A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been the male equivalent of a mistress for the past 7 years. Is it strange that I don't mind? I havent dated or even tried to date because I am just fine with having her a few times a month. I am 42 years old and never been married, but I don't know why I am happy and content where I am with all of this. Most people would think I am crazy, I love what I have with this woman. Does this seem strange?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2017):
 I don't find it strange but I do find it very sad that this is enough to keep you happy in life. If you are truly happy then good for you but I know for a lot off people it would kill a part off them knowing that they loved someone yet they wanted to be with someone else. For me I could not do it, I would have to ask her to choose who she wants to be with, I couldn't share someone that I love.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 November 2017):
 Anon reader, monogamy isn't the issue here. Polyamory is okay, but cheating is not. It's human decency not to cheat on someone or be a part of that with someone who is.
It's one thing to be selfish and another to be cruel, which is what an affair is. Be poly, if you want to, but don't agree to monogamy if you aren't going to stick to it.
OP, you're not happy and nobody in an affair deserves to be until they stop being cruel. Nobody is forced to stay in a marriage they aren't happy with, so leave and be with someone else or several people - just be honest and don't aid in affairs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2017): Honestly I think it’s great that you’re happy with what you have with this woman. I don’t agree with what I consider to be the dogmatic mindset of those who preach monogamy for every married couple. Is it fucked up that she’s cheating? Maybe... if that’s your perspective on cheating. However unless her husband is a friend of yours, it’s not really your problem. I guess I’m selfish but hey just how I see it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 November 2017):
Honestly, you're trying to fool yourself. You wouldn't be here trying to validate it, if you were content.
Look at yourself. Put yourself in her husband's shoes. Do you not care that you're a big part in ruining someone else's life? As soon as he finds out, that's what it will do.
You need to act your age and not be so selfish - you're not a toddler fighting over toys. This woman is MARRIED and can't be trusted, but neither can you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): You're lying to yourself, OP.
You have more feelings for her than you care to admit.
7 years and sex only is an impossibility, even for a man.
You think you're that special? Better than her husband? Well, you're not. You just happened to worm yourself into her weaknesses. Quite the charmer, are you?
Imagine how you'd feel if she was your wife, doing this with another man behind your back. You'd feel just like her husband. Like shit.
You are going to end up old and all alone.
She has everything lined up perfectly. A sucker to take care of her and a sucker to fuck her. And don't think for one second that she isn't having sex with her husband. Because, despite her lies to the contrary, she definitely IS.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): First I need to express that she is NOT married. Her husband died about 8 yrs ago, and we were friends before that, although I wanted more. I felt like I had fallen in love with her. then when her husband died, I just couldn't be that man partly because of the guile I felt about wanting her when he was alive. I was actually pretty shitty when I think about it, because I sort of ran away from it. I even then started actually dating someone. that lasted about a year but hat woman thought I was secretly in love with my "friend". I don't know if I really was because that break up really devastated me. In the meantime, this new "widow" began dating someone else. she had told me, that it could have and should have been me, but I was not there (I had moved on she said). So then she opened herself up to a relationship with someone who has been good for her and her kids, but then I was still in the backdrop I guess, because after my break up I went for it, and she responded. I am not sure what I feel. I just think it must be something more than sex, and maybe had I not raun away, it would be me with her now all the time instead of him. I guess I did this to myself, but I don't know how to change it.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (20 November 2017):
 OP, while I was reading your post I just felt sad. You can tell yourself that you are content, but if you are then why are you on here? Something is missing. I believe that deep down inside you know this isn't a great situation. I think the other aunts/uncles have summed up pretty much everything so I just want to ask you this: Are you willing to to keep doing this for another 7 years? I am guessing the sex must be fantastic to keep it up for 7 years but in the end is sex enough? You two do not share the same bond that married couples share and you never will if you keep going on the way that you have.
Have you ever thought of what you are doing to her husband? Her children (if she has any?). Apparently she doesn't care. Do you??? What would you do if this woman was your wife? Wouldn't you be so hurt? Do you not have any moral compass??
Again, I will end things by saying I feel sorry for you. It you can live this way and be content then I guess you just don't need or require much in life OR you are just kidding yourself. Which is it?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (20 November 2017):
If you’re happy what’s the problem. Seems to me if you were truly content you wouldn’t be writing to a bunch of strangers asking advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): I dont think its necessarily "strange" per say, I mean we're all wired differently.What I will say is you are happy with an arrangement that surely is not going to last for a lifetime. You have to ask yourself, how would you feel if it ended? Would you be okay with that and would you be able to move on to someone new? It really comes down to your own emotional well-being.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 November 2017):
 The problem with this is that you're content at the expense of someone else. Would you be content if you were to shoplift things from a store, or would it bug you that you're stealing?
