A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I hope someone can give me some advice about how to deal with this problem I am having with some of my feelings towards my fiancee. My fiance and I have been together for almost three years (engaged for eight months) and I have been feeling increasingly depressed and somewhat jealous about his past. When we met, he had been single for three years after his first proper relationship with a girl with whom he was with for two years. He lived with her and her daughter from a previous relationship. They met at work (she asked him out for drinks) and once she left they started to date and he moved in with her. She was young (20), beautiful and high maintenance. At first things seemed to be okay but gradually they started to argue. He once mentioned that they argued more than they spoke and there were lots of periods of stoney silence during the relationship. Despite the tumultuous nature of this relationship, he still provided for her financially. Whatever she wanted he bought for her, even paid her rent, deposit on her car and furniture for her house. The problem is that he was in a relationship around the time he ventured into becoming self employed , which put a strain on his finances. Inevitably, he ended up deep in debt. The end of their relationship occurred when he found out that she was signed up to a dating site and she was taking to other men and sending messages. Not really cheating but almost. He packed up all this stuff and left her. He then spent the next few weeks at home, after taking leave off work- and he wrote about his experience of getting over her and turned it into a book. The best way to get over a woman is to immortalise her in literature, right?A few years later he met me, and we have had a great relationship so far. He is a loyal man and very supportive of everything I do. He is understanding and respects me and has not cheated or even given any impression of doing so. He is fully committed and on paper will make a wonderful husband. However, I cannot get over his ex. why. I cannot get over the fact that he was a provider (financially and otherwise) to her but he is not to me ( he has less money now). He also has a large chunk of his debt to pay off and I feel like whatever money I contribute to the relationship is offset by the money he has to pay out to the monthly repayments. We have a relationship where we put in equal amounts of money so that we can run the household- but sometimes he has little money for whatever reason- and I end up giving him money. SO technically I am helping to pay off his debt. I also cannot seem to get past the fact that he has shared lots of special things with her first. They have been on holiday together, she has made meals for him, she has made sandwiches for him, she has decorated their house, they have gone on dates, they have made love. I am the second person to do all these things with him. I have not had a serious relationship before him so for all these special things he will be my first; I will be his second. This hurts me. This particular line of thoughts dominate my days and it has now got to the point where I think what is the point of making him meals, or getting him little presents or hugging him if she was there first. Finally, I just cannot deal with the fact that he was in so much pain and suffering when they broke up. I have not dealt with a painful break up but I know that if me and him broke up I would never get over it- not fully. I feel this might be the case for him in reference to her. AS she was the first person he was emotionally attached to , I cant help but wonder if there will always be some kind of a connection. My fiance claims that this is not the case and that he mostly felt relief when he left but I do not believe him fully. I have spoken to him in great depth about his relationship in order to lay this problem to rest but I still can't seem to manage it. Please can someone help me, give me some advice of how to deal with all this?
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at work, broke up, debt, depressed, fiance, his ex, jealous, money, moved in, on holiday, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, rella23 +, writes (11 December 2009):
I don't really have an answer to your question but, I wish I did. I just wanted to let you know that when I read this I really understood what you are feeling and feel allot of the same things. My boyfriend had a girlfriend of four and a half years before we were together. I have never dated anyone that long and have never lived with anyone. I know it is not realistic to think I'm going to meet someone who doesn't have a past but, I feel insecure about my lack of a past. As women it is less socially expectable for us to be single and I think this is part of where that insecurity comes from. Maybe we both need to ask ourselves if things would really be better with someone else. It seems pretty unlikely that they would. So I guess we need to work on feeling more confident in ourselves. What helps me is to think about how much more I have to contribute to our relationship. This girl was also allot younger and needed financial support. When they lived together she never decorated or from I can tell contributed much of anything to their life together. I know that I have so much more to offer and can tell that you do too. I guess we both just need to remember that even though it's hard sometimes. Hopes this helps a little, reading what you wrote helped me :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): I exactly feel the same, you seem to loose meaning in things... little things that make up a relationship.. sometimes you feel that you are not an individual as all ur acts are dominated with the thought of ur partner's past.. Sometimes you want to hate his ex but someway you want to take her place...
I am searching for the same answers..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): I think you are feeling a lot of the same feelings that people feel who are jealous of their partners past sex lives. Retractive jealousy. Theirs is feelings hurt about the sexual things but you are having similar feelings & thoughts processes about non-sexual aspects of the past relationships.
I suggest you look up that subject because it comes up quite a lot and there are many discussions about it.
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