A
female
age
36-40,
*oSoulButWords
writes:I have known for a while now I would be leaving my husband at some point, and have told him on several occasions when i've been thinking about it, and he always says he wants me to stay and give him another chance. He treats me very poorly (NOTE TO ALL MEN: Wife does NOT equal property!) and has major obsession issues. Other then our 1 1/2 year old son I do not know why I am with him still. We are going on a trip to Disney with my mother next week and I've been sure for a while now I would finally get the backbone after out trip.Enter new complication: I've recently gotten back in touch with an old guy-friend from highschool, and despite me trying not to let my mind even consider going there, we both have been caught in awkward "I'm trying not to like you like that" moments. He knows how my husband treats me, but not how soon I had planned on leaving, and we do our best not to talk about the awkward stuff. He has been a great shoulder to lean on, better help with the baby then the husband (simple things like carrying the diaper bag and wiping cookie off his face) and good at lightening up the mood when things get to be too much for me. I know for a fact that he at least sort of likes me (ever jokingly tease someone about something like "Ooh, you liiiike me, don't you" only to find out its true?) and this is with knowing the kid and the hubby troubles.I hate myself for having this sort of thought before things are over with hubby, I do not want to be seen as a bad person or have people think I left him BECAUSE of this friend, since I have known it was over long ago, but I also don't want to completely let this go and miss my chance at having a decent relationship with someone who is actually a nice guy who likes me as a person, not an accessory/maid. If you were this guy, what would you think? If you already knew about how things were bad, would you think I left hubby for you? I'm going to take things slow no matter what happens, and I know its possible nothing will happen, I'm just already scared and confused and don't want to ruin anything or make anyone feel bad. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Divorcing is for you to decide. I can tell you that, if your marriage is as you have described it, I don't think you should stay with your husband. If he uses the scars you were left with after that sexual abuse then it is clear he doesn't love you. That is the sort of thing you just don't do. But you need to think carefully.
That said, I wouldn't expect a marriage in this sorry state to last for long anyways. Unless you became a prisoner for the next eighteen years or so. I wouldn't bet you would be able to stay with him for that long. And that would do damage to your baby. If you can't go that long, then divorce now. That way the child will suffer the least damage.
I agree that you need to take some time for yourself and think about yourself. When you know what you want, you will be able to approach this man confidently. At the moment, perhaps you need too much love and affection to be thinking clearly.
Also, you need to think carefully because you will be a young divorced mommy with a kid. From now on, any man who comes your way will need to take your baby into consideration. Now you just can't have relationships the way you used to.
You don't want the new guy to think you left your husband for him. I think that what you really don't want is to rush things. You feel that, if he knew you left your husband for him, he would want everything right away. And you're not sure that's what you want. I agree with you in feeling this way. I also have to say that decisions have unexpected results sometimes. If you want strawberry ice cream, then you can't have pineapple. If you want to take your time to think about yourself (which is, by the way, the very right thing to do), you can't expect him to wait for you.
The new guy is seeing what goes on. If, after some time, he doesn't see some signals, he will go. Rightfully so.
If you have made a decision to leave your husband (which only you can make), then do. And then, talk to this guy and tell him that you need time to think. Don't make any commitment to him at the moment, and speak very clearly and directly. If you don't, he will feel you led him on.
I wish you the best. I think the key here would be to talk to the new guy very clearly. I think he would be mature enough to understand that a mom with a kid just can't jump into relationships anymore.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Regardless of the quality of your marriage, you owe it to yourself and your husband and this new man to end one before you begin the other. I also agree with anon poster that you really should spend some time on your own so that you understand your needs and desires so that you don't make the same mistake twice.
It's ok to have this man as a friend but if you are projecting the relationship to something more, then I think you need to cool it until you settle things with your husband AND yourself. A rebound relationship with a child in the middle is not a good idea.
To anon poster who says she will stick with her marriage with kids no matter what... I think that is the right attitude to have when you make that kind of committment but you need to understand that most of us do go into our marriages with this attitude. Sometimes life isn't fair and most of us who are in bad relationships stay too long because of that committment and then we end up beaten down and broken... the number one reason we stay...for the children. Let's try to have some compassion.
Good luck nosouldbutwords.
...............................
A
female
reader, NoSoulButWords +, writes (5 April 2008):
NoSoulButWords is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings weren't always this bad, but my husband now controls who I can talk to, where I can go, yells at me, makes everything need to be my fault, exploits my fears to control me (I was sexually abused when I was younger and he knows just how to frighten me so I feel like the little girl hiding in the corner again) and has, on three occasions, though never too hard, hit me. He also yells at/ignores the baby and is the opposite of helpful with taking care of him, after a year and a half I can count on one hand the number of diapers he's changed and it's like pulling teeth to get him to allow me to leave without the baby for grocery shopping or doctors appointments. He also spends all of our money on guitars and video games, and will not allow me to get a car or work. There is even more but I think this shows the general idea.
I am not trying to jump in to another relationship, hence the confusion. If you honestly like someone, and they honestly like you, how do you just say "well okay I'll wait several months to a year and hope they aren't with someone else or tired of waiting for me". I am trying really hard to be careful and not repeat mistakes, but also not miss out on something that could be great...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Yeah I understand your concern. To be honest, if I was the new guy, I would not get involved with someone who is married and has children. But that's just me. Obviously he doesn't have a problem with it cause if he did he wouldn't be hanging out with you. And of course he likes you. A guy is not just going to hang out with you if he didn't like you.
So maybe having this new guy is giving you the confidence and that extra push you need to leave your husband.
But I'll be honest, if I was in your situation, married with a little baby, there is no way I would walk away from my marriage right after having a baby or behave in that manner with another man infront of my child. Once I decide to be a mom with the man I marry, I am going to try stick things out and do whatever's in the best interest of my baby and my family. Why did you have a baby with him if you weren't even sure of this guy? I don't get it.
Your actions just seem very whimsical and I think its sad to bring a baby into the world when clearly you are not mature enough to provide a stable environment for the child. You can't put all the blame on your husband. I mean you married him. You had a child with him. These were conscious choices you made. Maybe you really know what you are doing and I hope you do. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Men will always consider their wifes property to some extent, its genetic. We evolved from animals, and you only have to look at lions, bulls and gorillas to see there is bound to be a little of that in us. If i were this guy i would be worried your husband had turned you into man-hater.
Its wise to have a spell on your own before jumping straight into a relationship. I would keep this guy as a friend, although it sounds like your having trouble containing your urges.
Good luck
...............................
|
