A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:hi,i really need your help. I am a compulsive liar and it has caused a lot of problems for me in the past but not as bad as the situation i am currently in. I started seeing a boy a few weeks before i left for university, we've been friends for years and i care about him a lot. However a couple of weeks into university i cheated on him with someone (worst part is they both used to be good friends). I've carried on sleeping with both of them and now they both call me their girlfriend. I am constantly hiding them from one another and lying to both of them and i hate it. It is emotionally draining me and causing me to be quite depressed. I tried to end the relationship with the boy from home but i can never seem to give him a good enough reason for him to accept it. I have spoken to friends about it and they advised me not to tell him the real reason to end the relationship as he would be destroyed and i'm scared of what he might do. I don't really want to end the relationship with the boy at home but it seems as though we could never have a healthy relationship due to what i've done. I know as soon as the truth comes out he will try to ruin my life and will hate me forever, As well as this, I found out my parents are getting divorced. My family has always been very close, so this news hurt me deeply. I have been feeling very depressed and worn down, I have barely made any friends here at university as i spend most of the time in bed watching netflix on my own. Therefore i have latched onto this boy i've been sleeping with. I wish he was just a friend though, he's always there for me and treats me like a princess, however i tried to end this relationship a week or so ago and he was devastated saying we couldn't be friends for a long time. I'm meant to be living in a house with him next year (starting in september), but i know as soon as i sign that contract it is basically a contract stating i have to stay with him and can never see the boy from home again. However if I don't then i have no one to live with next year, ill have to rent a room in a house with a family, and i know i'll become even more depressed.On top of this, all my home friends hate me, they're tired of having to keep up this awful lie for me and i know i have completely lost their trust. I am now dreading going back home to an environment where my friends dislike me, my family is falling apart and I have hurt two boys who mean a lot to meIn a perfect world i would have never cheated on the boy from home and I could have the boy from uni as a friend, but I know that can and will never happen. I'm so so so lost, I have no idea what to do. I've been thinking of dropping out of university altogether as it's started in the worst way. I feel like i have no one, i can't speak to anyone. I just need some advice on what to do and how to get my life back together. I HATE that i'm hurting this many people. It makes me sick to my stomach. so please please help me, i just need some sort of advice on what to do.Thank you
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depressed, divorce, liar, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2015): I would never be around people that I could harm. Leave both of them immediately, because the longer you keep this going, the worse it will be for them. I mean, you have been selfish, living a lie, and turning their lives into a lie. They do not need the suffering you bring to them. If you really cared, you would get away from both of them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): 1/ make a list of all of your problems2/ put them in order of what you consider to be priority (hint: uni should be top)3/ deal with one at a time.I would not live with the boy you are sleeping with at all. Find somewhere else to live. That situation will end badly.End it with yoyr bf back home. You and he both deserve that so that you can concentrate on the rest of your list. I would also end it with the boy you have been cheating with as that doesn't sound good, but that's up to you.Okay so uni hasn't started great- you are less than one term in. How are your scores so far? Are you struggling with the work load? You may wish to speak to a student councellor regarding this.Also- tutors are great people! Ussually your programme leader is a good professional person to confide in, maybe let him in on your stress with the living situation? He may know some contacts or advise you on an easier route for next year.As for your friends. Often we outgrow friends and find new ones along the way. Rather than stay in your room depressed watching netflix, make an effort to go out with your room mates. Next time they go out to eat, ask to tag along. You will find they will be more than happy i'm sure.I realise you are depressed but you will not beat that feeling by staying in and hiding away. Start ticking off problems one by one and you will feel the weight lift slowly, think of that degree along with the salary that comes with it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): i think that the problem is that you are trying to fulfill everyone elses expectations of you.
When i read your problem i just get the sense that its not really a problem at all, or it wouldnt be, if you werent so down on yourself.
So youre at uni and have met someone new and had sex with them and become the girlfriend of mr x.
The only thing is that you havent told mr.y.
if you had told him at the beginning that it couldnt work out because youve met someone new then he would have got on with his life without the expectation of spending time with you, but instead you listened to your friends and ended it with mr x who is probably in love with you.
maybe you should never have listened to your friends who have encouraged you to string him along.
i think you should ignore your friends and tell mr y that you cant continue the relationship because you have met someone new and although you didnt intend to hurt him you have been unfaithful to him with mr x.
THen he can make the decision if he wants to still attend the same uni or take a gap year and go somewhere else.
you feel like dropping out because you feel trapped,
you could go and discusss this with a student counsellor.
you are not the first person to get caught in a situation like this and they will help you to come to terms with it and have strategies and advice to help you to cope and to keep your self respect.
