A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and during most of our relationship we would see eachother everyday, fall asleep next to eachother every night and wake up next to eachother every morning. A few months ago I had to move 3 states away to attend school, where I will be for another year and a half. I'm not normally the jealous or controlling type. But I have insecurities, and that's now causing me to become jealous and controlling. I mean, I don't know why I'm so worried she'll find somebody else, or randomly hook up with somebody else, or break up with me for any reason. I don't think that would happen. And I do trust her And I imagine in a year and a half she'll be at my graduation and shortly thereafter be living with me again when I move back. Like I said, I really just think its rooted from my insecurity. I've always thought she's prettier than I am handsome. And should we break up, she could find somebody else in a tenth of the time it would take me. I worry that because I think those things, then that's why I worry about things I don't think I should be afraid of. I really don't know what to say or ask specifically, but I know I need advice. I just can't lose her. She's the only thing in life that makes me happy. The only reason I'm at this school is to make a better life for us in the future. She's literally the best thing to happen to me. So as anywould would be, I'm absolutely terrified that sterotypically, LDR's don't last. I'm terrified of losing my other half. I'm even scared about not being with her for her 21st birthday, which is over half a year away, but I get nervous just thinking about it. A few things I worry about, is whenever I feel insecure about something specifically, I want to talk about how I feel of course, but a lot of times she gets defensive and thinks that I'm just trying to argue, but I can't keep things bottled up either?! And another thing that troubles me is that I don't always feel that she does things considering how she'd feel if they were being done to her. Like less than a month of being apart(before we hadn't been apart for more than two days), she wanted to go to a big halloween party out of town. Which was something I wouldn't have considered doing because I know how it would make her feel. But at the same time, I didn't tell her not to go. I mean, am I just supposed to not tell her how things would make me feel?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks HeartBlossom, it really helps when I hear cases like yours and your wife. If you look online and hear nothing but bad things and stories about LDR's, it's hard to have hope for your own. And yea, she and I talk for at least an hour every night as well. I'd say I fill her emotional needs and I don't think she hides things to keep me from getting upset. I just hope there's certain things she won't do to me knowing how they'd make her feel. It's like, when I was upset about her going out of town to party for halloween and was upset, she got angry at me, I wasn't mad by any means, just discouraged and nervous, because I mean, it's halloween, and I dunno how other places are, but in NC, some of the college towns go crazy. But anyway, her reaction to be feeling nervous and sad about it was to get angry and defensive. I mean, I was upset enough about not getting to spend this halloween with her, but the thought of her on the streets with thousands of people wearing a sexy costume wasn't making matters easier. So like I said her initial reaction was anger, when all I was doing was telling her how I felt. Then. once I said screw it, I'll just have to go to Downtown Orlando and party my damn self, she realized how it felt and started crying? I mean. That's what the most frustrating thing is to me. She doesn't think about how things she says or does would make her feel if the circumstances were switched, which I try to always consider, because I love her and don't want to see her upset. Then also, when I talk about how I feel, she gets angry. So as far as her potentially straying from me, I don't think her being prettier than I am handsome would make her, it's just the fact that she's prettier than I as handsome, seems to me like it would create more situations where she could potentially cheat on me if she wanted to. Which is something I don't think she'd do as it is.
Thanks bqagirl as well. I definitely do trust her, I just have trouble doing so completely I guess. All the things I worry about, I'm nearly absolutely sure she wouldn't do to me, but for some reason I just can't help but worry. And I have let her know how I feel, and she does as well. She's insecure and worries that I'll find somebody as well. She has said that she worries that I'll find somebody that will make me wonder why I stayed with her so long. I tell her that it's not a possibility, that I've already found the person I want to grow old with and wake up next to for the rest of my life. When I tell her about me worrying she's just gets angry though =/. And I'm less worried about her falling for somebody else than I am her cheating on me. I mean, I know how guys think and act if there's something they want and the only thing stopping them is hundreds of miles away. And yea, I don't really think I'm controlling at all at this point. If anything, I'm controlling over myself. The few times I've gone out, I always come home early so I can talk to her. I don't want to keep a leash on her at all, I'd rather not feel like I have to. I don't think she feels that way because I feel like I've done enough to reassure her I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. I don't think she's even said "I would never do anything to hurt you" to me though.
Thanks so much though. I think I make our situation worse in my head than it really is.
A
female
reader, bqagirl2692 +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Your going to have to trust her a little more. She is with you because she loves you and despite of how you may look to yourself, she see's you for who you are. Let her know how you feel. Tell her about your insecurities. It may help her understand why you act the way you do with her. Talk to her in a calm matter where the both of you can express both sides. Trust her when she tells you she loves you and she wont do anything to hurt you because although you may think its easy for her to pick up and find someone else, in the bottom of her heart thats the furthest thought in her mind. You cant keep anyone on lock down just because you think she'll socialize and fall into someones heart. The more you keep someone on a leash, the more they try to escape.
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A
male
reader, HeartBlossom +, writes (5 December 2007):
 I'm afraid you're going to have to trust her to make her own decisions, but as long as you're emotionally rewarding to talk to, it will probably be fine. My wife and I had a LDR for two years before we married, and we talked on the phone for at least an hour per night the entire time. I think I was generally helpful, fun, caring, and supportive, and perhaps as a result, she always really wanted to hear from me, and she was naturally honest in response to such warm conversation. You don't have to prove yourself all over again, but you do need to fulfill her emotional needs the best that you can. Certainly don't put her in the position of wanting to hide things from you to keep you from worrying. If she does stray from you, it won't really have anything to do with her being prettier than you are handsome.
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