A
female
age
41-50,
*elovesmeandtheyhateit
writes:"Oh, What A Tangled Web I Weave!" I have two children 8 and 2 (ex husband) and I am engaged to a father of four other children (two ex wives). He is great with my children but I know he is empty from not being able to see his other children at this moment... you see... he is in the military and we are both stationed overseas here in italy. We have plans to marry and return to the states by December... only I am AFRAID... very lost in how I feel about the whole ex wives (the most recent one in particular) and the children. He tries his best to be a wonderful father to mine but being a stepchild myself, I know the pain of a very noticable difference between your own blood and step-children. I am afraid of the ache and jealousy of having to share your father's attention with others... those who technically have more right to it than you do... and as for the wives... they will always maintain that place and respect in his heart as they are "the mother of my children" as he calls them. It aches me. At one point I yearned to give him a child because of this!... but I have now realized that I do not want to bring a child into this world who will be second-best in his heart... for he has already appointed his "favorite" position to his daughter from his second marriage, metaphorically comparing her to the "rib from his side that God took from him". That little girl of 4 "is" the apple of his eye... And as for a Junior, the youngest of all his children, not only holds that title, but he surprised the ENTIRE family with his beautiful blue eyes and blond hair that seems to have come out of nowhere. To his father, he is everything he ever wanted from a boy and constantly brags about how big and strong that 2 year old child is and how he is destined for sports and fame with the ladies. How could any child of mine compete with that? ... whether it be boy or girl? Please do not get me wrong, for it is not the children that bother me it is that I have finally found what has seemed to be the man of my dreams... so why am I so hurt?... I am very ashamed for feeling so sad....
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 I understand your feelings. I think you have to choose between taking him, as he is, or losing him. Think hard what you want.
Now, I don't know this particular man and I am aware that parents have preferences, but, let me tell you a true story. My grandfather went to live with a woman who had four children from a previous marriage. He loved those children MORE than he loved his own. And the children to those children were his grandchildren in every sense of the word, or more so, since they lived with him and had him around all the time, and we didn't. Perhaps you have come across such a man?
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 Sweetheart you are trying far too hard.
So he is in love with his children, is that so wrong, we condemn men for not being able to show their emotions and when he does you feel that he is showing favouritism. These particular children are at the funny young age and there is nothing wrong in that. He is also dealing with the guilt of no longer being a full time parent and being with their mother.
You have your man and if you love him then you love everything about him and the fact that yes he has baggage, being his 4 children. Just embrace it don't fight it or be jealous of them.
If you make him choose, you will see that his strength of his love for his children could draw him away from you.
Just be supportive and show caring and understanding when he manages to get some time with his children even if this away from you and your children.
He has accepted your children into his life and they will get to spend a lot of time with him if they are living with you so just take each day as it comes and try not to look too far into the future right now.
Don't rule out the fact of having a child with this man you plan to spend the rest of your life with, if you love someone you have a special connection and love that no one can break so don't set in stone anything OK.
Your children and his are much more resiliant than you are probably giving them credit for and he is just trying to spread himself quite thinly right now.
I am not saying for one second that you are wrong feeling the way you do but just don't expect too much of yourself right now. Just enjoy being together and look forward not into the past, he has chosen you so you have your man.
Wish you well, keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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