A
female
age
41-50,
*am82
writes:I'm a 27 years old muslim woman, and I was married at age 17 (it was an arranged marriage as I didn't know my husband at all). my marriage has been more bad than good, and due to the 10 year age gap between me and my husband, we have never really been emotionally intimate. Past 2 years, I had been craving some excitement in my life, something to keep me happy, something out of my reality. that's when i began an online affair with a guy i met on a chatroom, he's 2 yrs younger than me and all this time i have been pretending to be someone i'm not, an unmarried girl living in toronto.i had every intention of breaking it up much earlier but the thought of losing the one thing i looked forward to everyday just freaked me out.now it's been going on since 8 months and i've really fallen in love with him. i find myself wishing all the time i could be that "girl", and i could be with him in real. my husband found out about this a few weeks ago but he has been extremely supportive, infact he has realized that he didn't give me that attention and passion i needed and he is really making an effort to change, in fact he has changed a lot.but now, i've been with that guy for so long, talking to him on the phone every night that i miss him so much. i miss talking to him, seeing him on cam. i told him my family is making me get married to someone else that's why i can't be with him, and he accepted it, saying that now it's time to move on. (I've said that many times before too in an effort to break up so now I guess he's sick of my excuses).but i can't get over the fact that he can get over me easier than i can get over him. i keep wanting to call him, talk to him, hear his voice. i keep thinking about the passion we had when we talked to each other.i miss him, and i know i can't be with him. my mind is a mess. at times i think of telling him the truth about myself, but i know he will hate me after that and i can't bear that thought.i feel guilty because i cheated on my husband and now that he is trying to hard to fix things, i'm not being fair to him. i wish i could see my husband as the man i love, instead of the man i'm married to. if my husband did all this 7 months ago, I'd have been the happiest girl in the world.What do I do? how do i deal with this mess of emotions inside me? and how do i stop missing him, hearing his voice and talking to him? He's asking me to be with him in real, and i want that so bad, but i can't do that because he doesn't even know the truth about me.
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affair, chat room, cheated on my husband, move on, muslim, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sparkleworks  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 First off I'd like to say that I really sympathised with your story. I can't imagine it's like to go through an arranged marriage, but I'm sure you must feel like there are some experiences in life that you've missed out on. I agree with burningbridges in this respect - you're probably more attached to the idea of having those experiences, rather than the man you've been talking to.
Your husband sounds like a truly wonderful man. A lot of men who find out that their wife's attention has been wandering would be too angry or jealous to recognise that they may be partly to blame. It's a great testament to his character that he's trying to make amends and strengthen your relationship, and you really owe it to him to try to match his efforts. I truly think the best way to get over this other man is to focus on your relationship with your husband - as you two become closer, you'll find that you don't need the other man in your life, as your marriage starts to fulfill more of your need for intimacy.
What you really need to understand (and it seems like you're getting there) is that your relationship with this other man is JUST A FANTASY. That doesn't make it wrong, and I'm sure that doesn't make it feel any less real to you right now, but it doesn't have a future, and if you continue to have contact with him you may jeopardise any sort of progress with your marriage. It's also not fair to this guy, if he truly does want to be with "you" (keeping in mind that he doesn't know the real you), knowing that that will never happen. He deserves the right to move on with his life too and find someone who can actually be with him.
No relationship is perfect, but I think you're really really lucky to have the husband you do, so try to make the most of it!
Good luck
xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): Why not suggest a honeymoon to your husband? If he is being supportive, he may agree.
And no matter what relationship you are in, you will have to make an effort to build emotional bridges. You can do the same with your husband. Even in an arranged marriage there is plenty of romance built in. Look back at how excited you were, what you cherished and build on it.
Cut off all contact with this man. How can you go on even after you are caught? It was online thing. He has already moved on.
What if the tables were turned and your husband started seeing another woman? Would that wake you up?
Find whatever self discipline and morals that you have and use them to get yourself out of this hole.
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A
female
reader, burningbridges +, writes (8 October 2009):
You may really be in love with the fantasy of being unmarried and free to make a choice, and not so much with the man you crave. Certainly since you lied a lot about who you are, the man you had an emotional affair with isn't in love with you, but with the idea of you.
You should consider if your freedom is worth the cost of a divorce, not so you can have the man you had an affair with, but for you happiness.
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