A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am torn between two men. The first is my boyfriend of 7 months, he is the best thing that's ever happened to me and is completely devoted to me in every way. We began a long distance relationship in September when I moved away to university, and see each other every weekend. I really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm having so much trouble with the distance, it feels like I only have a boyfriend at the weekends. We are discussing our problems but it seems there is no solution yet as the only way things can get better is if he moves here, which he can't afford. We have agreed to get a place together at the start of my 2nd year here in September as I have a contract for the flat I'm in at the moment so can't leave yet. The second person is a guy at university (I'll call him 'M'). We live in the same block of flats, are on the same course, have the same taste in music and generally just really get on well. We both admit that we like each other but M knows I'm with my boyfriend. We've done some sexual stuff, mainly just exploring each others bodies with our hands, but overall it's not just lust as we prefer to cuddle each other more than anything. I couldn't cope with the guilt of cheating on my boyfriend so I came clean a few weeks ago, but I have done things with M since and haven't told my boyfriend yet. He thinks it was a one time thing and although he knows that M is one of my closest friends he's not aware that I like him as more than a friend, he believes it was just a drunken mistake.I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend and can't bear the thought of hurting him, or the thought of not being with him anymore but I can't cope with the long-distance as in the week I feel abandoned and alone, as if he's not in my life. I see M every day and we have so much in common. I don't have very much in common with my boyfriend at all, we are complete opposites, but that's why we work well together, we complement eachothers strengths and weaknesses. I feel as though I'm hurting everyone here, my boyfriend is depressed and has started self-harming which is so unlike him as he is a very happy optimisitic person. This is why I can't bring myself to tell him that I cheated again, as I'm worried what he'll do to himself. In an ideal world I'd be with M while I'm at university, and be with my boyfriend when we're in a situation where we can live together in the future. I don't know what to do, I feel like I can't give either of them up as being here is so lonely and isolated that I couldn't cope without M here to make me feel happy and relaxed. But my boyfriend makes me deep down genuinely happy like I've never been before, the thought of him not being in my life is unbearable. What should I do? I'm so lost and confused and I just seem to keep hurting the ones I love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): Your boyfriend has 'started' self-harming. You 'came clean' a few weeks ago. Do you think the self-harm might be connected to him finding out that you cheated on him?
I'll need to read this a few times over before offering advice, this is a complicated one.
A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 Long distance relationships are too hard for most unless your relationship is extrememly strong. I'm worried about your boyfriend self-harming... and this is only going to stress you out more.
I'm reading from your post that it seems like your boyfriend is Mr. Right and 'M' is Mr. Right Now! Obviously M is okay with the fact that you have a boyfriend, and is happy to 'play about' but that's all he's probably wanting at Uni at any rate! Your boyfriend is upset that you 'cheated' (tecnically) and is feeling lost and alone.
If you think that you'll be making out with M a lot more, the only fair thing to do is explain to your boyfriend that you need space, it's too hard being in a long distance relationship for you at this time. You need to let him go, as leaving him hanging on (while you have relations with another guy) is very unfair.
Or if the idea of letting your boyfriend go is too unbearable, then get rid of M. Be friends with him, but leave it at that.
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