A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girl for 5yrs during which we have had ups and downs. I was getting divorced and it was bitter. I loved her a lot but during all the stress (mostly from my side) the love has eroded. Is this because its a long term relationship or some other reason?Also i wanted her to lose weight and she agreed but only lost some. I'm not sure if I am 'deliberately warping' our relationship (as a female friend has suggested to me might be the case). I tend to want to be on my own a lot and am scared to commit to moving in with someone else after all the bad times with my ex wife.My girl loves me and wants me to stay and work through any problems but I wonder if a clean break is best. I sometimes think about other women. I don't have much experience with women, just my wife, my current girl and a couple of brief flings. I am nearly 50 and my girl is 39.I know I have some issues with moods etc but I think I'm a bit of a mess and I know I'm taking it out on my girl. I find her weight puts me off a bit and she knows this but her diet is a slow process. We have been together for all this time and had some happy times but I feel bitter towards her for not losing more weight.She is a nice person (very) and is pretty, fun, clever, loving has a good job and she always thinks we should work things out and she thinks it is unrealistic of me to think I am just going to go and meet all these other women I fantasise about.She believes in what we have had and says that all relationships go through difficulties. I did once say to her that we were soulmates. We ever had a chance for a normal romantic start to our relationship because my divorce was going on throughout most of it. She wants me to go for counselling but I don't want to. I feel as though I resent her and blame her for a lot of stuff that really belongs to my ex wife. Do I dump a good woman and take a chance that there might be other people out there for me or do i stay with her and make it work. My son has said that he thinks she is the best thing that ever happened to me but he leaves it up to me re what to do. Confused.
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, lose weight, my ex, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 Hi anon reader. PMSL means ( Pissing myself laughing).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): 'duskyrowe' your answer made me laugh SO much (re the question from the 50 yr old guy who wants his girlfriend to lose weight) - what does psml mean??
...............................
A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi there.Although i agree with the other posters to a certain extent, (some of them were a bit harsh) i will answer your question out of my point of view.You are going through a tough time, and i really think you are depressed.When we are stuck in the deep spiral of depression, we tend to look at anything and everything as wrong in our lives. I've been there.I even reached the point where i blamed my wonderful boyfriend for everything that was wrong in our relationship, and i also made myself believe that i wasn't physically attracted to him any longer. (although he didn't change at all, and i always was attracted to him before i became depressed).Then i convinced myself that he was in the wrong, for not seeing that i was going through a difficult time, and treating me accordingly, and although we live together, i moved into another room.I loved blaming him for everything.Point is: You are already on your way to healing.You've already admitted that this girl is wonderful, and loving and caring, and she is prepared to 'put up with you'.She sounds great. (Just like my boyfriend)It seems like you have a load of issues that haven't been dealt with (pretty much like me).I also never wanted to go for counseling, and my boyfriend also never suggested i go, but i eventually decided that the problem is with me, and that i'd better go for counseling.My reasons: Because i didn't want to walk out of my current (loving) relationship, straight into the next one, and then cause the same problems.You can't run away from your issues, and even if you break up with this great girl, you will face the same problems in a future relationship. Do you really want to do that???I've been seeing a therapist now for 5 months.I originally went there because of my relationship problems, but the deeper we got into therapy, the more i realized that the problems in my current relationship, were because of all the 'issues' from my past that i didn't deal with.So - i'm pleading with you, for your own sake, and that of your girlfriend. Go to counseling. Even if your current relationship won't work out, at least you won't have to face the same issues in future relationships.Good luck.Mail me if you want to chat.
...............................
A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (13 February 2008):
Since you are 50 years old. What does your gf say about your middle aged spread ie fat gut? pmsl!!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): The woman loves you as you are - why can't you love her as she is?? Weight or no weight its whats underneath that counts in the end! Good looks don't last forever - with anyone (even with the help of surgery they can only go so far) By reading your post I agree with your g/f that you need to go for some sort of counselling. Its not only the weight loss but something more. Maybe you got together at the wrong time - as you said you were going thro a divorce at the time. You didn't give your self time to get over that before starting another relationship?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): When I read your post I was simply appaled. You are really a terrible person and you should feel ashamed for being so shallow and rude. Who do you think you are for forcing your girl to loose weight? What do you think your perfect? Im sure she has some issues with your looks too. If you ask me you do not really love her because if you love someone you love them no matter what they look like. If you loved her you would accept her, not try to change her, and love every curve of her body. You are what is wrong with men these days. In my opinion you should leave your girlfriend because she is too good for you. She deserves someone that loves her no matter what and makes her feel beautiful. Iam a big woman myself and I know if my man was doing what you are I would get rid of him quick. Did you ever consider her feelings? So dump your girfriend for some supermodel looking girl and have a happy life. Its not fair to her
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Are you a perfectionist?
Is your expectations of her is too high?
Do you judge her?
If you use the same standards to judge her , then you need the same standards to judge your self.
We should accept our partner whatever size they come in. It is cruel to force another to be what she is not .
Do you love physical beauty or the beauty that flows out of the abundance from the heart?
Please look into the mirror and see who you are before you want to criticize others.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): What is wrong with you!! It seems the only problem you have with this woman is her weight - and I'm guessing she was that weight when you met her so why is it only a factor now? Why do you now need to suddenly begin controlling her appearance?
Maybe you need to be alone for awhile, but I also suggest you do get some counselling. If you have found this woman who is wonderful in every sense of the word and still have this resentment towards her then evidently you are not coping with past issues.
...............................
|
