A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been having a hard time getting over the break-up of my last relationship. It has been a good few months since we last spoke and when things truly ended once and for all, They did not end well. (We broke up in May, cut off all communication in July, we dated only 5 and half-6 months prior to all that.)They typically say the time it takes to get over a break up is half the duration of your relationship. It's been nearly the course of the relationship itself (it's October now)and it still keeps me up at night.Feelings of shame, guilt, anger still haunt me. My confidence has taken a beating. It was a traumatic break-up for both of us. I am trying my best to be strong. But my self-worth has taken a nose dive since she told me never to speak to her again. It was especially hard to take because if you were to know my ex, she is the kindest, sweetest, most forgiving person (I still blame myself a lot for our break-up, we had too many needless fights and my tendency to be verbally/emotionally abusive. I've always accepted that my misery now was karma for those sins) But how much longer must I feel this way? I've done much soul-searching in this time and all I wish for would be for her to speak to me again. Just once.I find myself obsessing over her, stalking her email/facebook (which I only did once, and instantly regret) which is why I write this for help. For her to tell our mutual friends/acquaintances she never EVER wants to speak to me and telling everyone (her friends, family, even her other ex whom also treated her badly yet never received such punishment which I did) how crazy I was/am (Let's face it, try as I might not to, on paper that's how I must seem to everyone) She seems to have moved on and is truly happy. While my life is at a stand still as I continue to ride this out.They say don't dwell over something you cant help, but I still fight urges of wanting to call or write. I've read all the books/articles on getting over and winning back exes (which I did want for a while) waiting in vain that one day she will remember/miss me for the good times(if at all). I'm doing everything I can to turn my life around, telling myself I am not a bad person (which I truly believe I am not), I train 4 times a week martial arts, meeting new people, going on dates and being social (maybe not as much as I'd like to, but still...) and just trying to be a glass half full kind of person in general. Yet before I go to sleep at night all I still long for is for her to want to speak to me again. To miss me. They say in relationship books is to give her time to miss you, let her see what a success you've become, make her question her decision to leave by going out and being the best you can be. But how can she see this when shes severed all ties??? (she blocked my facebook so she cant see my new pictures etc.) All this knowing that had it not been for me and my stupid mistakes I made with her, things would not have been this way, makes it that much harder for me to truly move on. She can forgive her horrible friends why cant she forgive me? I feel like such a mess.. Please give me some perspective. I dont want to feel punished anymore. Help would be appreciated.Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): My Friend...I am going thru the exact thing you are going thru. I had a grilfriend for a yr...and I treated her less than she deserved (i was not cruel) now she has moved on, started going out with a guy about a week now, and its killing me. I wud give anything for a second chance, I would be the best man I can be for her...but now she says she is happy and I shud leave her alone. Thats why I stumbled on this site, I have been researching articles after articles trying to get advice. You are not alone
A
female
reader, cc62955p  +, writes (17 October 2009):
wow..im a girl but the same it sort of happened the opposite of the answer above...was with this guy for a year and a half, talked marriage everything then one day suddenly his screwed up parents have me arrested then his mom forces him to dump me..later I end up losing my job then lose afew family members and have to go to their wakes...most painful thing was after the funerals im drivin around and someone tells me this guy who left me through all of that is off and he's engaged to my neighbor...now im a pretty girl, caring and yes mistakes were made in the relationship but i didnt deserve what he selfishly did to me and neither do you deserve what this girl is doing to you...dont let her control you by ignoring you, let her know that your the one in control and would rather spend your time avoiding her at all costs...eventually you will find someone who is so much better, trust me...sometimes shy or quiet girls are nicer and need a chance
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): I know you do not want to hear this, and trust me I don't really like telling you either. Because I KNOW how it hurts, and you are grasping at straws for any little sign that things will work out somehow. I don't know the full story on the ex, but I think it might be a safe bet that your relationship was a rebound for her. Sadly that is the case for a lot of people, and someone always gets hurt. That male bovine fecal matter about getting 'under' one to get 'over' one - is just that, BS. Time, patience and acceptance is what it is going to take for you and I can sincerly relate to the pain and hurt you are enduring. As a personal favor, think about that before you jump into another relationship... you can't give what you don't have. So until you get off this emotional roller coaster- please don't put someone else through that yourself. You will get through this. Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that. It's not a thing you can forget. Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a person can figure out, life will just haul off and knock you flat, slam you against the ground so hard it seems like all your insides is busted. But it's not all like that. A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part fretting about the bad. That makes it all bad. Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another. But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help. When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it. or... she's just a b*tch -and who wants that?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): Yeah I can relate to what youre saying, im on month 3.5 after a year long relationship. Except it wasnt totally my fault we broke up, and I waas the one that broke up with her and I still feel the way you do. After the split things went pretty much the way theyre goin for you. She seems happy and Im dwelling on things. I guess itys nice to know everyone goes through this stuff though. If its such a common thing it must get better right? Or else everyone would be this unhappy. Good luck neway...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know the craziest thing, fellas?
