A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have a good relationship, with the exception that I utterly dislike his childhood best friend. His friends from college, however, I love. The problem with his best friend is that I believe he's no good. When he comes to our house, all he wants to do is drink excessively, watch TV, and talk about the distant past, which does not involve me at all, as my boyfriend and I have only been dating 1 year. Also, this friend maintains contact with his ex, who happens to be best friends with my boyfriend's ex, who he dated for 4 years. I don't like this for obvious reasons. But it's not just this friend that I dislike - it's an array of my boyfriend's childhood friends who have grown up to be losers (drug addicts, people with low aspirations who hang out with whores and do stupid crap, etc.). I can't understand why my boyfriend is still friends with these people - we're 27 years old and on the verge of going off to grad school together. We've even been talking about marriage - but if that means accepting these "friends" into my house, then forget it. Anyway, I came very close to telling my boyfriend exactly how I felt about his best friend, but stopped myself at the last minute. Should I just be honest about my feelings? Also, I don't like hanging out with this guy because he encourages my boyfriend to drink, and when he's drunk, we always fight. He ends up calling me "bummer" or "downer" because I'm not drinking enough by his standards, or because I want to go home before he's decided he's had enough. How can I resolve this issue while preserving my relationship? My boyfriend is fiercely protective of his friends and I fear that he would sooner dump me than distance himself from sketchy friends that would probably end up using him/asking for money in the future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Thanks to all for your advice.
I don't have a problem with my boyfriend going out and having a good time with his friends - in fact, I'm usually asked to come along, and enjoy spending time with the "guys". What I don't like about his best friend is that he is only interested in doing whatever he wants. He drinks in excess, gets irritable and quiet when there's more than 3 people in our group, and tends to disappear in order to do something illegal, which I won't mention here. He is younger than my boyfriend by a few years, unattached, and out to have a good time, no matter whose toes get stepped on our how much trouble we court. For example, we recently went out with him and his underaged sister for drinks at his insistence. My boyfriend, the perpetual people pleaser, couldn't say "no" to him. When she got caught, this guy shrugged it off and tried to take her somewhere else. I feel too old and too smart to be doing stupid stuff like this. But, whenever I try to raise on objection, my voice is quashed by my boyfriend. And when he's drunk, I'm more than quashed, I'm accused of being a party-pooper, downer, bummer, whatever. I've never been anything but nice, polite, welcoming to his best friend. I try to relate to him, try to talk to him, but it doesn't seem to be working.
By the way, my boyfriend ended up asking me what I really thought of this friend, and I told him, politely, that I didn't like him as much as some of his other friends, for the reasons listed above. He called me a bitch and said that he was ashamed of my opinion. WTF?
A
female
reader, elliemarie1104 +, writes (20 March 2010):
 Wow. The dude sounds super dickish.
But seriously, just confront your boyfriend with the problem, but do not come off as hostile or controlling. Guys like their space for choice.
I had the same problem with my boyfriend's best friend... I found him obnoxious and downright idiotic. Totally not worth the breath it took to tell him off. But once I got to know him a little better, he honestly was not that bad, he was a little different with me once I was comfortable around him.
So you could always try my method too, get to know his friends a little better. And if nothing results, at least you're buttering up your boyfriend by attempting to accept his friends, and he'll be much more receptive to you when you tell him that there's a problem.
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A
female
reader, youngandrestless  +, writes (20 March 2010):
 you have to remember you guys have only been together for a year. he may love you but he's not willing to give up his entire past just for you. thats his life and the people he grew up with. he may not be willing to give up the fun part of his life yet. he enjoys drinking and being stupid, you may think he is too old for this but in his eyes he's still in the prime of his life and is trying to enjoy it. you cant expect him to give up his life long friend just because you tell him too, it wouldnt be fair. as for the money issue, you are looking way too deeply into this. it hasnt happened and even if it does, unless your living together it isnt your concern. if you are living together then definetly he should not be giving out money. you seem like you want him to forget who he was just to be with you. i think you may need to look at your relationship a bit closer. are you willing to let him have his friends and his fun? or do you want him to change his whole life for you. maybe you shouldnt be with him right now, because it looks like your at a very different stage in your life. he still wants to have fun with stupid friends. as long as he is not going to strippers or cheating or doing something illegal, or completely ignoring you, i think maybe you need to give him a little breathing room
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 March 2010):
 Some people do not have a right sense of priorities. It is just unfortunate that your b/f places friends above g/f in his priority list.
There are guys like that and there is nothing you can do about it until one day they will come to their senses.
It is not his friends who will walk with him to the end of the world. His friends are only using him and he thinks they are his great chums and buddies.
You will have to walk carefully and not antagonize him about his friends. All you can do is be patient until he realized that his friends are fake's and not real gold like his g/f.
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