A
male
age
30-35,
*OTC
writes:Hi, umm..this is a little tricky to start cos I've never used one of these before.I suppose I'll start with some background? When I was younger, my dad used to abuse me a lot. I mean both just being violent and sexually. It's made me feel really low, like all the time, and like there's nothing to me than to just be used as a sextoy. My grandparents were great (they lived with us), and they knew about the violent side of it and used to shout at my dad for it which'd redirect his attention to them and get me off the hook for a while. Anyway, this all carried on for quite a while, till I was 13 and I got quite used to it and didn't think much of it anymore. But then my grandparents passed away and he stopped being violent or physical towards me..till recently anyway, but he was drunk at the time so I've forgiven him. He still hurt me a lot verbally by constantly telling me how useless and selfish I was, and to be fair he did have a lot of examples to back it up with.But that's just the history..I suppose there's a few problems I want help finding a solution to so I'll start with whatever comes to mind first, I guess.A couple of years ago, I met a really awesome girl, who turned out to have had a violent childhood as well, and for the first time I opened up to someone..but at the same time I had a crush on her, and she had a b/f at the time so although I told her about the crush, we just stayed bestfriends (really really really close bestfriends). We'd chat all the time and miss each other if we hadnt talked for half a day and all the rest of it..and she's a psychologist and started helping me through my pain as well. But..then she broke up with her old b/f and starting going out with someone else, and her new boyfriend is the only person I've ever considered to be someone I've actually hated since over 2 years before they started going out and I'd told her beforehand as well. I suppose the other problem is, that at the time I was still in love with her as well, which made it all the more painful. But I never openly told her about any of the pain she'd caused me, though I doubt I did a good job hiding it. They've been going out for over a year now and all the affection we had for each other (brotherly-sisterly affection that we had) has just evaporated. Whenever her new b/f came online she'd just forget I was there,etc. And now she hates me for closing off to her because I used to tell her about all the pain I went through but now that it's all caused by her, I dont want to tell her about it. And she's closed off to me completely as well. I try to strike up energetic conversations sometimes but they just die again and I'm getting tired of trying so hard..but I dont know what to do. Or what im doing wrong. I used to be really happy and hyper to conceal my sadness and now Im not anymore, but i find it really hard to go back to that so I dont know how to make her like me again.I know there were a number of times when I couldve responded better when she was down, or times when I couldve shown my affection to her better, but that sortof stuff really scares me. showing people how much they mean to me scares the hell out of me, just accepting that they mean something takes a lot from me.The other problem is really a very distant topic from that one but it's to do with my grandma (my last grandparent), to cut another long story short, she's been very ill recently, is living by herself and her sons wont take her in and my parents (it's my mum's mum) cant right now because of our expenses. So she keeps pouring her heart out to me, as does my mum about the whole situation and while i dont mind trying to help or just listening, I suffer from really rather severe depression and it's really not what I need cos i've been feeling so low for over a year now (since my 'bestfriend' got her crush on her new b/f). But it's really harsh to just tell them to take their woes elsewhere, I dont think I have it in me to tell them, so i dont know what to do. Also, my parents believe depression isnt a real illness and so I dont talk about it with them, though I dont really talk about any problems with them.And the last problem I have is with my self-esteem...I never realised how low it was until my friend opened my eyes to it (which is really all she did..pointed out how much I suffered and then left without helping me through the recently unsuppressed pain). Hell, I feel SO selfish just writing this..and writing so much as well! You'd never believe how bad I feel about it..but i just think I need a bit of help now so I can start concentrating on others again. I know I'm not worth anything because if I was, someone somewhere in my life wouldve treated me like I was, so i basically live my life as a sacrifice for others but hell, I'm even failing at that now! I'm getting worse and worse at making other people happy.I some other things I want to talk about but I'm feeling far too selfish to continue now so maybe i'll created another question if i ever feel brave enough..and i'm so sorry for being so ranty and asking so much in one go.On a side note, I've tried counselling and it FAILED epically, the counsellor was USELESS and it's put me off that sort of stuff really quite a lot. (i've tried 2 different counsellors) And my friend's started treating me more as a patient and without any emotions from her whatsoever when i talk to her about my problems, even the one time i told her a few of the ways she'd her me, and doesnt really say anything but just tries to get me to talk about it and make me think about how i feel...which just puts me off talking about anything altogether. so the professional side doesnt really help at all.anyway! i'll, umm..stop here then. sorry for writing so much.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, HOTC +, writes (20 January 2009):
HOTC is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey everyone. Thank you all SO much for replying, it means so much to me, you have no idea.
