A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has suffered from depression off and on for some years but over the last year it has got worse to the point where he wants to be alone all the time and says he is not sure he loves me any more and wants to get a flat on his own. Can depression make a spouse stop caring for their family? is it the depression causing this? We have had our arguments at times but have always been so close. I have suggested therapy but he refuses. He is very snappy and intolerant of everyone. His father was like this also and it got worse as his father got older. Does anyone have any comments that might help? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years has developed depression.
just a month ago he was speaking to his parents about us getting marrried. we went shopping for a ring together and had planned to move in together this summer. i was so happy.
i had noticed he was often tired and stressed but was not aware it was depression until he acknowledged this recently.
now our future is on hold and has said, " lately i havent enjoyed being around you. i dont know if this is the depression or if i dont love you anymore".
we are taking each day at a time. its not his fault that he is depressed. he is very confused about several things.
tonight he said he knows that he is happy with me and holding my hand but he still doesnt know if he loves me.
we are still in a relationship and i am supporting him as best i can. he doesnt want to make any life changing decisions whilst he is in this frame of mind. i dont know how long it will take. he has said he cant guarantee he will love me when he comes out of the depression. i have chosen to take each day at a time, i love him. and we have always been so close, its breaking my heart to see him sufferring.
i dont know if my story helps you or if it is irrelevant. but i hope that you find peace in knowing that you are not the only person going through this. and ever the optimist im sure that there are others out there who have been in our position and have come out out of it still happily together. im learning that its all about how much work im going to put in to make it work, it wont happen by itself.
ps something that i have said which i think made us feel closer, which might help you, is " we're a team, im on your side" im also starting councilling to help me to inform and support myself so that im the best person i can be to support him.
hope this helps although its not quite an answer
A
female
reader, notluckeinluv  +, writes (27 February 2008):
hi, i can tell you as a person who has severe anxiety and depression, my husband tells me the same thing, i am very mean and hateful. it is out of my control. its like i cant stand any mess ups from anyone, everything has to be in order,and everything that everyone does just really makes me boil, i am better when i am on my medicine, for your family sake, and for his. he will feel better, go see someone, i know it is hard for men,. they think they need to be strong, maybe he thinks that it is not a "man" issue. just try meds, it can only help.. i am having the same problem right now, my husband says things have to change i have to treat him better, but how, without medicine.. only you know your husband, but tell him that what he is feeling has nothing to do with how his family is, its his brain, it makes you feel things and there is help.. i dont know if i made any sense, it is a very emotional subject and hard to talk about.. the very best of luck to you.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): You may have to let him go before he will come back. I have a friend who went through what you are and she bought a book called "Love Must Be Tough" which you can buy on line. It explains what to do in your kind of situation and is very empowering. It is not cheesy or preechy. If someone wants to leave you can't stop them and the more you try the worse they want to go. This book will help you be firm by encouraging you to consider yourself as very important in this situation and worthy of your own efforts which you need to use to protect yourself. His depression is nothing to do with you and you can not influence it or force him to get help. You need to turn your concern into concern for yourself because the only influence you have is over your own feelings and your own life. He is on a journey of self discovery and it is not your role to make him see the light. In fact you are the last person. All you can do it let him know you love him, but get strong for yourself and do not tolerate behaviour which drains you and has a negative impact on your life for too long. If you can get the guts together to do this you have a greater chance of saving your relationship. Do buy the book and get some power back. Very best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):
Are you sure it's not family life that's causing his depression? If he's middle-aged, there's every chance he's having a mid-life crisis, which is...perceiving his life as having passed by without him getting what he expected. One thing I notice about a lot of middle-aged women is that they often turn into their mother. They lose their spontaneity, their sense of humour, etc. They get a short haircut, will often allow themselves to gain a lot of weight, and start wearing 'square' clothes. In short , they become a bore, and yet expect their partner to still be in love and all cheery about life. Men can be just as guilty of it as women, though I feel women do it more often. Ask him if this is how he perceives you, and if he say's no, but isn't looking you in the eye when he says it, take it as a yes, and take action!
Or, he may need medical attention, but if he's never suffered depression before this, it's unlikely that's the cause of his moodiness and withdrawal.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Try to get along with him as best as you can and try not to argue or do anything that can make him depress..Pray for him.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 February 2008):
 He needs therapy. It's not going to assist as a cure, but he may need to be put on an emotional stabalizer. Now, it seems as if he may have depression, but I believe he may have anxiety as well.
If this is a biological imbalance, and progressive (all though slow) he'll need treatment or it will continue to get worse. Think about it as a common cold. If you could be born with it. If a cold's not taken care of and the virus grows, it continues changing until Pneumonia
sets in.
The only suggestion I have is getting him to a doctor. He really needs a proper diagnosis. This could be simple or complex, and there's not telling without a full assessment.
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A
male
reader, Kawika +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Depression can be very traumatic situation. It is like a black cloud just follows you where ever you go. Your heart is so heavy that nothing excites you anymore whether it be family, friends, or special hobbies. It isolates them from the world they live in. They live in constant despair. I have recovered from my ordeal mentally, but to some medication along with therapy can help. I am not a doctor of any sort, but I heard that depression or bipolar disorder are a result of chemical imbalances in the brain that may make a person depressed or extremely irritable. In such cases, I've seen medication do wonders in a majority of people. At least it helps them function to live again. However, I believe therapy should be added to get to the core of the problem. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, LoveMyadvice +, writes (13 February 2008):
First of all, when did all of this come about? When did he tell you that he wanted to leave and didn't know anymore if he wasn't in love with you? What does he do during the day? Where does he go? Depression is caused by feelings of despondency, powerlessness, and hopelessness. I have been a depressed person most of my life. This is something that at times can be hard to cope with your family. BUT - not to the point that you want to leave and never see them again. This doesn't make sense to me that he is depressed and because of this questions his love for his wife. How about his behavior with strangers, or when out in a social setting? Is there anything that get's him in a good mood? How are you coping with all of this? Don't blame yourself, if he doesn't want to seek proffesional help, my advice to you is go yourself. See what he says, make a diary of everything that goes on and his behavior, and mood swings. Be strong and dont' give up. Most important - don't tolerate abuse. Depression is no excuse to abuse someone.
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