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*aryB
writes:I'm not sure why I am writing this but, somehow I feel if I write about what I am feeling right now it will help. My ex fiance left me after 7 yrs. together basically for someone else. When he first ended it with me he told me after a huge argument that he felt that we should end our relationship because he was unhappy. I spent several mths. beating myself up for the demise of our relationship. Shortly after our breakup (3wks. to be exact) I found out he was involved with someone else. The first 3 wks. after he continued to call me every night telling me he still loved me, that he just needed time to figure thing out and acted really concerned about how I was feeling. I of course, allowed his apparent false concern as a sign that maybe we could work things out if I just gave him the time he needed. Then the news came that he was seeing someone else, which he claimed began shortly after he split with me. I was devestated to say the least. I felt the only way to get through what was happening was to cut all contact with him which I have remained doing for 9 mths. now. It's been a long road and I still have days where I backtrack and I also, feel love for him which I can't get past.Well, now here comes the clincher which has put me right back into the deep depression I felt in the first few mths. A mutual friend of ours, for whatever reason, felt it was time to let me in on the real truth of the whole situation. He told me that my ex had been seeing her for several mths. before ending it with me. I honestly had no clue this was going on. He also, informed me that she too knew about me and was just biding her time until he found a way to end it with me. The one time that we spoke in the beginning when I was moving my things out of his home and she was there was that she knew nothing about me which I naively believed. How dumb can I be? When we were still together he never spent a night else where, he worked long hrs. as I did and would pick me up after we got out of work for the long drive home (45 mins. one way) so its so hard for me to believe that there was time for him to form a relationship with someone else. I knew we had problems (mostly everyday stress with our lives), but nothing serious enough to warrant all this. As a matter of fact, he had been discussing with my daughter about us finally tieing the knot a mth. before ending it. This all seems like such a nightmare to me- I don't know what to do with all these emotions I am having. I can't understand if he had intentions of leaving me for someone else why be talking about marrying me, calling me for 3 wks. every night afterwards and still telling me he loved me. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I have also, written on this forum that for the last 9mths. that he still drives by my house and has even texted me a few times which I have ignored and also, his own family has remained in contact with me of there doings informing me that he regrets what he did and still loved me. Am I missing something here- what is going on with him? How can someone live with themselves knowing they were so decietful to someone they claimed to love? I'm also, curious to know what she would do if she knew he had still been calling me and telling me he loved me-I'm sure if he was so dihonest with me he was just as dishonest with her. I guess I'm looking for someone to shed some light on all this insanity and to help me through the unbearable feelings I am having right now. It is taking all my resolve not to go to her home and rip both of them apart but, I would never lower myself to their apparent level. I want to burst her little bubble she is in because I'm sure she is sitting back thinking that life for them is just wonderful. Also, how can I ever move on and fully trust another man again knowing I was so naive about what was going on right under my nose? Please, your insight would be appreciated.
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reader, MaryB +, writes (3 February 2011):
MaryB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank all of you for your enlightening & insightful words. I know deep down there will be no going back- I know myself & although, I still love him I would never be able to fully trust him again. What he did to me would eat me alive as the day is long. I also, know that I have a lot of work cut out for me- my self-esteem has been badly damaged which will take a while to build back up. I was once fun-loving, confident & passionate about life before this all happened & hopefully, I will someday be that way again. I live by the notion that you treat people the way you want to be treated so it's very hard for me right now to think that after what he did he will go on & live his life happily-somehow there has to be some kind of justice there. Does that make ME a bad person for thinking that way- I wonder?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): It's ok to cry scream yell throw things break stuff. It really really hurts to have your heart broken. Call your friends, your family. Believe it or not they can be the best medicine, the greatest source of comfort at this time. I urge you to cut contact with his family. It is imperative for your self preservation that you cut him out completely. That includes his friends, co workers, etc. Not forever, but for a while...a week? Try it. Please! You will get thru this horribly dark tunnel. Baby steps. Move on move forward and don't be afraid to meet men! Lots of nice wonderful fun and funny guys out there, all ages and stages in life. Don't give up on love and most importantly don't give up on yourself.
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 February 2011):
I think right now you're floundering in limbo with one foot still in your old relationship and another foot trying to move on. It doesn't help that he's still driving by your house and texting you and you're still in contact with his family even though you've been broken up for 9 months.
I think your options to help yourself move forward and feel better, are to either confront him and have an honest talk or series of talks about what he wants to do - why is he still driving by your place and texting you, why does his family say he regrets what he did and still loves you, are you going to get back together? Or else to put all this behind you and move forward without continuing to look over your shoulder.
Right now it sounds like you're trying to move on from him, which is a good and valid decision. But you keep feeling these tugs to look backward - because he's still driving by your place and texting you, and his family is still talking to you telling you 'encouraging' things about him. And yet you are so hurt by what he did that you want to move on.
So, if you're going to move on, you need to make a clean break. No more talking to his family (at least not for awhile), no more hearing updates about him. Contact him one last time which is to just tell him to stop texting you and stop driving by your place. Or pass that message through his family one last time.
