A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I hope this question doesn't come across as pathetic, as it is a genuine problem.I have a phobia of talking on phones, i've done a little research and have come across other people who have the same fear. I'm okay with talking to some of my close friends and my parents over phone, but with anyone else I become nervous and lost for words. Consequently, I miss calls on my mobile purposely but the most difficult thing is ringing others - I will do anything I can to avoid doing so. Now this phobia is having an effect on my love life. I went on a date with a nice man about 2 weeks ago, he is such a gentleman and have grown very fond of him over the 7 months we've known each other. Our normal form of contact is over Facebook, but he has unfortunately been banned as a result of a friend hacking into his account and adding inappropriate content. Now the only other way I can contact him is via phone, texting is always an option but he is the type of person who if you text him, he will ring you back rather than text. I also feel guilty because he has rang me on a couple of occasions but i haven't answered, instead I just text back later saying 'i'm sorry for missing your call... etc' I really want to arrange another date with him, he is truly the most amazing man I have ever met! I've already told him about my 'issue' but i got the feeling he wasn't convinced and thought i was making excuses.I really need to get over this problem, because it will cause me problems in the future. Has anyone been through the same experience or have any techniques I could try?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): omg sames !!! i thought i was just a freak! i find it really hard n the way overcame it was to talk to my best friend and boyfriend n after a while it came naturally but ive gone back to being scared now
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Is it the fear of awkward silences that gets you with phone calls? I always had a fear of talking to people on the phone and I finally realised it was because there's no way of filling silences - in person you can both be looking at something (each other for example) or using facial expressions, but on the phone there's nothing, no visual inspiration for starting conversations.
I think it's easier to answer the phone than to actually make a call, so I suggest write down a few possible things you can say, no matter how simple and straightforward they are, and keep it next to your phone for when he calls you. Try answering his call next time and say "it's great to hear from you. I'm actually just rushing out so I can't talk long, but are you free soon to meet up again?" Then all you have to do in this conversation with him is arrange a time, so there's much less pressure than usual. And as you meet up with him a few times, it should get easier to talk to him on the phone, since you don't have a problem with close friends and family. Also, before you try answering his call, I think you should try practicing - make a few calls to department stores and ask if they've got a particular product, like some DVD, in stock. It will really help you and actually making some calls will make answering one easier. You'll still get nervous when he calls (everyone does when it's a guy they like!) but it should help. Just say "hi, I was wondering if you've got any copies of ___ in stock?" And if you stuff it up or stumble over your words, it doesn't matter because you're anonymous, just do it a few more times and it'll get better :)
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 I think your problem is going to become more and more common. Texting and email have been replacing real communication. Interestingly I know people in their 60s who don't like to use the phone. in their memories phones were not very secure and sound quality was poor. there was no record. so serious (business communication was done via letters. Now the problem is the opposite. Texting allows us to hide behind a barrier so we can disguise our emotions. It also gives us a few seconds to think about what we are saying. Based on your letter I think your fear of the phone is based on a fear of intimacy. You have become accustomed to the barrier in texting. You could say that the only people you have an intimate relationship with are the ones you can phone.
Overcoming fears is done by taking small steps trying things that are just a little uncomfortable. Also preparing helps. Make a date for a limited phone call. a limited time and topics you can talk about. Make sure he doesn't hang up if you freeze up. You may want to practice the call with a family member first. I take it you have only dated him once? Was that also awkward? Any way back to the phone dates. do several. Add time to them. Talk about more personal things each time. For example the first time you might only talk about the weather. The next time news. Then a movie or book. Then Family. Then maybe yourself, your emotions. This level of communication is necessary for a relationship.
Setting up and having a phone date will help you but it will also convince him how serious your fear is. You may want to get help from a professional too.
FA
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A
female
reader, visione +, writes (2 February 2010):
 I have the same problem as you, I hate calling people and I hate picking up my phone, it actually is constantly on silent. If I am forced to have a phone conversation, I try to make it short as possible. I don't even like picking up calls from people close to me! Strange thing is, I do not mind talking into a microphone on a program like Skype.Unfortunately I have not found a way around this. Most people who know me put up with this one way or the other, or find other methods to communicate with me (IM, skype/ventrilo, face to face, etc). You can either try to pinpoint why you do not like phones (associated with something negative? why do you feel anxious?) and work around that or he will have to adapt. And yes, please do try to pick up some of his calls - it can't be that bad, you might not mind talking to him as much as you think. But take it in small steps, start with a conversation length you are comfortable with and work up.
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A
female
reader, jodaii +, writes (2 February 2010):
Hey :) I just want to point something out, phobia of talking on phones is actually pretty common, especially in todays society, so you are not alone! I have a fear of talking on phones, generally if its an important call then I get my mates to take it for me, I know this isn't suitable for you though. I'd recommend just talking to him again, in person, telling him more about it, maybe show him this page. Also, you said you talked on facebook but now cant, well how about using a myspace or just email eachother?? Works for me :) Good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Tell him again about your issue with the phone thing. He probably didnt understand you were serious, or forgets about it all the time because, well, you have a rare phobia.
There's one thing I am curious about though? He got banned from facebook? Because of a "friend" who hacked him? You might want to consider that a red flag. Either he is lying to you about who really posted inappropriate content there, or he has some very bad friends who should be avoided rather than be called friends...
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