A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First of all, he's my TA. We are both in our early to mid 20s, so age isn't too much of a factor. I've also been getting very high A's in the class, so grades don't make a difference either. I've always thought he was cute, but didn't start getting a crush on him until half-way through the semester when he started talking to me and we discovered that we have a lot of things in common (the subjects we're interested in, music, philosophy)--and that we were both going to the same concert that night. I go to school in a large city, so that's more coincidental (serendipitous?) than it could be in a rural area.I'm wondering if he has a crush on me, too, because he always smiles a weird, huge smile while maintaining strong eye contact with me. He constantly uses my name, and his eyes seem to rest on me when he lectures. I usually don't approach him to talk (I only smile and say hi when I see him), but he will come over to me and strike up a conversation. He remembered a small detail that I told him months ago, and brought it up recently in conversation. He teases me and has lightly touched my upper arm.But he may be in a long-term relationship and thus unavailable. HELP! What's going on between us? Should I force the issue until he tells me for sure if he's available or not? I don't mean that I would grab him and kiss him or anything. Just that I would try to ask questions that would let me know whether it's worth focusing my "crush energy" on him. If he's committed to another woman, then he's obviously off-limits.I'd appreciate any help or advice. Thanks!!
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female
reader, traeumerin242 +, writes (23 April 2012):
As a TA, I know this sort of thing happens all the time. Male TAs are more likely to be attracted to female students, but as a female TA, I have known some of my male students to be attracted to me. Sometimes, the student has genuine feelings, though other times it is more of an admiration thing. The more time you spend with your TA, the more likely it is that your feeling are genuine. It sounds like your feelings may be genuine, but there's no telling whether his are.If he's taken, then your energy is best spent elsewhere. Essentially, if someone is taken, you can look but not touch. If you are friends with him, you can admit your feelings. However, he should not take much action on that besides acknowledge it. If he's the type to leave his girlfriend for you, what's to say he wouldn't leave you for another girl who comes along a few months later?Assuming your TA is single, society would not have too much of an issue with the two of you being together based on your ages. However, you need to realize that there is a professional boundary. There often is a no-fraternization rule in place for TAs. TAs often are forbidden to hang out with their students, let alone date them. Failure to follow this rule may mean that your TA loses his job, or he could even be kicked out of the university, depending on how strict the policy is. It's not too different from a first-year high school teacher (age 22-23) dating a high school senior (age 18). Technically, there is no issue with consent, and the high school senior could technically date a 23-year-old without people questioning the relationship, but it's still illegal because that teacher is in a position of authority.If it turns out that he is single and the feelings are genuine on both parts, at least wait until he is no longer your TA before you pursue anything with him. That way, he no longer has control over your grades, though I'd caution you that he could be very close friends to your TA next semester, so there may be an indirect influence anyway. At least if you wait until the semester is over, you will be reducing the risk of someone accusing him of favoritism, and there will be a lot less concern if he's dating a former student rather than a current student.
A
female
reader, ohflyingfish +, writes (31 May 2008):
 I got on this site for advice on the exact problem you're having right now, then I read your situation and it's so similar to mine that it scared me a little.
I know it's been a while since you posted this question, so maybe you have resolved your issue already, and if you did, I'd be really happy if you could share your experience.
With me, I have yet to get over the liking of my TA, but I have decided to forget about him for a few reasons:
One, I talked to a friend of mine who is a TA, he said that TAs usually wouldn't think that their students would be attracted to them, so them being nice could just be that you're a good student. Naturally, all teachers like good students, so he might be nicer to you because of that.
Two, if he really does have a girlfriend, he might be flirting without thinking much of it. Meaning that because he already has a girlfriend, his flirting is really not for finding a girlfriend, but he's just unconsciously talking to you that way. He no longer has to think of what or how he said things affecting girls, so he probably just neglected the possibility that you might like him because of his attitude.
Three, I agree with comments that if he is in a long term relationship, and he's still consciously flirting with you. Well, do you want a man who would date you, but consciously flirt with other girls?
