A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:*OP's Original Title*My partner had an emotional affair 3 years ago and it has been a rollercoaster since - she cut off contact fully perhaps 6 months ago and I have since discovered that she sent her an email during Easter. It's like living with a crack addict - I know there was not anything sexual between them but she has a fixation with this person because she was her teen crush. There are logical reasons why she finds it difficult for her to let go, more about what this other person symbolised rather than what she is.Since then I have told her to leave and she is staying with a friend for a few months to give me and her space. She has been suffering from depression - has been going to counselling and more recently seeing a hypnotist - Now she has gone, I just wanted to ask for some advice on the best way to make separations work - I still love her, she has some baggage, but ultimately I want us to move forward.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Aww man. First of all, I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. I may be in the minority, but I think an emotional affair is even more damaging to a relationship than a physical one. It hurts to know that your partner holds back a part of herself from you, and that despite your best efforts and outflowing of love, she can't break away from her paramour.
You are very lucid and astute too about why she is pining for her affair like a "heroin addict", and understanding her mental condition in which she's doing it. But in your defense, none of these things are any excuse. She has free will, and is responsible for the consequences of her decisions.
You did the best thing by telling her to leave. But if I may suggest to you, you should make the break/separation permanent. After a time, you need to look out for your heart, and she will not be quitting her affair any time soon. As much as she can be compared to a heroin addict, she isn't one.
You deserve someone who does not have baggage. You're not a bad person by separating from her. Let that go. Her having depression is not an excuse for you to take the infidelity. There is someone out there who will love you as strongly as you love them. You just need the courage to move on with your life.
Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. :(
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