A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have feelings for a person I should not. He is brilliant, incredibly smart and charming, we talked for months everyday last year, attended a course at our college together last fall, saw each other frequently over the winter at academical meetings which he invited me to; where's the catch? He has a girlfriend. Now, technically the two of us, meaning me and him, have never been anything other than friends, I'm not the type of girl to go for a taken man, but there's been a lot of 'reading between the lines' between us. He told me things about himself that I know he never confessed to anyone else, shared insecurities and looked for comfort from me when his girlfriend and other friends were available, told me how much of a unique and beautiful person I am, offered to tutor me for free, which he never did to anyone else. Even more than this, it was the small things, the way he'd look at me when we were alone, or laugh 'till he had tears in his eyes, how his heart raced when we were sitting close, how he took my hand once...I knew it was not right, that I was only hurting myself in the process, because, in spite of my feelings for him and how he could be totally adorable at times, not only is he taken, but also a narcissist at heart. He's self centered/absorbed, has clear confidence issues which he covers up with layers of ego, needs to have 20 people around him at all times which praise him almost as if he's a god, treats people as though they should be grateful if he deigns himself to give them crumbles of his time and attention. All about taking, very rarely about giving. He's not a bad person, but he has clear issues that make it really hard for people to be around him {there are very few who adore him and most people hate his guts for his attitude and arrogance}, and I'm really not the type to adore anyone unconditionally. I detached myself from him five months ago, stopped seeing him alltogether, stopped talking to him. He'd still contact me every now and then, trying to keep some communication between us, attempting to involve me in his activities once more, which I always refused. Still, my feelings for him did not go away and, on a bad day, after he willingly and completely overlooked my birthday, I went and told him everything I think about the way he treats people. He was clearly hurt and retaliated telling me I didn't know what I was talking about, since we had only seen each other about 4 times - a complete and utter lie, he must have been really hurt not to have been able to come up with anything better.Again, I went no contact with him, tried to forget about him. Still, he's always in the back of my mind, I always compare other guys I may be interested in with him. I don't get why I do this, knowing that 1)He's taken. 2)He's not in love with me. 3)Even if he was not taken and in love with me, we would never work together, as I need someone who's going to make me feel special and loved and nurtured, not someone that I have to constantly chase and thank God if he has five minutes for me. He'd never be able to love anyone else because he just has too many issues with himself to solve first. YET, in spite of everything, I still have feelings for him. Last night he contacted me again for the first time after our fight two months ago, asking me what happened when he saw me pretty much running away from a guy (said guy had just kissed me and then I bumped into Mr Narcissist and just ran away from him), saying he was worried about me, that he'd been about to go after me too and then stopped himself because he saw the other guy and didn't want to disturb us. That, in spite of what I think, he actually does care for me, that I should have attended some meetings he had, that a friend of mine does go {which he knows I knew right well}, that he will come to my graduation...All of this a week after this whole 'running into him and then away from him' thing happened, with him struggling about whether to contact me or not about it -he said so himself. I know this doesn't change anything at all, but I can't help but feel excited at first when I hear from him and such things, then stupid, because I know right well I shouldn't. How the hell do I just get him out of my mind and heart?
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female
reader, diamondshards  +, writes (20 May 2012):
Time, most likely. Give it more time. If you really are so in love with him, it may take a few more months, but eventually you will get over him. Try and stay away from him as much as you can in the meantime, as you've been doing. Keep yourself busy, go out with friends, study, read a book, anything that does not remind you of him. It will keep being hard for a while, he may resurface every once in a while, but in time things will be easier for you. You deserve a guy who will make you feel the way you want to, not someone that will keep you there, 'just in case' his schedule clears up, as an afterthought. Surely you know this already, but keep reminding yourself this- there is NOTHING to gain here for you. He can't give you any happiness, just more anguish and pain and you have to stand up for your right at being happy, serene, loved instead. If you were to end up with him, it'd provoke more issues than anything and, whilst you may be up to try that out just to be sure your great love is actually not meant to be, remember that this is not only impossible as of now, but also just a masochistic wish. You deserve better and if this guy keeps being in your mind and heart, you will make it hard for anyone actually good for you to come along and show it to you.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (20 May 2012):
 If he is really as selfish and narcissistic as you say he is, running after you may just be a boost to his ego.
The thing is, you already know he has a girlfriend, and you also know even if he were free it wouldn't work out for the best for you. Therefore, you'd be well advised to make up your mind to it that you are not going to have anything more to do with him, and you need to push away any stray thoughts/daydreams that come to you.
You have to be very persistent in saying no to yourself, as well as him. Eventually it will cease to be such a big deal - especially if you meet a man who really cares about you and is thoroughly decent!
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