A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please help.I was involved with a man for three years. We had what I thought was a good relationship and I trusted him. As time went on and I began to invite this man to my house my ex, my daughter's Father started to cause a lot of problems ie: told my daughter that this man was bad and I was an unfit mother for seeing him etc. This man smoked a bit of marijuana and that was it. My ex did his uptmost I feel to destroy any chances of happiness for me in spite of saying at the time that he was concerned for his daughters welfare. My daughters father is currently an amphetamine addict and continues to smoke marijuana. At the time when he was rubbishing the other man to my daughter he kept his own addictions hidden and also took out a restraining order to prevent my boyfriend from coming to my house for reasons related to my daughter and perceived threats he saw towards my daughter. He has said since then that he had to do this to protect me as he thought this man was just trying to use me and take me for half of my house. Since then after denegrating me in front of my daughter for many years he has since then smoked marijuana in front of my daughter and verbally abused her. I feel immense anger and confusion in my life at present towards my daughters father who I believe has destroyed my relationship with my daughter through denegrating me for so many years. I'm finally free of this man now and had to take out a Violence Restraining Order to stop him from interfering with my life and further damage to my daughter. I wish I had have had the strength and wisdom to leave him when my daughter was younger and break the Domestic Violence that has been a pattern of my life but unfortunately I can't change the past. The problem is that my daughter continues to abuse me despite my efforts to break the cycle and protect her. I have been abused for the large part of my life and didn't have the capacity, strength, skills or faith until now to try to change this dreadful cycle. My daughter is 12 and I have been alone purposely and sacrificed even the thought of being with someone to try to heal out relationship. Despite my attempts and engaging in Family Therapy, Psychologists ect it doesn't seem to matter what I do for my daughter. Nothing is good enough and she critises me constantly and has now started to abuse our two cats for anything and everything. I've tried talking to her calmly, I've tried wearing the Adult Hat as instructed to do by therapists and all too no avail. My daughter does not abuse my mother or sister at all.I am extremely depressed about this situation and don't feel like my life is worth living with the constant day in day out abuse. I've freed myself from my daughter's father who was extremely abusive to me and I thought this would help. Two years on my daughter continues to abuse me and I don't know how much more I can take of this despite trying therapy and every other measure. Please help.
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male
reader, Kama  +, writes (15 June 2010):
 Throughout my childhood and well into adult life my mother was constantly "rubbishing," as you say, my father, who she divorced when I was 8. It's hard to understand, to be objective when you're young. You believe what they say. It sounds like your daughter believes what her father says. But she will grow up, believe that she will grow up, and she will one day see what she is doing to you. My father will still make me feel guilty for the psychic damage that my mother initiated, and we kids (because we were kids and loved our mother) followed through with. I have apologized to him many times, but he is still a bit bitter about it -- and that's probably just, in a sense. But you know what? Kids are kids, they are confused, growing, feeling things out. You not only need an adult hat, but an adult heart. Don't make your daughter feel guilty years from now for being a struggling kid influenced by her father. Instead of that, talk to her about how you feel now. Identify with her love for her father, but insist that she is overlooking your feelings. Be honest now. The sooner you treat her as an adult (give her part of the hat) the sooner she will earn the adult heart. Best to you
A
female
reader, src5404  +, writes (14 June 2010):
 The amount of counseling needed to fix the psychological issues in a child is more than a few visits. Going to a counselor or a therapist may take years to heal her as well as you. She needs to be well disciplined in every part of her life. Most schools have counselors or even speech therapist that can help your daughter. A counselor will help her realize and get over her problems and feelings. On the other hand a speech therapist in many cases can help her in social issues such as what is socially acceptable. You need to have your daughter treated as well as yourself. In helping yourself you will be help her as well. Talk to a doctor about the both of you being depressed. People can help but it won't be a quick fix, it can take many years.
I hope you both recover, my brother has been abusive to my family for years, not until he turned 23 and was kicked out of the house were we able to find relief from him, start earlier than we did...
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Your daughter is at a vulnerable age and to prevent her getting into trouble, you really do need to take charge of the situation right now. If you are depressed, see a doctor and get treatment. If your ex managed to get an injunction, there must have been some concerns about the influence of your boyfriend on your children. Judges don't hand them out without due cause. He maybe just using cannabis, but is that an appropriate influence around your 12 year old daughter? After escaping the clutches of one drug addict, you are wandering into the arms of another. I am not saying that cannabis is that bad, but is sure can be if used rather a lot. It also suggests that your new boyfriend has dependency issues if he needs to use cannabis. Normally I wouldn't be so harsh but in your circumstances you need to exert extreme caution in your relationship choices. It seems your daughter is acting out - animal abuse is a big red flag for future psychopathy and your daughter needs firm parenting from you, as well as professional treatment. She appears to hate you because she is an angry child who is acting out her emotions at the nearest target. Broken homes can be traumatic for any child, but through in the confusion of puberty and it is ten times worse. You cannot control what your ex says to her and in time as she matures then she may go on to see things clearly. But your job as a parent didn't stop when you removed her from an abusive environment - that was just the start. You have got to stop seeing yourself as the victim in the situation and accepting what is happening passively. You are the adult parent who should be the stable influence in your child's life. If she abuses you then you should impose a very strict regime at home of rewards/ punishments that teach her the consequences of certain behaviours. I am not suggesting that you physically punish her, but you can remove her possessions for a fixed period or deny her pocket money. You need to be consistent and firm. If you know that your child's father is an addict, you need to go back to family court and go for supervised access at a family centre. It is time to stop feeling confused about your ex. If he is as evil and meddling as you portray then you should go to the court to protect your little girl.
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