A
female
age
30-35,
*onfused857
writes:First off I'd like to say that I am here because I really need help. Despite your moral opinions of my situation, I'd appreciate it if you could keep your advice as constructive as possible.I currently go to college in Connecticut right now. I have been seeing this guy for almost a year now. He is very understanding and I don't think we've ever had a real fight. We both share very similar ideals about relationships and what were are looking for in a person. The reason he first asked me on a date was because we had a discussion about relationships and we shared very similar views. About 4 months ago I met this other guy (we had already known each other for a while, just not very well). We hit it off right away. We both tried to act like we were just friends but we both knew there was something there. He also had a girlfriend at the time. They had been dating for a few years and she was completely and utterly dependent on him (in a psychotic sort of way). Well about a month after we started getting close, he broke up with her. Although I was the push that he needed to do it, his reasons were because he was no longer happy with her and he needed to end it. We continued to be close friends and in time, we became each others best friends here a school. We were obviously very flirty towards each other. A little bit later he told me that he had feelings for me and that he was going to back off because I have a boyfriend. But that didn't end up happening. I didn't want to loose him and he didn't want to loose me. We continued on this road.My feelings for this new guy started to effect my current relationship. I would get angry and annoyed at him very easily. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and decided that I was going to break up with him. I went to talk to him about it and said that I needed to be by myself for a while. Although I tried to make this clear, he seemed to take it as more of a break than a breakup. Because of my confusion, I didn't exactly lead him to believe otherwise. So I told the other guy and we both decided that we both just got out of serious relationships and that we'd be better off remaining friends. Although we agreed to this, we both knew that that wasn't going to work. At this point I was feeling very confused and depressed because I wanted both of them back and knew I shouldn't have either. Because of this, I started talking to my current boyfriend again and things sort of went back to normal. No more discussion was had about it and we just sort of started dating again.(This is the part where its going to be hard for you not to seriously judge me.) I never told the other guy that I was still with my boyfriend. And finally one day he kissed me. The semester was almost over and we were both going to go back home soon. So we decided that as soon as we both went home, we would take the time to ourselves to find out what we really wanted. But this didn't work either.Despite the fact that we are both at home for the summer, we talk all the time and are practically dating. I keep telling him that I don't want to be a title on us because of our agreement, but that hasn't stopped us from practically becoming a couple. We have seen eachother a few times over the passed month and things just keep growing. So now I am completely stuck. I have dug myself into a hole and I deserve every bit of it. I have a boyfriend and a guy who I am practically dating as well. Neither of which know about eachother. I care very deeply for both of them. You should know that I have always been rather bad with relationships. I stay with them for a certain period of time and then I get bored and move onto something else. The only problem is that this time I have found someone else before all of my feelings were gone for my current boyfriend. As of right now, I feel like I feel more strongly about the new guy. But I am afraid that this is only because it is something new. I don't want to fall back into my usual ways and keep jumping from guy to guy. But I also don't want to stay with my current boyfriend just because hes the safe choice. I know this was long and I apologize for it. But I really need some advice. I feel like the right thing to do would be to break up with both of them and be on my own for a while, but I hate the thought of loosing both of them. What do you guys think? Should I stay with my current boyfriend? Should I stay with this new guy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): Oh god its like your me,the elder version. Well recently i have been having almost same sort of problems. And i had this situation like 4 times. Im always confused with guys. But i did leave em all.now im trying to stay with my self but its not working.may be i should stop talking to guys for a while too.im ditching the other guy for whom im having less feelings for, every time. But one guy i truely loved and he loved me the same way or more i left him cause i had less feelings for him. But after i did that he is suffuring too much and now i cant even get the guilt out of me and date other guys properly. Anyways, i think this is real complicating. So may be you should try my stuff stop dating and try not to go near dating too.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): You could write a whole novel about this story and it would not change the basics. You're just playing two guys. Your reasons and circumstances are typical for any other cheater.
What you have to do now is not anything unique either. You have to grow up, tell them both the truth, and ask one of them to take you back if you want to continue with him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 June 2010):
I think you're hurting somewhere else in your life, and I think right now you need to focus on yourself. You're playing two guys, and you've even admitted you've had bad relationships before. Neither guy is right for you at all, and the reason you have them both around is because you seem to be scared of being alone. You need to stop with both of them for three reasons.
One, it's unfair on both of them. They have a lot of trust in you, and both will ditch you if they find out.
Two, if this does come out, your reputation will be in tatters and it will affect your chances of finding a decent guy. Nice, decent guys won't go for an untrustworthy woman with a reputation.
Three, you're not dealing with the real problems that are affecting you elsewhere. Stop with both guys, and focus on your own life right now. No man is right for you at this time, because there are problems you need to deal with first. You don't want a reputation as a cheat, or to be the woman who is divorced four or five times later on in life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is a very bad situation you are in. I am not judging you because I dont know the full story. But, I just dont think that if you are dating the first guy, you should have a hard think about how he would feel if he found out. You should have thought before you started getting flirty with the other guy what consequences it would have. I think you should tell the second guy to just back off, you obviously want to be in the relationship you are already in, so if you tell him to leave you alone, this will prevent any further wrong-doings and will not give you a repuatation if people found out.
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