Hope this helps, and wish me luck with getting him out of my head! :D
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is a complicated issue. I'd guess that he IS attracted to you. Whether that means anything can come of it isn't clear. A man may act the same way toward a woman he is attracted to when free or when committed, at least in the signals, conversation, etc. He may then draw the line if he is already taken. Alternately, he may get along well with you, but not be attracted to you, or consider you to be 'a non-candidate', yet still act in the same way as you describe. This doesn't make a lot of sense at first, but it may help to recognize that we (humans) often try to live out our fantasies to some degree in real life. If you dream of driving a lamborhgini, you may slam on the gas when taking off on a green light. If you dream of finding a mate, you may act out part of the process, even if the particular person you're interacting with isn't a candidate (maybe they have kids, incompatible political or religious views, or are already taken, etc). So the point is that actions alone are not enough to judge by. Some people argue that actions speak louder than words, or that words are more important than actions, but I've found that they both play a role, and have to be interpreted in context. Even then, you can really only guess, not know for sure. Depends on how intuitive and empathic you are.The only way to find out is to simply ask. I like the idea of asking him out for coffee after the semester ends. maybe ask for his email or phone number on the last day of class or something. Remember that guys can be overly cautions too, so he won't necessarily make a move if he is interested. Also, you being shy can be interpreted either as being shy, or as being uninterested but trying to be nice. So take the step, I'd say, and ask. Best case scenario, you find a guy you'll spend the rest of your life with. Worse case scenario, you have a new friend whom you connect well with. (ok, so he COULD be mean or something, but I'm talking about what is likely.)Be brave. Many men, especially the shyer ones, appreciate a woman who can be proactive at the right times.Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Well, you seem to think he is in a relationship....why don't you ask him if he has a girlfriend, this is an innocent enough question...if the answer is yes, then I would not tell him you want to date him or anything like that, he is off limits and you should respect that....
I know that sometimes when we have a crush on someone we interpret things a guy does to build our own fantasies and we over emphasize a guys attention to mean something more than him just being nice. He may very well relate to you better than most of his students and genuinely like you, at this point that is all you can know for sure.
After the semester, go by and visit him special to stay in touch, he will get the idea that you like him as more than a friend....guys aren't stupid....I am telling you if he is interested, he will contact you....you won't have to tell him anything....you just need to drop the hint and put the ball in his court only if he is single.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to rhthymandblues2:
First of all, thanks for taking the time to answer my question. (To both of you, actually.) Again, I appreciate the advice and insight.
Second, I understand the implications of liking a teacher/student. The semester is almost done, which is why I asked now rather than earlier. I have done my best to keep our relationship professional, and do nothing to compromise his job or my good standing as his student. I'm too shy and (I hope!) mature to throw myself at him, or to do anything stupid that might jeopardize his career.
He is friendly to everyone and tries to be approachable, yes, but it is somehow different with me. He does not go out of his way to make conversation with the other students in the class. I haven't needed to worry about not "getting" the material or anything, and I don't get the feeling that he's going to shut me down if I ask a question. Rather, I get the vibe that he's curious about me--perhaps as much as I am curious about him.
I'm more concerned about ihow/i to broach the topic with him once the semester's over. I'm naturally shy, so I'd like to talk to him in a way that will not burn bridges. Even if he is involved with someone else, I'd feel bad for a while, but I'm willing to let it go if that's the case.
I'd just like suggestions about what the best things to say/do in these circumstances might be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): What are you gonna do if you reveal your crush to him and he rejects you being your TA and all, why don't you keep it professional until you finish his course, and then look him up and ask him for coffee....ideally, if he was interested in hooking up with you, he would ask you out, but more than likely he just likes you as a friend and as one of his students and wants to be available for you in that regard....sometimes students are shy about approaching their teachers and teachers have to act open and kind to make the student feel they are approachable...don't let this go to your head.....if he is single and available he will ask you out if he has romantic ideas about you....
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A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 You do need to find out where you stand, if he is available or not.If he's not available, and it does turn out he has feelings for you and has been flirting, you need to wonder how trustworthy he is. Men in long term relationships shouldn't behave that way, if you find your feelings lessengin for your partner and you have feelings for someone else, that is cheating emotionally, and you will need to think if a furutre with him is wise.If he's free, by all means go for it :o)
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A
female
reader, elliebellie +, writes (15 December 2007):
hiya!
im afraid that if he's off limits then you cant do anything.
the only way to find out is actually ask him.
or even say do you wanna go out sometime. then you'll find out two things. is he single? and is he truthful?
if hes single then great!!! go for it!
first u need to ask him if he's single though.
good luck
hope this helps
please feel free to mail me about anything else you want to talk about.
lol
ellie
xxx
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