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female
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anonymous
writes: 29 yrs old lady , having 3 yrs old baby boy.my husband is of 35 .We got married 5 yrs back .but having conflicts from very beginning.I don't know , that how I explain it.We belong to a Sub-continent family , having so many ethical n religious n social obligations.My husband never ever tried to understand my problem.he doesn't want to have any kind of relation with neither my parents ,sibs nor with his own relatives except his parents n brothers.but for me so many obligations.respect n serve his parenst n family as much as they demand.as well, he wants me to serve him , do all home chores(duties+works ) alone.he only has duty to do shopping n earn money. our social live is alomst 0%.I want to have a healthy life, a healthy relation.I many times ,try to explain him what I want from him , what I expect from him , but may be saying again n again , now it is useless to say anythign to him, he has a great anger , so suddenly loses his temprament.suddenly gets tense.we r living a mobile life...I want to get settle some where....My life is totally now , live in two rooms flat with my son. watch tv , sit before computer n household works thats all.I don't have any outting, any social life , any activity...etcI want to have a healthy successful life but don't know how.he doesn't like me to talk about my parents or any relatives, we often had fights , so at last , I totally cut my family from him.I feel sad , really sads for this , but he doesn't bother it.I try my best to serve him, to obey him as well his parents n brothers. I feel that bec. of all this , he accept me as a wife but he doesn't love me as I want. he doesn't care about my wishes n desires.he also very much hyper in sex ..but i don't.but I try my best to satisfy him on his level in sex...but he is still not satisfied.he told me many times, that he wants to have a love marriage , but our marriage is an arranged one by parents...I feel that in earlier years , he didn't accept me but now just bec. of my services n attensions...but just as a wife..If i say that I want to buy this thing or that thing , he only allows me if he wants ...otherwise, gets angry n says NO , no need of this in our home.he was very much abusive in beginning, many times, he hit me...I feel that he took me as a weak gender...but as time is passing..I am trying to get strong ...before I use to cry alot..but now...I try to show him that I am strong, I stop his hand , when he tries to hit me...our son , now starts observing...I also feel that he takes interest in other women...n openly discusses about them with me...without thinking ,what I am feeling..I feel ensecure...when i felt that useless to talk to him, i involved his parents to some extend ..but they r such people , who think Men r always right..I am very much depressed , tense , frustrated....my health is going down day by day ,can't sleep ,when start thinking , I feel that my heart will stop beating...my brain will brust out....I love him alot , I love my family..i want to share my all problems with him ..I want to share my feelings with him.I want that he understand me...but don't know how...He cares about our ( me n our son) health n physical problems like medical , food ...but not mental demands..I want that he will give quality time to me n our son.he play with our son..he needs his attension...I feel that our son is getting attached with me very much then his father ...what should i do...?plz plz...may be u understand my problems...plz, guide me , what should I do............I can't discuss these things with my sick parents , they'll die...I don't have true friend to discuss with ...i feel helpless..plz...help me
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2006): I can understand what you are going through. I can see the suggestions given above but most of them are asking her to come out of the marriage or make her husband miss her. I really don't think that this woman wants to screw her marriage and I completely understand her bcaz of her subconinent origin. She needs a lot of courage to come out of marriage. Moreover she doesn't have her parents support and I know what kind off music she needs to listen if she comes out marriage.There is even a possibility that her parents may emotionally blackmail her about their pride and prestige to make her stay in the marriage.
If she was in subcontinent atleast she would have been in a community where she has friends but here in a diff country and being mobile she can't even have friends.
You need to find courage with in yourself to face this.One you gain that courage you will automatically do what is supposed to be done. I am sure you know what you need to do but don't seem to have courgae to go against the marriage. I am sure you can stand on your own raise your kid on your own. So think hard and take a good decision
A
female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (31 August 2006):
 Oh hunny, I feel for you. That is no way for you to live your life, or for your kids to live theirs. I think personally no matter how hard it will be, get a difforce!!!! He is never going to change, He is still living in the past when women had no say at all. Get out hunny and find a good decent life for you and your children. Spend time with your parents as they will not be around forever. Find a hobbie, join a club and make some new friends. If your husband wont let you go, be strong stand up to him and if he becomes violent, call the police and get some protection. He doesn't love you. He just likes being in control. Take care hunny and if you ever feel like you need someone to chat with just send me a private message and I will talk with you. Take care hunny
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A
male
reader, rckfrm +, writes (31 August 2006):
Your husband is not happy either. It is neither your, or his fault. He doesn't know any better than to take you for granted. Most people don't miss something unless it is gone or misplaced. Do you want your son, when he grows up, to treat women the same as your husband treats you?
Disappear for a week with your son. Don't go straight back. Make him go to you to a place that he can't abuse you, like with your family or close to a police station, to talk. If you are sure he won't abuse you and he values you, return home. It may take several visits over quite a while.
This may be bad advice. It depends on how unhappy you really are and how much worse things could be.
The trick is for EACH of you to begin to understand the other. What you need to learn about him is: 1)he is unhappy, 2)ignorant and oblivious to the fact that you are a wonderfull person, wife, and love, 3)scared of change 4)trying to be the best he knows how to be.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (31 August 2006):
 Hello Anon,
To be blunt, you are being abused on so many levels and you need to seek help and get away from your oppresive husband. There are help lines with people who you can talk to about what is going on in your life. Here are some that I've found when I did an internet search:
Refuge: For Women and Children Against Domestic Violence
This place has a 24 hour hotline you can call and they have culturally specific refuges where you can stay as long as you need to)
http://www.refuge.org.uk/homepage.html
Karma Nirvana: Shelter and Support Group for Women in Forced Marriages
(Below is an article about the place, you should be able to look it up in the phone book)
http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2006-04-19-forced-marriage_x.htm
And below is a link that gives all sorts of information on where you can turn for help (phone lines, organizations, shelters, etc.)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/crime/support/domesticviolence.shtml
Once you look at these sites, you should erase your internet history incase your family tries to see what internet sites you've visited. To do this, go to "Tools" in the top of the internet widow toolbar. Click on "Internet Options." In this window click these three items to get rid of your files: "Delete Cookies," "Delete Files," "Clear History."
Please contact someone and try to figure out what you can do to escape from that unhealthy environment you are living in.
I had a friend in a Forced Marriage and I was trying to help her. Her family found out and they forced her to stop all communication with me and pulled her out of school. I haven't seen her in over 2 years. There was nothing that I could do because she felt she deserved to live like that from trying to go against her culture. You seem stronger. Please get help!!
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