A
female
age
41-50,
*loody_Mary
writes:I am a teacher. First of all, I would like to state that I am 27 and have *never* had a crush on anyone younger than me! I also know that what I'm about to write makes me a pedophile, so I am asking you not to call me names; I deserve them all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you are willing to help!I started working in an elementary school in January 2010. (I teach English in Europe, but I do not want to disclose my nationality. I am sorry for any possible mistakes, as I am not a native speaker.) I met a boy of 14 and felt a strong attraction to him. It still not only lasts, but is getting stronger every day. I try not to look at him and ignore him as much as possible, but still be a good teacher to him. It is even worse because he has developed a crush on me, so he finds all these excuses to be near me... I avoid him as much as I can without seeming weird.The first time I laid my eyes on him, I just wanted to step up to him and let him hold me and kiss him... I know it is disgusting and pathetic, but I cannot help it. I have never in my life felt such a magnetic attraction to a man nor a woman (I am bisexual) and I just don't know what to do! How do I get rid of it?! I have not spoken to anyone because I am ashamed and feel filthy. I cry a lot and I dream about him once or twice a week. In my dreams he is in his twenties and we make love, talk, laugh... I am happy in my dreams. Then I wake up.I am 27 and I am sick, I deserve the worst: that is the reality. On the surface I am a good citizen, a girlfriend, a friend -- but I am rotten on the inside. Why now? HOW? I thought pedos were born that way; I thought there were signals, I sure as f***ing hell didn't think I would ever walk into a class and fall for A CHILD.Again: I know I am now a pedo, I know I deserve to be shot, I know that "just this one boy" is no valid excuse... Don't insult me and call me a pedo, I am that but would never touch that boy. Tell me how to get over him, please! I can't live like this anymore! I have to look at him until June and he has a crush on me and follows me around like a dog.I want to get over him. PLEASE, anyone, help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): I found this because I googled the topic, "i have feelings for my student." I think you're being wayy too hard on yourself. You're NOT a pedophile...a pedophile is a person that is attracted to young children (usually age 10 or under). Although it is not legally appropriate, there are some teens that look older than their actual age, so don't insult yourself by implying that you're attracted to a little kid...this individual may LOOK LIKE an adult. You're not disgusting, you don't deserve to be shot, so please don't say those things about yourself.
I'm a 23 year old teacher, and I am VERY attracted to a 16 year old student I have. When he walks into class, I feel myself brighten up and instantly become more cheerful--I have to consciously try to not show it on my face because I fear that my feelings will show and everybody will know (my face is very easy to read). When he is absent, I miss him. I think about him and sexually fantasize about him. I know, it's not appropriate, and trust me, I would never actually ACT on these feelings. I just hope that I'll get over it. I know, I didn't offer advice (because I want the same advice that you're asking for!), but I hope it helps you to know that you're not alone. I think that as long as we behave professionally and essentially try our best to ignore these feelings and NOT add to them by maybe hugging the student or chatting with them more than necessary, we should hopefully be fine soon. It is January 2012, so if you have some trick up your sleeve about how you got over this student, please let me know so I could get over my student!
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reader, elden knight  +, writes (8 September 2010):
Wow. that is a problem. but i can kinda connect it to my problem as well you see im a student and my teacher kinda likes me as well im a girl and SHE see's me as a boy. so weird huh. i say try looking for men with the same qualities as the boy. i know its hard to try move on because you had a strong connection with that person trust me been there done that. but hey it helps you not get into such mess. :D
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): Hi, and first of all have you seen these 14 and 15 yr old guys? They look like they are 30. Don't be so hard on yourself, read about the characteristics of this age group, very normal for the boy to become close to an adult, however use good judgment. They change like night and day. I was in the same place, only we never saw each other we just talked. He was in love with me, and had many issues we discussed, we both helped each other, however his 24 yr. old sister ran the family and when I called to ask permission to keep talking to him, his sister went ballistic and banned, threatened me from ever talking or seeing this person. I am having a hard time because we got along very well. But I know back to school he won't even know I am alive. Be good to yourself and get out because you will get hurt big time. It all takes time, it won't happen overnight, just keep learning about these age levels and maybe you will understand it only leads to a broken heart. Good luck, I understand your feelings. You are young, try a 21 yr. old or even 18, they are legal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): I found you while googling this subject. It is june now and I suppose you are free of him..I looked it up because I am going through the same thing. I have never ever liked a younger guy let alone be attracted to someone so young. He looks 18. Just saying, I understand and I hope you have been able to be strong. I know it isn't easy. Glad to know I am not the only person out there going through it..