I've already told her everything about how i feel..and she just said ok and ignored it all.
I never feel like I'm doing the right thing, showing my anger so..I dont. I just sit there until it eventually subsides.
Honestly, only after rereading what I read, did I realise that it was the girl who was the biggest thing on my mind..I thought it was always my dad.
As much as it all hurt, none of it was really a problem until it stopped me being able to make others happy as much.
But thank you so much! You've already helped me loads just by the advice you've given and what you've said. You have no idea what it means to me, I was always worried that maybe what I was going through wasn't that bad and worth bothering people about but you make it sound like it is. Thank you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): I cant even begin to relate to what being abused must be like and i really do feel for you mate seriously, so much so in fact i decided to write a reply instead of a question on here for once. I can however relate to depression and living life as a sacrifice for others. When I was about your age (im 23 now), I too lived my life as a sacrifice for others, especially my girlfriend at the time who, put simply I was obsessed with, even when she did things that broke my heart, like cheat on me I would always forgive her. I too became worried that if I expressed what I wanted in regards to everything I would be selfish. This subsequently led to depression.
I don't think like this anymore because someone helped me realise that sometimes looking after your own needs is just as important as helping others. Otherwise where will happiness come from? and ultimately i believe this is the whole reason for living. I learned it is okay to be angry at others for things they have done or are doing, its okay to put your needs before other peoples sometimes, because at the end of the day the only person who will be with you always is yourself.
If i sound insensitive I'm sorry I dont mean to be, I just want to help you like my friend did for me not so long ago. Of course you are worth something, I can tell from your post you are a great, kind bloke and there should be more people like you out there.
The simple truth of the matter is, it will take some hard work and probably a couple of years but I hope you will feel better. I would suggest maybe trying a different psychiatrist to work through the abuse you suffered, but from a self esteem and confidence point of view, you need to start reading books and even the internet to find techniques and truthes to help you help yourself.
As far as the girl goes, tell her how you feel, even if you feel you have to skip the part about being in love with her,she sounds important to you and you should try and rekindle your friendship, just make sure she really does mean alot to you and you are not just obsessed with her because she showed you some kindness (like i did).
Basically mate, I wish you all the best and remember that anger is natural its a form of release just like laughter, so if things feel like they're building up inside of you and you cant laugh then get angry, i garuntee you'lkl feel better. Stay true to yourself and ask yourself what you really want, because you can be any person you want to be, it just takes some work! Might have beaten you for length of post :)
- Kieran
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): to start off with i know how it feels to get raped my step dad raped me since i was 9yrs old and it stopped when i was 12 1/2-13. and about this girl if she cant realize the way you feel about her then you honestly need to tell her and make her realize or just forgive and forget. depression ive been there ive been diagnosed with anxiety and abandonment disorder. yeah so believe me when i say i know how depression feels. you need to stop apologinzin 1st of all. and if no1 can help you except your self dont count on others and if your friends or parents think that depression isnt an illness there wrong. i know how you feel about the theropist thing because i went through the same thing i know they dont help why are they even there. you need to get out and have fun your young well not as young as me but thats beside the point you need to get out and knock your shoes off if you want to talk about anything feel free to write me id love to talk because i know how it feels to bottle everything inside and one day just explode because thats what i do i hold everything inside and sometimes all you need is that one person to listen.
so write me whenever please.
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A
female
reader, Ask JenniHearts  +, writes (19 January 2009):
 Don't be sorry for anything first of all... none of this is your fault. your not being selfish by telling people. your doing the right thing don't ever put yourself down. thats the last thing you need to do right now! you sound like a good guy and the fact that you didn;t take up your dads abusive qualities are a great sign. sometimes life doesn't go your way with girls or the people who you get in your family. but theres always others. like you are in love wth this gal... well there are other fish in the sea and the fact that you two have the same past ... keep friends. you need to find some one who cann love you for you and help you get threw the past. there is some one special for everyone in this world.
you are no exeption
hpe this helps
jenni hearts
(i;ve been there i can help just e-mail me if your feeling down or just want to talk... im here)
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