A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm not one for dating advice columns or anything like that. That being said, bear with me a bit. Alright, so I've been through a lot of difficult relationships. I recognize the fact that the difficulty in some cases was my doing. I thought I was better though. I've been controlling in past relationships, but when I met this girl things felt so different. We had so much in common, we could talk for literally hours on end, and she seemed perfect. Things went downhill though. I lost my attraction to her after we had been arguing a lot lately and I made her cry so much. I felt so terrible. I know I ruined her. I try to deny it within myself, but she was so happy-go-lucky and then when we broke up she had no friends but me, just sat at home alone all day. I got jealous too easily and took it out on her. I accused her of cheating, lying, and got angry anytime she wore make up or revealing clothing to her school. To make me feel more comfortable she gave up her friends, her facebook, and talked to me at all possible moments of the day. She was the best girlfriend I ever had. I hate to sound shallow, but my lack of attraction made me lose her. She isn't unattractive, don't get me wrong, she's hot. I just thought I could shoot for the stars and get someone way out of my league. We've kept contact ever since our break up and she has changed lately. She went back to her old friends, changed her hair, and for a while stopped talking to me. Then today on the phone she was crying saying how badly she wanted me in her life but she was sick of feeling so unloved. I do love and care for her. I want her back but I hate her friends she chooses and the fact that she has a facebook. Her friends are morons and I simply don't like facebook. I guess I just worry one of her other ex boyfriends will start talking to her on there and I get jealous. I don't know what to do. Suddenly I can't picture my life without her and I would give anything to have her back. I keep hinting at it to her but she's being very nonchalant about it. She's angry because she felt like I was just talking to her because no one else was around and because I started talking to my ex girlfriend. Admittedly, if I were in her shoes I would feel the same way. I told her I like her and want to be with her but her friends and facebook are holding me back and she said "I gave that up once for you, that's not happening again." I hate how bitter she's being about the break up. I guess she was hurt more than I was but now that I want back together, shouldn't that fix it? I'm just sort of venting it out here, but if anyone has any advice whatsoever please please help. I feel so helpless. I miss her.
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, facebook, jealous, my ex, unloved Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): So, because you want her back, it's supposed to fix everything? Don't expect her to drop everything in her life for someone who has treated her like nothing more than a disposable object. Life doesn't work like that, and not everything will be on your terms. Accept it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): if you truly care about her you will let her go. She knows that it's bad for her to be with you. Why can't you respect that? of course you want her back - she treated you so good. Of course she doesn't want you back - you treated her badly. there may have been good times, but when you treat her badly it erases that.you don't like her friends? - well tough. She has a right to choose her friends, cos they are HER friends and she's an adult not a kid so you don't have a right to control who she has as friends. you say you don't like her friends because they hurt her in the past? well YOU have hurt her a lot probably way more than them, and yet you seem to believe she should get back with you. This is not about caring for her and wanting what's best for her, it's about you and your need to get your way because you need to have your insecurities soothed even if it means trampling all over her. you want to change for the better? if you're sincere that's great and if so then let her go, and learn to get your insecurities under control on your own, if necessary see a counselor for help in calming yourself down. if in the future she wants to get back together with you because you've changed into a better person then great. but dont' expect her to want to get back together with you now when you haven't proven yourself to have become a better person.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): Hi, I'm the original poster I don't know if it will show it or not.
But I mean that I want to get better. I wish it didn't bother me that she had a facebook, I know how stupid it is. Everyone has their flaws though. And it isn't that I don't want her to have any friends, I have no problem with her having friends, but it's who these friends are that bother me. They're ignorant, have always been rude to me, and have hurt my ex girlfriend in the past. She says there's much more to them than that but it only makes me angry to hear her make excuses for them.
and our relationship wasn't unhappy for the most part, and even she has said that it was a good relationship minus a few bumps in the road. I want us to be together, just without thee stress and possessiveness that it had before. That's all I want. I'm still not entirely over her ignoring me for a week, but I realize I can't live without her. She's the best person I know and I feel awful for everything that happened. I just want her to be mine again.
Maybe you all are right, maybe she would be better without me, but I still want to try because I need her. And she keeps saying how she wants me, but doesn't know if it's the best thing for her...
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 basically what you describe is possessive controlling behaviour and now you want to have her back for round two.
you were happy to have her get rid of her friends then when you had her all to yourself you no longer were interested in her. i think she is better off without you as from even your description you made her unhappy.
a relationship is about respect and trust. for you it appears to be about ownership and control. you haven't changed you just want what you no longer "posess". grow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (15 July 2011):
you can,t expect her to give up facebook and her friends her friends are the ones who have been there for her when you hurt her by splitting up with her everyone needs there friends you say you have changed but it still sounds like you were controlling with her if you want to get her back you will have to accept her friends and facebook
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): to be honest, you sound very selfish. you were controlling your her and making her give up her friends, hobbies and time for you, demanding to be the center of her universe, making her cry. And then you dumped her because even that wasn't good enough for you.
now you want her back, but she's healed and moved on. Actually you did a favor to her by breaking up with her because she didn't deserve your treatment. She's better off without you. during the course of the relationship she went from happy-go-lucky to depressed and miserable. At least now it sounds like she's back to normal and realizes you treated her like trash and thank goodness she's got enough self-respect to not want to let herself be treated that way again that's why she's bitter about you, that's her gut instincts protecting her from you.
And yet you're mad that she's "bitter" about the way you treated her? are you serious? this is incredibly selfish of you. Not only do you want to control her life, but also her emotions too?
all you care about is what you want, and you have complete disregard for how she felt and still feels.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (15 July 2011):
you say you want her back, but you don't say anything about YOU making changes to be a better boyfriend this time. If you want the relationship back exactly the way it was the first time around, then what do you expect will happen? you'll break up again, because that's what happened the first time around.
Your girlfriend realizes that giving up her friends and other things that were important to her because of your demands, was a big mistake. Good for her. She's right - a healthy loving relationship fosters each person's personal growth, not stunts them by cutting them off from things and people that are important to them. You were smothering her, and she realizes it now and that it was bad for her.
it's good that she's angry at the fact that you *still* would want her to give up her friends and her facebook, and that she's not accepting that. Your insecurity and jealousy are your problem to deal with, not hers.
It's also good that after the break up she went back to a healthier state of mind by reconnecting with her old friends and feeling attractive again. Why should she want to regress in her life by getting back with you and the way you treated her and are still going to treat her?
And yes she did suffer more than you did, because she's the one who sacrificed her needs for the relationship, while you didn't do the same. She was trying to make the relationship work, while you were demanding more and more of her unfairly. So of course she's bitter about the break up, actually she's bitter about the whole relationship - after all she sacrificed for you, you left her. Therefore, now why would you think that getting back together should make her suddenly feel great? So things can go back to that?
It's good that you realize that you were controlling her and that this made you lose her. So what are you going to do with this knowledge? if you want her back (or if you want to have a better relationship with any one else in the future) you should change your behavior. But she has every right to be bitter and not want to get back with you and if so you should accept that as a consequence for treating people poorly and resolve to do better next time.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 You hate her friends and the fact she has facebook...
Too bad. She's seen how important it is to have social interactions with people other than being solely dependent on a partner for that. Break ups can be devastating when you don't have a support network and crawling back to friends that you've ditched makes you feel even worse at a time when you already feel like crap.
Don't take your insecurity out on her. Everybody needs friends. Its normal. Its healthy. If you do plan to get back with her, how about doing the mature thing and not trying to control her.
...............................
|
