A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having difficulty opening up with my feelings. My girlfriend wants me to trust her completely with the good and bad so she can share the same back with me.To me this sounds like the promised land of relationships but my every instinct, inclination and all of my wisdom, knowledge and experience tells me if I share that stuff she's gonna hate it.I Love this girl. More so than any other that I've ever dated. I really don't want this to end. I fear some of my feelings will come off as co-dependent or too mushy and repulse her. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you K_c100, I think you just expressed what I had been feeling, but there is still the dilemma of the non-communication of those loony thoughts. I think that fundamentally, we have a drastic difference here that is going to be impossible to get past.
I really Love the girl, I know she Loves me too. This is gonna suck.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 Well my advice then would be to explain how you deal with these things. You sound like you are completely right in what you do and dont share - there is no point in sharing some thoughts/feelings when you are well aware yourself that they would only be destructive to the relationship and you know it is all because of your own insecurities.
Today's culture is too open in my opinion - we are expected to blurt out every last thought that runs through our mind, when in reality this is a terrible idea especially in a relationship.
So sit down and have a chat with her and say exactly what you said to me in your follow up. Make it clear that you share nearly all of your thoughts and feelings with her, it is just the 'loony' insecurities that you dont share because you know yourself well enough that they are based on irrational fears/insecurities and have no place in the real world. Once you vocalise these 'loony' thoughts/feelings, it makes them real and creates a problem. Whereas if they remain in your head then they cannot become a problem and you can deal with them swiftly and easily.
Hopefully she should be understanding - or at least try to be. It will be hard for her I imagine as she sounds like she wants to know every last thing that goes through your mind, so for people that are naturally so open it is tough to know that your other half is a bit more private and prefers to deal with their insecurities alone. But you should not have to compromise who you are just for her quest of knowing every silly little thing that goes through your head - you are actually in the right here and it would only create a lot of drama & problems if you opened up about everything.
Try and communicate this as best as you can to her - that the majority of the things you dont tell her are only destructive thoughts that would create problems in your relationship. She may jump in at this point and say " well I dont care, if it is a problem for you then it is a problem for you too" but this is foolish - an insecurity that you KNOW is irrational does not require you to take action on it because you are aware of its stupidity. Whereas if you had an insecurity and you actually believed it could be true/real, then you would need to let it out into the open to deal with it. But because you have these 'loony' thoughts/feelings and you have labelled them as such, you have dealt with it already and no further action is required.
I feel for you - this will be a tough conversation to have and knowing women as well as I do (being one helps!) I know how we often feel we need to know everything that is going on with our man. But this is actually wrong and I hope that she does understand where you are coming from when you sit down and talk to her. This 'holy grail' of relationships as you said is actually based on something very wrong, just a female insecurity where she needs to know what is going on in her man's head 24/7.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): Is it that you fear opening up to her because you're are hiding things from her that she must know but are afraid that once she finds out she will leave you? I had the same problem with my ex, and after we broke up I found out she didn't open up to me because she was leading a very different life from what she told me. I was mortified when I found out mounds and mounds of information about her and I never told her I know. I just cut her completely out the picture.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThing is, I'm great at differentiating what needs to be shared and what should be kept to myself. Problem is this, she is SO perceptive that she knows when I'm keeping stuff to myself. I probably also show it on my face like writing on a wall
I am able to willingly share all the feelings and experiences and my point of view on things that are good to share, I just don't want to share all the imaginary loony insecurities that I have. Because they are completely irrational and stupid and I KNOW it.
Ie: I hate her job... for no reason. I just do, and telling her that won't make her quit, won't make me feel better. Certainly won't make her feel better.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 January 2011):
Well all you need to learn is how to differentiate stuff that is good to share, and then the stuff that you need to deal with in private.
It is hard to give examples but when a thought or feeling pops into your head and you want to share it - stop and think about it. Is this something that you have conjured up purely because of your own issues/insecurities and it would only negatively affect your girlfriend/the relationship? Or is this feeling/thought based on a problem in the relationship and you would feel better to talk about it?
Opening up is always scary, and of course you will worry that you might push your partner away. But what will do more damage is not talking & communicating, because that way you will lose her just because you have not been able to let her into your heart and head.
Could you give any examples of what you think she might hate? As a female I might be able to shed some light on how a girl would react to this sort of information so that could help you? I cant think what would be so awful that would repulse a girl so if you could share with me anything you are hesitant to tell her then that would really help!
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