A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was growing up, I was sure that I would turn out gay. My first crush was for a guy who lived down my street, and later, in adolescence, men featured in my fantasies. Then a girl came along who blew my mind. We were together throughout our teenage years and we shared our first sexual experience together. When it ended, I had a few frivolous encounters that came to nothing before ending up single. I began to experiment with men to satisfy my sex drive and came to terms with the fact that I was bi-sexual. A few years later, with no further heterosexual experience, I found G_d and have since decided against relations with men. This is where my problem begins. I’m in the process of getting myself sorted out to enable me to start dating women again, but I have no confidence. Most men my age have experience, and know how to please a woman to some degree, where as I am a relative beginner. When I meet a girl who takes me back, it goes great for a while, until it comes to the point where sex, or even talk of sex, becomes unavoidable. I lose my head just thinking about it and end up pushing her away, which is unfair on the both of us. I feel I’m so poorly equipped, both physically and metaphorically, that any woman I get close too will end up rejecting me… or worse. I know I have abandonment issues and a hearty slice of self-doubt, I’m just unsure of where to go from here.
View related questions:
confidence, crush, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): Been there, done that. You shouldn't have any problems. Sensitivity and technique in sex doesn't vary that much. What you learnt in your past relationships will stand you in good stead, no matter whether the partner was male or female. In fact, I sometimes wonder whether a gay past might not help you understand the female side of sex better than most men do. Just a thought.
To get down to the nitty gritty, things like kissing, touching, caressing, fondling are no different. Attention to satisfying the other party's desires is the same. If you know how to go down on a man, you're fully equipped to go down on a woman, too. The same gentleness and loving attention to the other person's body is involved. Gay men like touching other men's nipples. Well, women's breasts are far more exciting than any man's nipples.
The only thing that concerns me is that you might be pushing women away not through lack of confidence, but through lack of desire. That's what earlier posters have suggested. If women are physically attractive to you, you should just go for it. Let lust be your guide!
A
male
reader, gayuncleandy  +, writes (27 April 2008):
 You have no choice but to take the risk to be hurt and rejected. But hey, that is the worst that can happen. If you don't take the risk, there is loneliness and regret. Be strong and see what happens. You don't know anyway, and there is only one way to find out. If you are hurt or rejected then at least you have more experience for the next round. Keep going, you have nothing to lose.
...............................
A
male
reader, aim  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 I see, I see.
Well, the 'woman world' is different than the 'man world' but i believe it's on the same plane.
It tends to be hard to understand women at times since they have different wants/needs/priorities compared to us males. But the simple notion--that it is inevitable(maybe undenyable is a better word) to be around people, should keep your confidence up. I mean, everyone has been there, at some point. And, i guess, you do learn stuff, can be from mistakes or thru accomplishments, but you'd grow to be more confident with yourself in due time.
Cliche goes: just be yourself! Dont pretend to be whatever you're not. :)
*Side story: i also have had thoughts concerning pursuing women or men (I am also bi). And yes, it is hard if you go for men you cant have your own kids. But in the end after a lot of thought, i decided i just have to go with the flow. Time will tell if i'd fall for a man or woman. :)
Good luck! ü
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease don’t misunderstand me. The church has nothing to do with my decision to pursue heterosexual relationships. Put simply, I want a family, and I realised this through the church. I have absolutely nothing against homosexual relationships – that would be the pot calling the kettle black – and you’ll find that nowadays the church is a lot more open and willing to accept it. I get the feeling that some view the church and homosexual community as a ‘them’ and ‘us’, which is just plain wrong in my opinion. There is no question of me pushing aside my bi-sexuality; I am what I am and it’s been a while since I’ve accepted that. Explaining that part of my life was necessary to the actual situation I find myself in; my lack of experience with women and my lack of self confidence to deal with sex and women. That’s where your little side note comes in, and the whole point of my post. So please, do not get carried away with my bi-sexuality and decision to pursue relationships with women; I’m over it. As my own side note, the title of this post may be somewhat misleading and for that I apologise.
...............................
A
male
reader, aim +, writes (24 April 2008):
Sorry if this'll be like a weird argument, but CollaRoy has a point and i just would like to clear it up.
Ok, fine, given that you are bi-sexual (not gay!), what made you decide that you dont want to have relations with men anymore? WHAT MAKES IT SO WRONG? I mean, i'd rather you just prefer women than men for some personal reasons, but, what does GOD have to do with it? You just have to accept your sexuality because it's who you are and not dictated by something or someone.
Well, to answer your essential question:
YES, it will leave you lonely. Dont push away your being bi.
*side note, what makes you 'lose your head' when conversation goes towards sex/sex talk?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCollaroy, what the hell was that?! I do hope your not a top rater user whilst dishing out that crap, because I'd think the world has gone mad! I'm no gay, I'm bi-sexual; I find men and women equally attractive. Through my work with the church, I've decided (on my own) to abandon my relations with men. By no means have the church brainwashed me straight, it was in me all along. My question pertained to sexual experience, not "how do I accept I'm gay and escape my evil church". Read the damn question.
Thanks bfly36, your advice is much appreciated!
...............................
A
female
reader, bfly36  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 im not gay, my mom was so i have a place in my heart for ppl that are gay im also a believer. There are ministries that help ppl in ur situation if u google it im sure u will find some. I suggest u become confident with urself as a man and just begin tomake friends. Believe me if a woman sees ur a good man and ur honest she will like u, men often think they have to be or act a certain way but just be urself,ur on a hard road ahead but i know you will learn alot thru this, im not going to give u some Christian Jargon because once u know God it does not mean everything will ride smooth, u just know now no matter what u face,ur not alone.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Hi,you dont know where to go because you are living in denial.I'm sorry to say but this fundamental christian obsession with "curing" gay people really gets up my wig. All it's doing is creating partnerships where at some stage the woman will be crushed when she realises that her husband is homosexual. You cannot turn your homosexuality off like a switch, you are gay and nothing the church says can make it any different.So I'm sorry mate, the only advice I can offer is to accept your sexuality, you have the opportunity to make sure there is one girl in this world who will not marry a gay man under false pretences. A woman will never be able to satisfy your sexual needs and eventually you will seek fulfillment elsewhere.
...............................
|