Is that I KNOW you guys are absolutely 100% right. But it just never FEELS right, does it? I don't know why these thoughts continue to creep in & try to drag me down. Ugh...
And also knowing she could forgive that other scumbag ex(s), makes me feel so unworthy. Like I'm even worse than them.
Like they're worth more than I am to her. I hate feeling lower & hated on.
The only time I don't feel this way is when I'm training at Krav maga. Thank heavens for it. But I already do that 4 times a week. I'd do it every waking second if I could!
But yeah, I just hope things work out. But for now, FML...
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Don't write her one last email. Trust me, I know that temptation REALLY well, like I want to at least get in the last word and let her know how I feel about the way she treated me, but we should not do it. Just don't. Let her go. Otherwise you'll just look like a clingy guy that can't move on and besides that, you might say something that seems fine at the moment but you'd come to regret saying.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Write out a letter to her. Then when the time's right, burn it.
She's not worth a piece of your mind either. Anything that you do that says, "I miss you" is nothing more than a feather in her ego-cap.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses fellas,
Yeah I guess what makes me hold out hope is, knowing that she could forgive bad people eg. her ex before me (this has been a topic of discussion and much duress in the past in my previous posts) and knowing that deep down she's a loving a caring person (this is true, I am not glorifying my ex girlfriend, she had many faults too of course!)
It keeps making me ask over and over how could she hate me so much? How could I be less than nothing to her when she's off talking and schmoozing again with that jerk, surely she will come to her senses and forgive me? One day?
It's irrational more me think this way, I know. But emotions always are.
As I said, it has been many months since, but this scar is healing so slowly.
My one question now is do I write her one final email? Just to give her a piece of my mind? Nothing mean, offensive or about how I'm hurting etc. But for closure, for myself?
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 October 2009):
This is the point and time where the best advice is to forget her. You mean less than nothing to her; she doesn't miss you; and she never will.
And likewise, if I were you, I would start looking for someone else to spend my days with, and not waste another moment of valuable life thinking about someone like that.
If she cares nothing for you, then she doesn't deserve a single thought ever again. Best leave her alone. Move on.
I know its hard, but she's a stranger now. And that's how you have to treat her.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (8 October 2009):
I was with my girlfriend for over three years, and engaged to her for over one year. We were planning the wedding and were far along in those plans. Then she dumped me without telling me why and immediately insisting that I never talk to her again. She even threatened to call the cops and falsely accuse me of domestic violence if I ever contacted her again. One week before dumping me, she was asking to elope because she couldn't wait any longer because she needed to be with me immediately. She was hiding my keys to try and make it hard for me to go home at night. Then bam, she won't talk to me. This happened six weeks ago.
All I can say is that I'm in counseling, I am throwing myself at my friends and trying to fill my social life as much as I can, I am praying more and trusting in God more, and I am getting back out into the dating scene and just had my first date with a different girl in about six years now. I'm not totally over my ex-fiancée, but I'm moving on and getting a little bit better every day.
My best advice is to just respect her wishes and don't contact her. Don't email, IM, Facebook poke, call, or visit her. Remove her from friends lists, your contacts, your phone, and any other list she's on. Put away pictures of her and hide anything that is tied to strong memories of her. The more you hold onto things you two bought together, or listen to your favorite songs, or stare at her name in your phone book, the more you'll hold out hope and that's not healthy in this case. Delete her from your life and move on.
Remember, this is coming from a man who lost his fiancée without ANY warning or explanation less than two months ago. We BOTH have to just pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on. It hurts, a lot, but we owe it to ourselves.
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