A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been thinking about splitting up with my boyfriend but just can't seem to leave him. We've been together 3 years and have a 1 year old. We moved out in the last few weeks and argue all the time. He never wants sex and I want sex whenever we can. Obviously I wouldn't keep asking but when he's rejecting majority of the time and only having sex or asking for something else for him when he feels like it is unfair. I get really upset and feel really unattractive and he knows how much it bothers me. It probably doesn't help that he never says anything nice to me. He will insult me by saying I have a horrible nose when really there isn't anything wrong with it! He can't even seem to say I look nice or my hair looks nice or anything. I don't want compliments all the time but every so often a compliment would be nice. He never wants to go out as a family so really it's just me and our son that go out for walks or shopping and going out with my friends and their children. I don't get any help looking after our son then if his dad wants him to go with our son somewhere (where I'm not invited because they dislike me) he will have a massive row with me to take him when he hasn't helped me at all, all day. When we have been out as a family to places we've always enjoyed ourselves but he's so lazy he can never be bothered. I want my son to know who his dad is and see what a proper family is. My boyfriend rarely wants to go out just the two of us, which is the same when we do go out together he enjoys himself just as much as I do. It's always ruined by him bailing me to go out with his friends or I'm in with out son why he goes out. He doesn't think I should go out why he stays in though. I'd like to go out every few weeks together because I do like staying in with my son but it is nice to have a break every so often.He tells me everybody hates me cause they see what I'm like but I don't see what I do wrong. Since moving out he's gotten more physically abusive and shouts at me aggressively over little things like if I forget to do something. He says because he pushes and shoves me it isn't abuse because he isn't hitting me but he has punched my legs (not all the time) and punched other parts but not as hard as he could but still enough to hurt. He's lied a lot, even over little things like how many pints he's had he will lie about it so I think he can still drive home then he will ring for a lift. I suppose I'm more upset because after having my son I want to get married and have more children and for someone to act like they love me and show it. I don't tell my friends about how things are, I'm embarrassed as they're all in good relationships and their partners treat them well. I seem to have gone from one bad relationship to another and another.. My first proper boyfriend was very controlling and it took a while after that ended to be myself then not even a year later I've ended up in this relationship where I feel exactly the same as I did then with not liking myself very much or feeling happy with the way I look.I'm not even sure what advice I'm asking for, I do feel a lot better after writing it all down.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 February 2012):
Hi there. I'm guessing that you don't believe you are attractive to him anymore, since being pregnant and now being a mother.
You can be as attractive as you believe you are.
It seems like somehow, your boyfriend feels a bit trapped now that he's a father.
He might not like the restrictions it places on his lifestyle.
It is very different being a parent, and it's also very rewarding.
Do you get any financial support from him for your son?
It is nice to receive some compliments from time to time, but when you already know that you are worthy, you get to a point where you don't need it anymore.
It's nice if you receive compliments, but basically you don't care one way or the other if you don't.
My advice is to do for yourself anything that makes you feel good about yourself.
Which means looking after your hair and keeping it healthy and well styled.
wearing some nice makeup.
Wearing figure flattering clothes.
Getting regular exercise - walking is perfect - to keep you in good shape.
And to make your life as interesting as it can be - seeing your friends, reading books or taking up hobbies, doing some creative activities or arts and crafts. These are all activities that keep you interested in life.
And the more interested in life you become, the more secure and confident you become as a person and less dependent upon other people for your happiness.
Then there is less pressure on him to make you happy, and you become almost self-sufficient.
Perhaps when he comes home from work each night, he is greeted by you being unhappy and acting all lonely and sad, or even grumpy from a bad day with your son playing up.
Then it's not such a happy place to come home to.
There is so many things that can impact on him, and all combined together, he might begin to feel as if life is passing him by.
He might be a bit lost and without a sense of purpose.
Maybe on weekends you could - the three of you - go on a picnic somewhere nice. And just enjoy each other's company.
Then you could go for a nice long relaxing walk and talk while you walk.
At any rate, what seems to be missing in you life with him - is fun.
You need to have fun together.
Do whatever it takes.
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