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): Don't forget, he's a 14year old child, and 14year old kids don't keep secrets or understand the gravity of them like we adults...and when you get intimate with him, he's going to brag to one of his buddies, cousins, or brothers, or close someone who he feels he can confide with, and at that point; YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE-JAIL TIME!!..b/c these kids are going to surface the rumor like wild fire and you will be left standing trying to defend a defensless allegation...
You will go to Jail big time!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): just so that you do not forget: a 14 year is IS A CHILD. keep that in the back of your head. it should clear up anything else you are feeling. I strongly urge you to seek professional counselling. you are in a position of trust as a teacher. don't abuse it.
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reader, faded +, writes (28 March 2010):
 soo...why are you so hard on yourself? if he`ll notice that you like him, then he won`t make it any easier on you. think clear? you know you can`t have him, so try to figure out how to fall out of love with him, at least for the time being. I wouldn`t suggest you to speak to his parents or tell him that you want him to stop having a crush on you. this looks really difficult.there is this movie called Notes on a Scandal (2006) which shows pretty much the possible consequences of such an affair. think clear and sort out your feelings, but I think you can easily pull away from this maelstrom of feelings when you won`t deign him worthy of all your dreams.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (18 March 2010):
 Sigh... sorry your going through this. It dose NOT make you a paedophile. A paedophile is an adult who has an attraction to under-age children. It's not falling in love with just one person, he'll try to have sex with as many kids as he can. A paedophile has a brain that is wired wrong. They cannot have satisfactory sex with an adult, they don't fancy them and do not become aroused. That is not what is happening here.
I will tell you what I tell all the teenagers who have "crushes" on their teachers. Your feelings are not wrong. The boy is pretty, he has nice qualities, if your ages were different, if the situation were different, then a relationship might be possible. We can't help who we fall in love with. It's impossible to try, repression just makes things get worse. However actions do matter. You and this boy cannot be in a relationship right now. He is under-age and you are at work. (I know you think this way, but this is what I tell the kids)
Keep doing what your doing. Avoid being alone with him, or spending any time with him. If you have a trusted friend at work then I suggest you tell them what is going on. They can help to stop you if you get tempted in anyway. I know this is difficult for you, as difficult as it is for the teenagers who fall in love with teachers. You must do what they do. Keep a diary or journal, write down your feelings there. Do not make any contact with this boy, if he notices and complains, then do not be afraid, you can say you noticed he had feelings and you were trying to distance yourself and help him to keep a teacher-student relationship.
At 14 he is below the age of consent. I notice you dream of him being 20. It is not his age which attracts you, you are not aroused by his age. You are aroused by his beauty and the adult he could be. It's the adult man you wish you could find to fall in love with. You could wait until his 18/21, but this is still difficult, he's too bloody young for a relationship.
Best is to carry on, you can have your dreams and fantasies, but at work, you are the teacher and you must act professionally. He's out of school in 4years time, hopefully this will stop there. Your an adult, you know that we can love people who we can't have. We wait, we date other people, and eventually we forget and move on in time.
Feelings are not wrong, but bad actions are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): It happens. I'm 23, and I fell for a boy who was thirteen. It just happens, and I honestly don't think that either one of us has anything to do with the sick people who hurt children. The mind and heart are just mysterious. You're not sick, and you're not alone either.
You will be able to get away from him in June, and that will help. In the meantime, find someone to talk to in real life about it. Could be a therapist, could be a trusted friend, but above all else have someone you can say this aloud to. Silence and secrecy can drive you insane, and being free from that can help you face the days with him so much more easily. Keep a journal. Concentrate on how you love your boyfriend. Have an escape into an activity that makes you happy.
Remember in the time that remains with him that he needs to be helped to move past his attraction to you, but he never needs to feel punished for it. It's a pretty normal rite of passage to have a crush on a teacher, after all. Gently push that attraction away by relating to him in such a way that whatever maternal instincts you have toward him are clear. Call him "son." If he ever makes any obvious flirtations, have a talk with him. Explain to him that a relationship would be unacceptable and tell him why. His emotions are delicate at this time of life, and he needs you to be mindful of that even if he doesn't realize it. Give him a reasonable explanation, because not only is that good for him, it's good for you - it'll help you stand firm, and you'll be so glad you did it. Don't lose sight of the fact that you're his teacher, someone who holds a great deal of influence in his life, and help in what ways you can. This makes it easier. This makes something good come of the situation. You'll know you did the right thing.
