A
male
age
26-29,
*huntdaprodigy
writes:I'm 14 years old, and in the 8th, soon to be 9th grade. From kindergarten to 6th grade I hanged out with the loser click, but then I got 2 7th grade and started hanging out with more popular ppl. The thing is, all the years b4 in my life, left me with not-too-great social skills. I also was raised to be soft, I have a black dad, and a white mom, and spent more time with the female dominated white side of my family, who expected me to use the female bathroom when I was younger, nuff said. I hate how I am, because I have a non-atheletic body, suck at every sport, don't know how to fight, and I don't feel like a real man. People make fun of me, and disrespect me all the time, and most of the time, I can never think of anything clever to say, to make fun of them back with. And I'm also afraid to try to fight them, because I don't know how to fight. I'm really shy around girls, and have never had a girlfriend b4, and I feel like a complete loser. I hate my life, and don't know what to do. I dread getting up, and going to school every morning, because my life is so pathetic. I'm sorry for the long question, but I'm in misery here.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 Most teenagers go through this phase in life so dont feel like you are the only one - there are plenty of others that feel the way you do I promise!
Ok to deal with your problems one by one:
1. Social skills. Not many teenagers are great with social skills, and the loud talkative ones tend to only be that way because they are not very clever and are trying to make up for their lack of intelligence, OR they dont have much say at home so have learnt to be loud and chatty in order to get attention. Neither of these things are good - you dont want to be like these kids! It sounds like you now hang around with some decent people, so you have friends which is great. There is nothing wrong with being the quiet one in the group - I was like that with my friends when I was your age as all my friends were the popular kids, showing off, being loud...always had lots of attention and I was the shy one in the group. But now I am 23, I have come out of my shell, I am way more succesful in life than my old friends (they didnt do too well at school so now they are in rubbish jobs with boyfriends they met at school and are bored with life) - whereas I have a lovely house, a great boyfriend and a fantastic job with lots of career potential. So what I will say to you is just enjoy being around your friends, let them take all the attention for now knowing that when you get a bit older your life will be better than theirs! Focus on school and study hard - get good grades and make sure you have a good future ahead of you. Showing off and being popular now is only a distraction at school and will stop you from achieving all you can at school.
2. Your body. You are only 14 and have not developed yet! I remember when I was your age all the boys were smaller than me and still looked like boys, but when they hit about 15/16 they suddenly grew very tall, became more manly! So dont worry about your shape just yet - you probably have not really started puberty so there is nothing to worry about. When puberty hits you will notice big changes and you will be much happier, so just be patient and let nature take its course. I suggest in terms of sport, maybe try working on your fitness a little. So go out jogging, ride a bike, walk more, join a gym near your area if they do "under 16" evenings or something. If you improve your fitness then sport will become easier, and maybe you could join a few sports clubs at school which will mean you meet more new people and can have some fun at the same time. I'm sure you dont "suck" at all sports - I bet you have not tried them all and given them enough time! Sport takes lots of practice and it takes a while to get good, so you just need to try a few sports and stick with them for at least 2 months to see whether you do improve. So try track and field/athletics, swimming, running, baseball, football, tennis....give them all a go and dont rule anything out until you have tried it.
3. Fighting. It is a good thing you dont know how to fight! Fighting is bad, you should not want to fight anyone as this is a terrible way to resolve a situation! Hurting someone is never something you should want to do, fighting is for bullies and people with no communication skills. If you really want to feel like you can defend yourself then why not take up a martial art? I used to do kickboxing and Tae Kwon Do when I was your age and it was fun, it got me fit and I knew I could defend myself if I was ever in a difficult situation. There are hundreds of types of martial arts and they dont require any former skills, you dont need to be good at sport before you start a martial art. They require discipline, focus and determination rather than being typically "athletic". So maybe this would be really good for you, why not search for a martial arts group in your area and ask your parents if you can go?
4. Girls. The reason you may not be getting much attention from girls is because of your confidence. If you feel like a loser and hate yourself, this is going to be quite clear to girls and they wont want to be around you. After all, would you want to date a girl that thought she was a loser and hated life, someone who complained all the time and who was miserable? Our would you want to date someone who was fun, outgoing, happy, confident and enjoyed life? I think you would rather go for the latter! So try and do the things that make you happy - what do you enjoy? What are your hobbies? Confidence comes from within, and comes from being happy with your life. You have identified what you dont like with life which is a good start, but now you need to think about what makes you happy. And dont think about the things you "wish" you had, like a girlfriend or being sporty - what are the things that you enjoy doing now, that you can do, what are you good at? Do you do well at school, do you enjoy reading, do you enjoy films, comics....? I'm sure you will find that really there are lots of things in your life that you enjoy and there is a lot going for you. The key is to stop being negative and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you will only end up staying in this downward spiral forever.
Make a list of what you LIKE about YOU. So any good bits about your body (maybe you have nice eyes, good hair, well dressed, lean shape....), list the things you like in life (whether this is ice cream, films, sunshine.....anything) and then make a list of things you WANT to do. What do you want to add to your life that will make you happy. List all the things you want to acheive, where you see yourself in 5 years - give yourself some goals to work towards! When you see all this written down you will have a list of good things about you that you can keep, so whenever you feel down you can look at them and feel like it is not all so bad. Plus you will have some goals and targets so you can make an effort to work towards them, and feel happy when you have acheived something.
I know this advice might seem a bit rubbish and I totally understand how you feel - right now I'm sure you think life sucks and can see any way of it getting better. And I know saying it is just a teenage phase and it will pass isnt much help either! But at least because this is just part of growing up, at least it may be slightly comforting that you know it wont last forever! You will go on to lead a great life and you will be incredibly happy, so at least keep that thought in the back of your mind when things are getting you down.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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