They would probably advise you to stay at uni because you havent committed a crime, you just turned to friends who gave you bad advice,possibly due to their lack of maturity or experience.
it puts you in a lonely place so please go ahead and book that appointment as soon as you can, telling them that you cant concentrate on your studies due to your problems at home.
Then i would suggest you stick with your college boyfriend if he hasnt taken offence because everything was moving forward with him, but if you feel you are destined to fall flat on your face for the rest of this academic year then discuss with the student counsellor ways in which you can take a gap year.
i dont think you should berate yourself.
i think you should acknowledge that you dont really have anyone much to turn to for good advice and set about fixing this rather crucial part of the problem as soon as possible.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 December 2015):
There is always some-one to speak to, if not your family and friends, than us at Dear Cupid, Samaritans or a counsellor. Don’t ever think that you’re completely on your own. I feel for you, because you’ve got yourself in to such a mess that it’s taken over most aspects of your life, so it’s going to take a lot of courage on your part to fix, but with a plan you can. First, I think you need to really be honest about what’s going on here. You said that you couldn’t find enough reason for the boy from home to accept your efforts to break it off, but he doesn’t have to accept it for you to be able to walk away. If you leave the relationship, you leave, whether he accepts that it’s over or not. I think you’re scared of his anger, his hurt and his disappointment in you. I think you’re scared of having to see that in both these boys, but I’m afraid you’ve just got to take it because you’ve wronged them both. If they want nothing more to do with you, that’s not unreasonable. It will be horrible, but your lies are making you reclusive, ruining your university experience, destroying your friendships – frankly they’re destroying you. You’ve got to make amends for the past in order to move on, and that means coming clean to both guys. Tell them the truth because it’s bound to come out eventually and it’s better that they hear it from you. Tell the university guy that you can’t move in with him and make plans to find yourself something else. You said that you know that if you moved in with a family, you’ll be more depressed, but that isn’t inevitable at all. By the way there are plenty of house shares with young professionals or other students so it doesn’t have to be a family. What’s making you so depressed is the weight of your guilt and the burden of your lies, coupled with your sadness about what’s going on at home. University is the worst place to be stressed, depressed and miserable because it’s tough. Perhaps before you tell them, contact one or two of the closest friends and apologise to them for making them keep up your lie. Tell them you’re going to come clean and ask their forgiveness. It takes real guts to do it. Tell them how much you regret the hurt you’ve caused and ask them to give you another chance as you earnestly seek to put things right.
In terms of your university experience, you need to take advantage of the fact that a lot of people there won’t know anyone so they’ll be just as keen to make friends. Do as Denizen says and really apply yourself to your work. Go to societies that interest you, perhaps get a reading or revision group going with colleagues on your course, and look for ways to volunteer. A lot of my friends did volunteering in the community at university and my sister arranged to teach dance classes at weekends for children with disabilities. IF you’re sitting around feeling inadequate and like a horrible person, find something good to do for some-one else.
You’re clinging on to the university boy as an emotional crutch because you’re scared to cut him adrift and be left with nothing. That’s why you have to make yourself find something and you have to patch things up with your friends. Your parents may be divorcing but they still love and care for you. They will support you if you let them know what’s been going on and how you feel. Anyone worthy of calling themselves your friend will, in time, forgive you if you really do change. The boys you have cheated on may want nothing to do with you anymore, but until you face up to what you’ve done and tell them you’re sorry, you won’t be able to make peace with yourself. So, remember: heal your friendships, come clean about the past mistakes and make a plan for rebuilding your life in the future. Don’t throw your education away. Don’t sit around watching Netflix alone and miserable. Don’t drag things on with a guy you’ve lied to and betrayed, and remember that you’re in control of the person you are in the future, and there’s such a lot of future ahead for you. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Your remorse and regret shine through in your post, as does your profound unhappiness. Putting things right and making them better will be hard, but I think you can do it.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): Dump the one from home, tell the one at university the truth and live with someone else next year,(in a nutshell!)
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 December 2015):
 If the truth must come out then it is best it comes from you. Let the pain you feel be a reminder never to get yourself in this situation again.
For the time being concentrate on getting through uni'. Your family situation is miserable, but if you keep your head down and work hard you can mitigate some of the effects. There is no reason why your parents splitting up should have to ruin your life. It's hard to ignore I know, but keep strong and work for yourself and your future.
Don't get involved with living in the same flat as the boy you cheated on. That would be a nightmare. Be honest now. Everyone will benefit. And you can have a clean start knowing you made a mistake, but you've tried to put it right.
Everyone makes mistakes. You just need the courage to face up to it. It shouldn't be as bad as you imagine.
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