Please don't beat yourself up over this. I did for a long time, it doesn't do you or him any good. Your thoughts and feelings remain just that - feelings. They don't do any harm. I can tell that your a good person, and that you want to do right. Never lose focus of that, and you'll be fine. Best wishes. :)
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reader, Bloody_Mary +, writes (17 March 2010):
Bloody_Mary is verified as being by the original poster of the question If you do not bother to read, why bother answering? I DO NOT WANT NOR PLAN ANY KIND OF "RELATIONSHIP" WITH THIS BOY. I am not an idiot. Even if there was a way to do it, I WOULDN'T. Ever. Because it is wrong. I posted this to ask for advice how to get the boy off my mind for good.@anonymous, k_c100, marieclaire, missaqua777 - I have had a couple of more hours to think about everything and your advice, so here it is: 1. I have questioned myself and I believe from the bottom of my heart that I am no danger to children. 2. I would take up your volunteering advice if I haven't already been doing it since last year. I'll continue. I do not feel anything non-maternal/sexual to those kids, so I'll keep going to the Centre.3. I have thought about it, and there may be something else causing this, because I am in a difficult period in my life right now. I don't know what exactly... Maybe all the things together?4. The calendar helps SO MUCH, I just printed it out and glued it to the front page of my school planner. Anybody can see it and it is of a very bright color; if people ask I will say I am counting workdays left. (Yay summer! Plausible, no?) I keep the planner at my desk at all times, so I won't be able to forget even if I try to.5. I do not think I can "erase" the feelings I have, but I will keep controlling and suppressing them, as I have since January.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): Relax ok. You are not a pervert. It is totally natural to be attracted to someone who is attracted to you. But unlike most people you are taking it way tooo seriously. You are dwelling on your feelings, giving them energy. You are just immature. Accept it can never happen and move on. Eventually you will totally forget about it. Stop feeding it with your thinking power. Transfer the energy into something productive, like writing or drawing, or making an assembly for parents. Transfer that energy girl.
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reader, wild orchid +, writes (16 March 2010):
 No you are not a pedo. But you need to get yourself together. this is a serious case. you are an adult he is a minor. do you know the consequences this can bring? if i were you i would stay away from this boy and try to avoid him at all times. if this boy gets out of hand i say have a serious talk. this boy can get you in alot of trouble. i mean seriously you think a 14 year old is worth risking your career your whole life. because then what will happen is your life is ruined no one will want you near there kids. and then you will be named what you dont want to be called. i say try dating someone older, someone who can take this kid off your mind.
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reader, Bloody_Mary +, writes (16 March 2010):
Bloody_Mary is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S. Thanks to the mod, for letting me ask this. Don't know where else to thank, so I am doing it here, I apologize if I am breaking any rules by this!
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reader, Bloody_Mary +, writes (16 March 2010):
Bloody_Mary is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, THANK YOU all so much and thank you for being honest!
To those who did not read carefully, I will repeat: NO, NO, AND A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!! I would NEVER act on it, never! I do not even consider acting on my impulse, God no! He is a boy and I know it! I have a boyfriend and we love each other very much, we are the same age and (for those who will wonder) the sex is great, it hasn't changed a bit since this situation I have. Also - if this means anything and I hope it does - I have always been attracted to very feminine women and very masculine men. Have no attraction whatsoever even to childish features, let alone CHILDREN. This is the ***first*** time this has happened to me. That being said, I counted: I have worked with over 500 children so far, in schools and tutoring and in the local help center (I am a volunteer and I help children from troubled homes study and write homework). I have been alone with them dozens of times, even 18-year-olds who look pretty grown up. BUT THEY ARE ALL KIDS TO ME. I do not look at them _that_ way. If I really was a pedo, I guess one of those 500 (or thousands of other kids I have seen in my life) would be (disgusting to write) "attractive" to me. They haven't. I guess that's a good thing?
To those who read and wrote honest advice: thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart. Today is the first time I haven't cried thinking about this situation and your words helped me. I have had a rough day today, two classes of English in that boy's class and then I had to sub for a sick colleague. Three altogether. I managed.
I have begun to believe that I can do it. I even made a calendar and I am crossing out days left.
Thank you all so much, thank you for your support and your time... I will keep you updated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): First of all, good for you for being so disciplined and brave about this. And I am glad you are seeking help here.
You are doing the right thing. Now do all you can keep going until June. Sometimes a change of place really helps. Can you go away for a long weekend?
