A
male
age
36-40,
*evil Crazy
writes:I met my wife while taking a professional course last year. Both of us weren't attracted to one another at first, but as she failed one particular test and I coached her, we gradually got closer and eventually fell in love with each other.Although she's my senior, I feel that she has got every quality I would ask of a woman - strong, dedication, kindness, thoughtfulness, wisdom, even child-like sometimes. She did a lot for me, such as cooking dishes, giving me encouragement when I am down, sharing with me wisdom of life, and many many more. I couldn't have asked for a better woman.Yet I harbored major flaws in me, especially at the start of our relationship. I have dysfunctional parents - a dad who is cynical, a pauper who acted like a millionaire and chauvinistic. My mum was someone who pretended to be mentally unsound so she could extort money from my dad, time and time again. My dad was against my relationship at first, as in his opinion, all women merely treat men as automatic teller machines - those that you see beside banks.I love her a lot, yet I unknowingly hurt her because I was 'trapped' by my dysfunctional family. There have been many times when her advice to me fell on deaf ears, while I somehow religiously listened to my parents, who's brainwashing just made me keep spiraling down - in fact, over the 20-odd years, my parents did little more than to provide measly sum of money for me to survive, other than prolonged streaks of family violence, theatrics and threats. I was chronically hemmed in by them, so much so that I could not make the right decisions for myself.A few months into our relationship, I got to know that my wife was struggling with her rental - she had left a long-term teaching position for the autistic students and was floundering in a new field (which both of us met). Bearing the intention to help save her rental, I offered to let her move into my house for temporary stayover, until the situation is better. Alas, the situation got far worse than I thought.My parents were initially nice to her. However, as time goes by, their true color showed - my mum incessantly spied and stared at her, while my dad kept asking her about how was her job and said many things that sound more scripted than sincere. My wife could not take it, she had to stay outdoors for long periods of time - her conditions got weaker and her angst got stronger by the day.Eventually, we still got married, despite the fact that my dad superficially agreed but deep down, I knew he disapprove of the union. We eventually moved out, but the hurt had already been done. These days, my wife would be filled with grief and tears whenever she thought of the past, how I used to disregard her advice and how much harm had gotten into her.Honestly speaking, I am heartbroken. I really love my wife very much and want the best of her but I am also the one who hurt her the most! As of now, the two of us are living together in a rental flat, with both of us fighting on in our careers.What can I do to restore my wife to her past, cheery self? Please help me! I know love is the way to go but is love alone enough?
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fell in love, heartbroken, her past, money, moved out, period, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Devil Crazy +, writes (21 March 2010):
Devil Crazy is verified as being by the original poster of the question To Grimm Reality:
Thanks for your advice. I have already moved out for quite some time already and we are handling life well. And no, I am not someone who needs the big boys pants. I am already in one of them.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (20 March 2010):
 Hey don't hate on Brunel, he was stating the OBVIOUS
Everyone has dysfunction of some sort. Words and excuses are cheap.
It will only be through actions on your part which will eve help your relationship.
What have you done for her to SHOW her other than just telling her.
Listen, kid, If I had a dime for everyone that came on this forum and blamed all their problems on somebody else(be it shitty parents, a bad childhood, a smelly partner who wont shower) Id buy this site tomorrow.
Look at your post, you only will go so far as to say that you hurt her but you blame everything on being brainwashed.
First thing you need to do stop having you is put your big boy pants on and move out of your parents house. Obviously you are still there. Mommy doing your laundry?
Then you do through action everything in your power. Talk is cheap and you seem to not want to hear the truth and shoot back at stuff you don't like. Well if you cant take a little straight talk on an internet site how are you going to be able to do the tough work it will take to show your wife you are worthy of a second shot?
Think about it. What can you offer your wife? Anything?
Getting your own place would be a good start. And maybe some marriage counseling for you both and some Individual counseling for yourself. From what you describe of your parents, continuing at the rate you are going will only prove to your wife you are just like them.
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A
male
reader, Devil Crazy +, writes (20 March 2010):
Devil Crazy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo 'mikehimself':
Thanks for your encouragement. What you said is what I have in mind. Thanks for re-affirming my thoughts.
To 'brunel':
Stop labeling people as immature. If I am immature, I wouldn't have realized the impacts on what I have done. If you have nothing constructive to say, then don't say anything.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (19 March 2010):
This is not an English Literature exam. You would do well to focus rather than blab on about your parents? Stop making excuses for everything.
Your the one with the problems and she is far to good for you. You are lacking in moral fibre and sound judgement. Your script reflects your confusion withings aand you are are immature. Tell her you love her and that you have been a complete prat and want to move forward!
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A
male
reader, mikehimself  +, writes (19 March 2010):
In my romantic opinion, love, and honestly, conquers all.
I'm not sure from your question why you are the one who hurt her. You are not forced to take anyone's advice. The situation living with your parents seems to have had quite the effect on her entire character. Or maybe it's something else.
Talk to each other. Tell her how you feel. Do whatever you think it takes to make your relationship work. You owe it to each other. I would suggest counseling, but that is sometimes expensive. Talk to each other. It's the cheapest and often best solution.
Best of luck.
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