A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 16, gay, but havent told anyone..I recently started to get real close with my friend, he is also my age, we go to the same college, we actually havent been friends for that long, only about 3 months, but we actually became like best friends really quickly, just because we are so similar..About a month ago..he slept at my house, we had to sleep in the same bed, one thing led to another...we kissed...I told him I'm gay and i was so sorry i let that happen...he seemed surprisingly ok about it...afew days later it happened again...he then reveaveled he is actually bi..So we've sorta been together since, secretly..The problem is....he has a girlfriend, who he loves and has been with for nearly 6 months.He says the reason he didnt tell me he had some feelings for me the first time we kissed was because he was scared if he did, we would get involved and hed have to make a choice between me and her. I told him that i didnt and would never feel it in my place to ask him to make the choice - as she was there first.It was all fun and exciting to begin with..obviously with me not telling people and clearly having never been in a relationship with a guy, this has all been amazing. He truly is the perfect guy for me on so many levels. The thing is, we arent just messing around, i have developed truly deep feelings for him, and i know he has real feelings for me too, he says he sees me as a complitly separate relationship and his not gonna let his feelings for her get in the way of us - because i keep telling him how bad i feel towards her.And now im so scared because i think im falling in love with him, and in a way i know he is feeling the same too, i mean he spends more time with me than with her, we are in constant contact through MSN, text, phone etc. To the world we are just two guys who are best friends..Now, i know many of you will read this and probably look down on me and judge me or the situation, but please believe me when i say i truly do not mean to harm her...and i really aren't in the business of hurting people, and i really do not want to get in the way of their relationship, i've never agreed with cheating...but this just sort happened, and now i cant stop it, all I do is think about him and i really think im falling for him.Please dont see this as a dirty affair, just understand we have real feelings and this isnt a joke.Im just scared. Scared for how fast my feelings have grown, i just feel eventually he will choose to be with her, which he has every right to. I just cant believe i let myself get to this point. I couldnt bare the thought of loosing him right now...but i cant bare thinking about him being with her, being as loving and affectionate as he is with me, i just cant stand the thought of it.If youve bothered to read this far along..please leave your comments, id really appreaciate it.Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, trigtrigboom +, writes (18 October 2009):
 I do feel for you as I was in exactly the same postion with a boy when I was 16. I eventually walked away as it was hurting me and his relationship broke up with her shortly after, i think it was like a love triangle and once one part broke the whole thing did. No one can tell you what to do, you have to decide that for yourself. I do think honesty is the best policy though and tell him tactfully and without expectation what you feel about him and his other relationship. He might be waiting for a green light to end things with her, the trouble is having a girlfriend means he is not gay, dumping her could call that into question in his own mind and may be something he wants to avoid. It is a complicated situation for you both. I have heard that your first relationship sets a pattern so many times but do not think this is true. Every person you meet and have relationships with are unique and the trick is to learn to become open and ready for a relationship that is equal, honest and loving. Love can teach us so much about ourselves and other people but sometimes it is not easy.good luck x
A
male
reader, nixt +, writes (24 May 2008):
I suggest you tell him to end it with her for you, or you will end it. plenty more fish in sea, chillax, you can't be bad if you got a streyt sorta (well bi) guy!
Your in control since your this worried
so just be confident
good luck chuck
from nick xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): I'm in like the exact same position as you.
Apart from its been going on for a while.
It started in primary school, just boys experimenting, then when we was 13, we got back close and it went to jacking off with each other to oral and anal.
Now, i see him every friday and we have it fully.
And we both enjoy it, he's stopped mine when there was no-one at home, and just had sex and watched porn all night.
It was ace.
Just letting you know, i'm always here to talk cos we are in the kinda same boat.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (8 April 2008):
 he is playing with you like a toy and i suggest you ask him to end it with her and see what he says. you clearly think that you have no right to be with him-either you fight for what you want or end it but playing around in gay limbo with your already low self esteem will crap on you in the long term (all the current negativity will swell like a rotten bin bag of fruit on a hot summers day) and could cause you to fall into a repeat of this pattern in future relationships.
girls who become the other woman often find that this happens again and again, for obvious reasons, and as a gay you dont want to set a bad start for your future relationships as they are more effort to come by. our first real relationship forms a template that we will fall into next time unless we do something to actively change things.
if he likes you as much as you say he appears to then put him under pressure in a nice way. if there is no change to things within two weeks it will likely never happen, and it will be obvious if he is humoring you, just to enjoy to the feel of a variety of orifical domains. to continue this will drag your feelings deeper into things and you will only be more hurt if it all falls down like a big sand castle when the tide comes in.
you have nothing to lose, go on my son!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeh i totally understand what you're saying, and that is what i keep telling him - it is still cheating, which like i said, i've never agreed with.
And i do tell him pretty much everything, whenever i get any doubts at all i will tell him, we are really honest with each other. The only thing i cant really bring my self to tell him is this, i mean to begin with i wasnt lying when i said it didnt bother me that he had her..it really didnt (apart from feeling guilty) but i didnt feel hurt by it, i just realised i am now..
Im just scared that if i do tell him he'll end either relationship, like i said, i dont want to be the one to break them up, so id just feel awful if i knew he dumped her because of me, it would just feel like i sort of took him away from her, which i think is quite wrong in any situation, but at the same time, i really dont want to end it between us.
He is just too nice, and i know for a fact if i tell him how i feel about their relationship he will definately do something about it..but like i've said, whatever he does i wont like it (dont want him to break up with her because of me, and dont want US to end)
The only other thing i havent mentioned i supose is... though he loves her, their relationship is going kind of rocky atm, they're not arguing or anything, but he just feels like she takes him for granted and just wants him for the sake of having a boyfriend. As much as i hate to admit it - i know he really loves her, so if they end he will be really hurt.
Again thanks for replying - I really appreaciate it, feel free to say something again if you can.
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (5 April 2008):
I may be old fashioned but Bisexual or not this is still cheating. Being bisexual does not give him the right to use both you and her for sex and mess with BOTH your feelings. It is not a good situation for either of you. I understand you dont want to hurt her, but the likelihood is your both going to get hurt in the process. I would take a step back. Yes she was there first and you dont want to make him choose, but this is unfair on both parties. There is plenty of guys out there without this baggage... and trust me although it may seem it now that he is the only one for you you are only 16 there are many to come.
I would seriously take him to one side and explain to him how you feel truthfully rather than pretending you are fine with the whole situation, as it will get you nowhere but resentment for them both ( and she really doesnt deserve it) and judge his reaction. If he is not willing to come clean and end the relationship with her he is NOT worth the hassle he is potentially going to put you through.
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