Sometimes being very busy helps. Can you take on more work at your workplace or join cooking classes or pottery or anything that you fancied? Volunteering at an animal shelter really helps too because it is so emotional. You have little room to be self indulgent and broody at the end of the day.
I'm saying this because I have found that apart from discipline what works in keeping one's mind off anything inappropriate is focus away from self. You brood less when there are other preoccupations. And these need to be things where you need to apply your mind. I also found that if you are on a deadline it helps to sit with a datesheet and cross out days. Praying helped too, in my case. I decided I could only do the right thing and then leave it to God - one God that I could picture and talk to. I have never been a believer but it helps now.
And keep telling yourself that you cannot control how you feel. You cannot control what you dream of. So leave those things alone. You can control how you act. Don't beat yourself up. Don't brood either. Focus. If you are at all religious, talk to your God and treat this as a test or punishment to make you stronger. You are a good, moral person and you will stay that way because you choose to.
As for the boy, if you need to be stern with him, be so.
Hope some of this helps. Write in again if you need to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): A pedo acts on his/her feelings towards children. You're not a pedo yet.
Forgive yourself for the feelings. Don't forgive yourself for anything inappropriate that they cause you to do. Self control is the key thing here.
Another things is that pedophilia is sexual fetishing for children. Having an attraction for a person that happens to be underage is not quite the same thing as long as his young age is not the reason for the attraction. You have said you've never felt this way before and you don't talk about how lovely and child-like this boy is.
Compare a grown man looking at 18yo girls who look like adult women, versus a grown man who likes 18yo girls that look 13. Both are legal but there is a world of difference between them.
You need to do ANYTHING you have to, in order not to act on this. If you do something inappropriate you will be living with consequences (guilt if nothing else) for years to come. Ask for a job transfer or even quit if you have to, but just HANDLE IT. That's the difference between you and a true pedo.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): Firstly you are not a paeodofile- i read that it's due to different brain wiring and surely that would create a certain trend in all your attractions-
this is the first boy you've fancied- AND kids at this age can be more mature seem older he could easily have the mind of a twenty year old look older- also when you fantisize there's nothing about being aroused by CHILDISH features- you imagine him in his twenties. Attraction is a complex thing and nobody on here can brand you a peadofile stop beating yourself up because don't you see you're doing the best moral thing-
it's normal to want something you can't have, it happens so much and the fact you're realising it's inappropiate (not gonna say it's wrong i have no right it's an unusual attraction NOT paedofilic) and restraining yourself is the right normal thing to do but obviously it can not happen now, and what i would say like many others is transfer schools just to be on the safe side because we're all human there's only so much will-power and just letting that guard down a little could ruin you life.
Hmm am sure the ext few answers will be a load of high and mighty pea-brained politicals "it's a problem you need help!!!" you're not a paedofile they're WRONG!!! lol take care xxxx :D
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): I think it's just because you've been single for a while,
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reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 March 2010):
You need to raise your right hand, swing it out away from your body then slap yourself across the face as hard as you can. You are playing with fire. Do you not know how 14 year old boys are? Do you think this is a secret he keeps between you and him? You must realise that you are regularly discussed with his friends, that's what 14 year old boys do. He is the coolest in his group right now and every day they gather around him asking for updates. It just takes one of those children reporting any inappropriate comments or behaviour on your part to their parents or another teacher and your ass is in jail. I won't even go into the humiliation that you will undergo as everybody including your family find out that you abused a child. You will be fired and you will never teach again. Your face may be in the papers and it will be a huge scandal. Don't delude yourself. 14 year old boys don't keep secrets like this for long. Even if he is 'in love' with you and he promises that its just between you, he will confide in at least one friend who will surely tell the other friends. What if your text messages or emails are intercepted by a parent? I am a mother of a 13 year old boy and regularly go through his phone without him knowing because as far as I'm concerned he is a minor and not entitled to privacy until he is of age. The mother of this boy will go to the ends of the earth to get you if she gets wind of you. Make no mistake about it. Her son mayl take your side but the law will take its course. Everybody is speaking to you gently as though its not that bad. I'll bet that if it was a little 14 year old girl everyone would be mad as hell. It IS bad because if it is not stopped NOW, you might end up taking this so far that you won't be able to stop. Even if you stopped after one kiss with him, the damage has been done because even if he tells someone 5 years from now that he once kissed the teacher, you can still be arrested. So its up to you to gain some impulse control and stop this madness.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 March 2010):
 I think you criticise yourself too much - are you actually attracted to children, or is it just this one boy in particular? Because if it is just the one boy then no you are not a pedophile, you are just attracted to someone unsuitable for you.
