isn't coming back and it hasn't been there for nearly 1 1/2 - 2 years now...
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a break, at work, best friend, broke up, christmas, debt, drunk, I love you, money, sex drive, spark, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): You know the answer to the trouble with your current girlfriend, you do, seriously read over your question once more and tell me you don't know exactly what you should do. Use your head, forget your emotions for a minute and go numb pretend this is another guy asking you what he should do.
It's pretty clear isn't it? You're looking for reassurance it's what you should do, but you don't need that dude, you need to trust your gut and not be afraid to do what you know you have to and will have to eventually, you're only delaying the inevitable.
Look you're comfortable with this girl, she's familiar and you don't like the idea of having to rebuild all that again with someone else. You're looking for a concrete opportunity with this other girl instead, but you have that but you're a bit anxious because you know you can't just jump head first into a relationship with this other girl, it also looks like you're only staying with your gf until you find someone better anyway, that's why you're looking into other options to see whether the grass is greener.
Well you can't do that, you can't stay with her while you explore other options, because if you do then you're an asshole. I don't mean to offend you but I believe that's how you feel about it too, you're not a cheater and would never cheat that tells me you know how to conduct this in an honourable way but at the moment you're stringing along your gf, when you know you don't want to be with her.
Dude we don't have to fight to love someone, we don't have to force ourselves to feel like that for someone, we also don't have to write lists, or think should I? When you're with a girl you love, you don't ever doubt that. Sure there are problems and for a minute you might doubt it, but you've doubted this a long time and now you're also struggling to find reasons why you should stay.
You know what you have to do. You also know that until you sort that, whether you should or should not do anything about this new girl or what might happen between you two is the least of your concerns because you know what dude? You're turning into one of those I'm pretty sure you've always thought were pricks, the kind of guy that stays with his girl, strings her along because he can't make his mind up, even though he knows in his heart it is over all the while is also getting cozy and building something with another girl.
Dude man up, make your decision and stop being a wuss about it, your friends have told you what they'd do, your friends have told you what you already know, so man up and do what you have to. Don't let emotions do the thinking on this, be cold, hard, calculating and methodical. Is this relationship really workable in the long run, because nothing says it will be in any kind of practical sense.
Solid ever lasting relationships are based on a practical partnership not romance, romance is a bonus but when that goes you have to be capable of being equal partners in a symbiotic relationship.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 Look, that post was a bit too long to take in all the information fully but here are my thoughts:
1. The other girl is irrelevant, she was just great in bed and all you would want from her is a rebound, sex based relationship. So try and disregard her from this situation - she is not important here. If you asked her if she wanted to date you in the future, you would only be leading her on and you would end up hurting her - there are SO many unresolved issues with your current girlfriend that you would end up dragging them into anything new you start - so best is just to remain friends, or better still leave her alone and let her get on with her life. A relationship between the two of you would NEVER work so dont even think about it.
2. The fact is you have split with your girlfriend twice, and you want to leave again. Breaking up once then quickly realising a mistake - that is ok. But twice? An ex is an ex for a reason, and those reasons dont just vanish. This relationship simply is not working, it has not been working for some time and chances are it never will work ever again. Relationships where you are always splitting up and getting back together are a clear sign that the couple is not suited and are not compatible.
So here is what I suggest - split up with your girlfriend and take some time out to be on your own for a while. Being with someone for 4 years is a LONG time, you need some time just to be alone, to get over your ex/girlfriend and to look back on where it all went wrong and then learn from that. Stop jumping about in this relationship, one minute you are back, the next you want to leave again, now there is another girl - just stop it with both girls and learn how to be single again.
Bouncing from one relationship to another is the worst thing you can do - so just take some time out (at least 6 months) from girls. Learn what makes YOU happy, what YOU enjoy doing, what YOU want from life as an individual. Learn how to enjoy being alone, spending time alone and just accepting yourself for who you are. Having depression also is quite a big deal - so having some time alone will only help you to get better. It is good that the anti-depressants are working, and to continue that good progress spending some time being single will only do you even more good and allow yourself to recover fully from what is a nasty illness.
From your post you just sound like one incredibly confused guy, you have no idea what you want, who you want, what you should be doing......just stop everything and cut out all the crap in your life. I assure you, while those single 6 months will be horrid and you will be incredibly lonely, and often tempted to meet a girl just for company - if you make it at least 6 months you will come out of it a far stronger, happier, confident and assertive man who knows exactly what he wants from life and from a relationship.
It takes a very big person to be able to do this - so many people are weak and need relationships just to feel normal, hence why their relationships are so messed up. But if you can force yourself into being single for a good while - I promise you will be amazed at the results.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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