Then stop yourself from wondering about the other woman and what she's thinking, you can't read her mind so it's futile to spend time trying. To move on, try to stop seeing her as the enemy who destroyed your life and fantasizing about revenge. She didn't destroy your life, he did. And, he did not destroy your life by breaking up with you per se. Break ups happen all the time and need not be crimes against humanity. But he was wrong and hurtful to be keeping secrets and misleading you and not being honest with you. And then after breaking up with you, by continuing to mess with you by behaving in ambiguous ways, playing mind games, thus leading you to feel confused. He's the real problem.
You think that if only she hadn't come along and met him, that you and him would still be together or happily married by now? Well, the fact that she did come along and now he's left you and is with her - what does that say about the true nature of your relationship with him all along??
The fact that he did fall for someone else and that he chose to leave you, just shows that you were under a delusion about how happy your relationship was all this time. thus, more reason to move on from him and not be looking back over your shoulder, because when you look back into the past, what you are seeing is not what was really the truth, you actually had no idea how shaky the relationship was.
If you choose to confront him now and lay to rest whether or not he regrets what he did and still loves you - as his family claims - then you should be aware things have already changed, the relationship you think you may be trying to go back to is not what really existed. Any discussion of getting back together now would be talk of a totally different kind of relationship.
Otherwise, you should make a clean break and move on from the break up as you were doing for those 9 months until your mutual friend let you in on your ex's secret. You could tell yourself that this new knowledge has no bearing on your life because you are already broken up and have been for 9 months. And thus you should try to stop thinking about this other woman and seeing her as the cause of your relationship ending, because she isn't the cause she's just the symptom. If she hadn't come along, you may still be with him but under the delusion not knowing how shaky your relationship really is. He could still have left you anyway eventually but for other reasons of if a different woman came along.
By continuing to focus on her, you're mistaking the outward symptom of your relationship problems, for the cause of it.
Look at it this way - he's obviously capable of lying and hurting people because he can't sort his own thoughts out. You don't want to be with someone like this, they will make your life difficult. It's a good thing that you broke up instead of getting married. If you got married, that doesn't change the existing nature of your relationship and when the truth eventually comes out it would be much worse once married. Be relieved that he's not in your life anymore. Now he's her problem, not yours.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 February 2011):
 Take JOY in the fact that you aren't with him and his lying/cheating ass any more!
Take to heart that he's not the man you thought he was.
What's going on in his mind? ho knows, he sounds like a selfish narcissistic bastard.
BE glad you are rid of him.
Look at the bright side! Don't waste any more emotions on that loser. Time to focus on YOU and YOUR future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): I'll answers your questions one by one:1. What is going on with him? He is a liar and a cheat. That is how he can lie to you and see another woman behind your back whilst claiming to love you. 2. How will she feel? Probably not very good, but who cares as she didn't think twice about YOUR feelings whilst she was sleeping with your fiance. Karma is a bitch, huh?I don't doubt for a second that you are feeling such pain at what has transpired between the two of you. However, you must realize you are wasting your time on someone who does not deserve it. He lied, cheated and most of all disrespected you. None of what has happened is about YOU, its about a a person (him) having no integrity and thinking he can act in any way he wants without a thought to someone else's feelings. Be thankful that you were shown his true colours now and not after you two were married. As for how you can trust a man again: Well, do not hold what he did against all men. Think of it this way, are you like the woman he cheated with? Would you like men to think you are all the same? You are not. Each woman is different and this is true with men also. There are good men out there, just as there are bad.
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reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (1 February 2011):
He met her and started seeing her while seein you. It happens every single day. Yes it was wrong and he decieved you but I do not believe he intended to hurt you. I think he got himself in a terrible situation and was completely confused about who he wanted to be with. Since she knew about you she had an advantage over you and that advantage was to be "as perfect as possible." I know it hurts, you have to actively tell yourself not to think about it. Time will heal you enough to get out of the depression. You have to begin to live life again. Start out slowly doing things to get out of the house and to take your mind off of things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Your going through a hard time for sure, and the thing I've learned is that time heals all. You probably won't be over this for at least a few years. Your ex sounds like a conniving deceitful liar. Eventually as time wears on you will think of him less and less.Your situation sounds a lot like my own. My ex left me 6 months ago for another guy. She would hit me, push me around, and always be very possessive and needy. After one argument, I couldn't take it anymore, I quit talking to her for 6 days. I called on the 7th day and some other guy answers and tells me to get lost. He's still there. Living with her.It hurts. But time does make the pain fade. I recommend getting some counseling. This should help speed the healing process. I will think of more and add to this later. Talk to you later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): It seems there was an overlap time when he was still with you, but seeing her. Whatever motives this friend who told you had, you might as well know what happened. It appears that initially he was seeing if it would work with her, before leaving you - now I think he is trying to keep the door a little open with you in case it doesn't work out with his current women. He is keeping all bases covered. No doubt he would be trying to get back with you pronto, full of excuses, apologies etc should things not work out. Maybe this friend who spilled the beans senses as much. You did so well to get yourself back on track before this set back. See him for what he is - put this behind you. He has made his bed and I really hope you can get back to being happy, safe in the knowledge that he can't hurt you again.
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