However if you are attracted to children in general, and you feel that these sorts of feelings could re-occur with another child, then this is where you have problems.
First of all - I really suggest you see a counsellor. There are plenty of private therapists who you can seearch for online that will be able to help you. Doctor/patient confidentiality still applies to psychologists so they could not go to the police or your employer due to this agreement. The only time your job may be in jeopardy is if they feel that child is in serious danger - if you are going to them for help and you are clear that you would never touch him then the therapist would have no reason to inform your employer or the police.
It is hard to answer this without knowing if this is a one-off crush on a boy or if you have an attraction to children. But basing this on the idea that it is a one-off thing, then you just need to distance yourself from the boy as much as you can. Inform the herad of the school that you think he has a crush on you (which is true) and that you would like some adivce on how to handle the situation. The head may choose to move the boy to another class, or may just give you some good advice on how to make sure the boy keeps his distance.
If you really feel this is not an option then I think maybe a transfer might be a good idea to another school. And I think to prevent this from happening again in the future, teach much older children, like the 16-18 year old age group. Or maybe even much younger children - I know I will get criticised for saying this but you seem to imagine this 14 year old as a grown man who can hold you - if you worked with very young children, who are younger than the age of 10 then I am sure you would not be able to see them sexually and would have more of a maternal instinct towards them rather than an attraction to them.
Am I right in saying that you dont have an attraction to small children (as in under the age of 10) and you would never be able to develop feelings for them? Or do you think you could have feelings for any child, regardless of its age?
If you honestly think you could have feelings for any child of any age then you really should be responsible here and leave your job, and dont work with children ever again. I know that will be horrible for you and a huge step to take, but as a teacher you are well educated and have a lot of options out there for you, that would mean you are not in contact with children. You have to be responsible and think about your position as a teacher - if you are putting a child in danger and can cause the child harm then you have to accept that this is not right and you need to leave your job. As much as you may love teaching, you must put the child's safety first and if the only way to stop this is a change of career then so be it.
But I want to stress that should be a last option only if you do have feelings and an attraction to children, not just this one boy. I am worried that it may start out as this one boy, and then when he leaves there may be another. Do you think this is possible?
You really need to evaluate the situation and have a good hard think about this - it is your duty as a teacher to put the safety of your children in your care first. So if you think you are a potential risk to children then teaching is not the right job to be in.
So to summarise you need to make a decision about your career and decide if this is the right thing for you to be doing. You will of course be able to get over this boy, just as you get over any other relationship in life. But the worry is that you may develop feelings for another boy in a few months time, that is where you see a repeating pattern and the problem really arises.
This has to be your choice - ask yourself this; Am I a risk to children? If the answer is no then get some advice from the principle of the school about the boy's crush on you, seek help from a private therapist and just allow your feelings to fade over time. But if the answer is yes, then you need to start thinking about alternative plans, so you are no longer working with children.
I hope this helps and good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): you need to remove yourself from his teachings. change class rooms schools, whatever it takes. You need to seek professional help now! DO NOT WAIT! I am a child who was raped by a man when I was 4. and although it was not the type of rape one tends to think of in their head, this man was concerned if i was comfortable etc.... in your eyes its a relationship.... in his eyes it will be rape and pain.
and no pedo's are not born that way, unfortunately most are created by previous abuse. You have taken the first step in getting some help before you tear apart a sweet childs life.
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reader, CaptainReynolds  +, writes (16 March 2010):
There is absolutely no way you should act on this.
I think that you should look at this with some perspective and wonder if you really are attracted to this child, or whether you are just unhappy at the moment and responding to the only person to show any romantic interest in you.
You are unhappy with yourself and your life at the moment. This boy seems young and innocent and has shown interest in you, which perhaps you are lacking in your adult life.
I would suggest that you try to move on from these feelings and transfer them to someone more appropriate and your age.
If you act on this you will regret it. You will lose your job, the respect of your friends and face jail time.
It really is just down to the fact that you are lacking love at the moment but you should not be looking for it from a child.
Perhaps you should consider going to see a therapist to work out why you are unhappy and what you can do to make yourself happy in your life. All the best
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reader, kayla20 +, writes (16 March 2010):
 you need to try and focus to attraction towards someone of your own age maybe another teacher.if something happens here you could be in a lot of trouble and can kiss goodbye to your career.id say stay as far away from this child as possible and dont allow yourself to be put in a position where you are in a room with him alone remember you are there to do a job and nothing more.
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