A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I am in a long-term relationship and love my partner but i feel very trapped. I have 2 children from a previous relationship that are teenagers and my partner doesnt have a strong relationship with them but they do all get along well most of the time. My problem is that i have rared them on my own for so long and am used to being the one that diciplines them. Weve been arguing lately as my partner keeps telling me how to discipline them and seems to act like a stepdad when it comes to telling them off about something. We have a 2 ur old together and i just heard him say to her that she wojt be allowed to get away with what they do. I have good children. If i had two tear aways then maybe i could understand his concern but its so unnecessary. Im starting to think id be better off on my own again. Its like living in a barracks how he goes on about them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2019): You described the relationship with your partner as long-term; and you both now share a child together. How does he not get to have any input about your children, if they are being difficult? Do you all live together?
Society and the world outside your door is going to criticize your children. If they break the law or cause trouble; they will be punished under the law, or could be put in jail! They may lose jobs, be scrutinized by their peers; and be rejected by the people they fall in-love with. Their friends may turn on them. If they don't receive constructive-criticism and guidance; they will become self-centered, entitled, and oversensitive to anything less than pampering and unearned-praise. They need to be told when they are behaving badly. Their teachers, coaches, principals, and bosses will do it. Why not your partner?
How do they live in the same house affecting his life, and he have no right to say anything about, or to them?
Does he have to go through you for permission to stop one of your kids from yelling back at you? If they persist in doing something you've asked them to stop doing, should he remain mute and just look on? I myself would find it hard to idly standby! I don't use abusive-language towards children; but I am firm or assertive when deemed necessary. I want to be taken seriously when I'm serious. You have every right to mediate and monitor the tone and actions taken towards all the children. So I'm firmly on your side. I'm not making excuses for him; nor saying you are wrong. I don't know that.
You're taking his criticism as a cut against your parenting; perhaps you may have been too lenient or permissive in some areas. If you're having difficulty with your kids, you may need help. You have to maintain order in your household.
Fathers are often shunned for being tough or harsh, while having a firm-hand; while mothers are tender, loving, protective, and nurturing. Sometimes to a fault; where their kids become spoiled and disrespectful. They'll talk-back as if they are equals, rebellious, and dismissive when you admonish or correct them. If that is what he is criticizing; he has every right to! If they are snarky and disrespectful, they deserve to be told. You're not the only one who has to put-up with their behavior.
If you feel you need to leave, then leave. It's not nice that he would say he doesn't want his kids like yours when they misbehave in-front of his kid. But who can blame him?
I'm not there to see what goes on in your house. I'm just looking at this from all angles. You automatically get more of the benefit of the doubt; because you're the original poster. You've come for advice. However, it can't be presumed he's all wrong and you're 100% right; when we hear only one side of it. Even in court everyone gets their say.
Abusive-language and toxic-criticism is unacceptable and you have every right to stand in defense of your children. He doesn't get to attack their self-esteem or bully them; because that doesn't serve any good purpose. It simply shows his lack of skills in communication and parenting. You don't get respect through fear and intimidation. You cultivate hate. You'll corrode their trust and undo their love. Resulting in estrangement. So I totally understand your position.
We get to hear one-side of the story. One of the most famous responses you get from parents when the police show-up at the door is "not my kid!" We expect parents to be protective and biased. We stand-up for our children; because that's our job. Don't let your bias and over-protectiveness defend them when they need discipline. There are different styles of discipline and parenting. Men and women don't usually discipline alike. You should try to work together; because sometimes you need backup. Even you might need some guidance on how to handle some teenage-issues. Boys and girls are different! Girls will give their mothers heartbreak and agida! They will go head to head with you for years! While they'll melt with one word from daddy!
When teenagers are going through their rebellious-stage, they realize how close they are to being a grown-up, and they feel they have a right to an opinion. They feel they have a right to tell you what's on their mind; and will turn your home upside-down! While you stand there wagging a finger and nagging them like they're still five years old. We don't know your kids or your partner's side of the story. Just yours.
If they're driving you nuts, and not listening to you, what's he supposed to do? Twiddle his thumbs?
If you feel he's abusive, leave that situation. Just bear this in-mind. If he doesn't like your parenting-style, he just might challenge you for custody of his kid. Ask him to mind how he talks about your kids, and the tone he uses with them. If he's out of line; it's your responsibility to set him straight. If he feels he doesn't have to respect your opinion, you're right to leave him.
If you just don't like anyone disciplining your kids but you; while he's watching them walk all over you and disrupting the household, in spite of it. You all need to know how he feels about it. His kid is in the middle of this disruption; since you prefer to separate yours from his.
A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (18 February 2019):
 The only solution to this is to have a talk with your partner. Let him know how you feel and ask that he refrain from talking bad about your children.
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