A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,So this is a little bit long, but I think some back ground info is neccessary for the question:I've been dating my current boyfriend for over a year, and we live together. We get along great... never fight or anything, and I love him a lot. The whole time we've been dating, I've never even been attracted to anyone else since we started dating. But the weirdest thing happened last week...I was sitting in a bar, waiting for my friend to get off work. There was a really good looking guy (we'll call him John) sitting next to me, talking to another guy. I was all alone, so I couldn't help but over hear some of their conversation. They were talking about a some pretty underground music that most people don't know about. John was kinda "interviewing" the other guy for a band he was in. Coincidently, my younger brother was in a band that played the same kind of music up until about a month ago and was looking for another. What are the chances?? I'm not the kind of person that talks to strangers, but I kept thinking if I didn't talk to this guy I was going to regret it later. So I worked up the courage to ask if they needed another member. Turns out they did. So I told them about my brother, and we ended up talking for a while. They said they had another "interview" to do at a restaurant and they invited me to go along. I told them I'd think about it, because I was still waiting for that friend to get off work. John gave me his number and told me to get ahold of him if I wanted to meet up. After I had a drink with my friend, I decided to go meet up with those guys. I figured we hit it off really well, and there was no harm in making new friends.... right?So I go, and hang out with all these people (there were more there when i arrived) and I had a really good time. I couldn't help but regress to a giddy school girl around John. I found myself really attracted to him. He's the kind of guy I've always been attracted to, but never dated. (I'm attracted to my boyfriend, but he doesn't have the same "personality" that I'm usually attracted to).Anyway, at the end of the evening, I made a comment that made it clear I had a boyfriend.When I got home, I sent John a text message that said it was nice meeting him, and I would give my brother his number. He sent a text back saying "it was nice meeting you too. I gotta admit, I was disappointed to hear you had a boyfriend" and my heart kinda sank.I'm feeling really confused because I do love my boyfriend... but I can't stop thinking about this other guy. The chance meeting was so serendipitous, and I haven't been that attracted to anyone in a long time. Is it normal to second guess your relationship, even if you really love the person?John invited me to get together with him, and I've been wrestling with doing it or not. I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend, but I don't want to give myself the opportunity... but I don't want to miss out knowing him and regretting it later. See? I just keep going in circles. I know the textbook advice would probably be to just not contact him again, but...If anyone can give me some practical advice, I'd really appreciate it. I feel like I'm going crazy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Hi,
I am going trough the same situation. I have a live in boyfriend for 5 years. We do everything together, I still find him attractive and I see a future with him. However I met a guy who is younger than me at school. We meet a couple of semesters ago and we along with other class mates always get together after the end of every semester. We flirt badly and I have mention to him that I have a boyfriend. He continues to flirt with me; I once told him that I wish we could have met under different circumstances. But I still chat with him and check him out on facebook. I keep thinking about him but I know that I will loose everything I have now for something that might not work out. At this point in my life (29 yrs old) I feel that I need to start getting serious about this and stop jumping off from one thing or relationship to another.
I would kill my boyfriend he did that to me and at the end of the day this new guy would do the same thing to me if I chose him. I mean is like a girl hitting on a guy who is taken and she knows he is taken or married. It’s disrespectful to you and if it’s this guy is disrespectful to him (your bf).
Another thing to consider is your age. How old are you? Younger than 25, if yes then do as you please, this is the time for your life’s adventures. If not start thinking about the future, like people say the first thing is physical attraction then personality. For women is tougher as we get older.
I hope this helps you. I think I just answer my own question too.
A
female
reader, FallenAngel19 +, writes (15 January 2010):
i think if it was my boyfriend in that position i wouldn't want him to keep me close to him while he wanted to see if there was someone that he wanted more and if not then he would keep me until he found someone else. if you are not attracted to your boyfriend and dont want to be with him more than anyone else then let him go before you get in too deep
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): I totally understand where you are coming from. And I don't want to be the downer here but I'm going to ask an honest question.
Does your boyfriend love you?
If yes, what if he met a girl he was really attracted too and she was teasing him the way this guy is teasing you? Would you be ok with him going? Would it hurt you to know he was even thinking about it?
Love is primarily a basic instinct. Based initially on attraction, then compatibility, among other things. But what truly makes love long lasting and real is understanding that the fantasy and excitment of something new; most of the time doesn't turn out as well as we imagine.
In other words, what would you tell him if the situation was reversed.
A big part of true love, even down the road marriage is having the willpower to see something you really like; but to know it will only cause problems for the one you love if you do it. Are you ok with risking to hurt your current boyfriend?
If your answer is yes, then I'm sorry to say you didn't love him as much as you thought you did.
I guess you know my opinion now. Don't do it.
I have been in your boyfriends place. My girl went through the same thing as you. Met up with a new friend, had an attraction to him (even though she won't admit it), and ended up making out with the guy.
I eventually forgave her but we went through hell and are barely getting back on track. 6 months.
The only reason I forgave her is because she came crying to me that same night. Telling me what happened cuz it turns out the guy wanted to sleep with her. I only forgave her because I know 100% she didn't. If there was a shred of doubt in my mind we would be over.
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A
female
reader, confusedlady182  +, writes (15 January 2010):
It is more a question like how much do you love your boyfriend. Sometimes after a long time even the sexiest guys or whatever lose their spark in a relationship so it's more a case of can you see yourself being without your boyfriend?
It seems like you were just attracted, you don't know where anything with this guy would go. If your relationship is one you can see going the distance then don't do it, if there are niggling doubts that there is not a long term relationship with your guy then be honest and then maybe see how it goes.
You may regret it the other way around too, if you go for it and it turns out the guy just wants sex, isn't that great after all.
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