That's another man's wife! Yes, she is choosing to cheat, but your arrangement is at the expense of another man, and possibly children, who will be devastated by your part in destroying their life and their happiness.
You're not blameless. What you are is morally bankrupt and astonishingly selfish in this whole scenario. You could have this with an unmarried FWB, and then nobody would be hurt.
Here's some REALLY sobering food for thought:
In some states and increasingly more and more states, laws are passed or passing that allow for Alienation of Affection, meaning that the aggrieved spouse (in this case, her husband) can find legal redress because you are sleeping with his wife, whom he has a legal marriage contract with. So far, the 7 states with laws enacted as of today are Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah. Her husband could conceivably clean you out financially, and lawyers are taking advantage of the potential cash cow that suing a paramour can reap, especially since given your age, you should be in your peak earning years.
In other words, say buh-bye to your pension, savings, house, 401(k), all because instead of picking up a gun, the scorned husband can find a good lawyer. Even if you live in a state that does NOT recognize alienation of affection laws, he can sue you in a state that does, since marriages are generally recognized in all 50 states and other US territories.
Bet you don't feel quite as content NOW, do you?? Cheating isn't some Ashley Madison harmless sinful soap opera intrigue. The laws are in place and making a comeback so that scorned spouses don't choose to do violence on the snake stealing their wife.
YES, she is the cheater. But you are violating the legal sanctity of marriage as well as societal morality. And what goes around definitely comes around. If I were a single woman dating you and found out that you have been dating a married woman for 7 years, I'd be out the door and FAST.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): It's convenience. You're not emotionally-available, and an affair offers you sex on demand. It requires little or no need to tap into your emotions, or to form a real commitment.
Just for ya-ya's, maybe you should get a little counseling therapy to investigate why you would be so content on not really giving of yourself? Why at your age, you require no commitment and no meaning attached to intimacy? You find the situation safe, predictable, and effortless. Boy dude, you're lazy! Please don't tell us she's your sugar-mama!
I'd say there might be a little arrested emotional-development going on here. How can you expect so little from your partner, and give so little of yourself? To read it, it comes across as so empty and void of love. Functional, but meaningless.
I can see it during your impetuous youth and experimental-phase of adolescence; not as a mature and stable adult.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2017): I think it says a lot about you:
- weak, in the sense that you choose to be "weak" by deciding to stay, when you could fairly easily leave
- selfish, as you refuse to leave her and are happy to ruin her spouse's life
- lazy, when it comes to building a healthy relationship
- in denial, as you do want more and are trying to fool yourself into being content with someone who lies, cheats and will never truly love you
It's sad, OP. You wouldn't be here, if you were genuinely content with it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2017):
 I don't think it's "strange" per say, but I think you are 1. selling yourself short and 2. lazy about relationships. And morally, it's just sad.
You give HER everything, make HER your priority and she can't give you that back. She might TELL you that she LOVES you, but not enough to want to BE with only you. The husband gives her what she wants - be it prestige, a nice home, a facade, security. Something she doesn't think you can do as well as her husband. If she HAD to pick she would probably pick HIM over you.
I call you lazy because you are. It's a LOT less effort you have to put into an affair versus a long-term relationship or marriage. You don't have to live together, you can still do her thing and she DEFINITELY does her thing. You don't have to deal with family gatherings, family vacations, day to day run of a couple or family - at least not together. She does that with her husband. All you have to do is show up. That is why affairs can last for ages. Because it's a LOT less involved than a marriage. The investment is low. The risk these days? low. If you want to walk away you can, EASILY. You don't owe her squat, she owes YOU nothing as well.
Do you ever consider the husband in all this? That HE perhaps works hard so she can have all those nice things his wife wants... yet her way of respecting him is to screw around with you...
You have spent some of your "prime days" (from 35-42) on a woman who uses you and whom you use. This isn't romantic or love. It's stunted, limited, sad.
I get not wanting to marry. Nothing wrong with that. Or even not wanting long-term relationships but why not just stay single and date around? Instead of being some married woman's dirty secret?
Why did you write this post? REALLY?
It's not to let the World know that you are SO content and happy being a "Mister" to a married woman. It's because you are questioning your own actions and hers...
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Honestly.. I think it's basically an insult to yourself, as in at your age you still don't think you can find someone who wants to BE with you and COMMIT to you alone exclusively.. I wouldn't say you're THAT strange, just weak unable to commit and lacking in moral caliber.. how would YOU feel if it was YOUR wife cheating for 7 years?
Why don't you ask her husband if he finds it strange?
I really think you need to take a good hard look at yourself as to why you're this emotionally unavailable at your age
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