| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm 25, and my boyfriend is 25 too. We've been dating for a couple months now, so it's still a "new" relationship. everything's great, except from time to time, I feel insecure because he was really promiscuous in the past (ie. up until right before we started dating).I've known him for a while, and we were quite close before we started dating, so I knew that he was the promiscuous type. We actually started seeing each other because he had been very flirtatious towards me and I was in for a bit of fun. He had actually liked me for months, so even though I just wanted something casual he went out of his way to win me. Eventually I let my guard down and fell for him.Now, the thing is his past doesn't really bother me but from time to time, I become insecure because sometimes he lets some details slip. Like I know some girls he's been with, they'r obviously more attractive than I am, probably are better at sex, etc. I guess the thing is, it makes me feel that once the relationship settles, he'll get bored of same old me.What really makes me feel bad is that my ex was crazy jealous of MY past. Now I was never promiscuous like my current boyfriend has been, but I'm not the type to hold sex or physical contact just for people you love, etc. So I have had my fun, but not as much, because I've always been a shy loser, so haven't had many opportunities.The thing is, I HATED that my ex put me through hell because of my past and I swore I'd never put anyone through that because of their past. Now, I haven't argued with my boyfriend over his past, but internally I feel like a huge hypocrite considering my ex's feelings and how I felt he was making a big deal out of nothing and had no reason to feel insecure.So I have that making me feel bad, and that I feel inadequate, especially because my number is so low compared to his. I know it's not a competition, but having such a low number has always made me feel like a loser (even compared to my friends), and more so compared to him. It makes me feel I'm not attractive enough and like maybe one day he'll think I'm not good enough or that other people will think he can do better... especially other girls (there are some girls he's slept with before me who shamelessly flirt with him in front of me, of course he's respectful enough to ignore them, but it irks me that these girls just don't care that he has a girlfriend and it kinda makes me upset that he's slept with the kind of people that don't respect others' relationships). I guess in short, the thing that bothers me is I feel like a hypocrite and - MOSTLY - like a loser. Like I said, it's not such an important thing, as it bothers me just from time to time and it's never been so overwhelming to cause an argument... he's respectful and he loves me, he also says I'm the best sex he's had purely because he loves me and he's so into me, unlike with the others (though he could just be saying that to make me feel better). I'm also grateful that due to his past he accepts me and would never treat me as awfully as my ex did (he slut shamed me like nobody's business! did a real number on my self esteem).Any insight appreciated, thanks x.
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flirt, has a girlfriend, insecure, jealous, my ex, self esteem, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (17 January 2014):
Second Tishas advice. You have to work on you and build your own confidence. It isn't fair to either one of you to continue to be so jealous about the past. My own husband and I are in our 40s. We've been together for four years. He is very handsome (frequently compared to Johnny Depp) and has been a bartender his whole life, mostly in strip clubs. So naturally he's very outgoing and social, and women sometimes throw themselves at him. He's been with more strippers than I've even seen, lol, most of them much younger than me.But you know what? He never had a meaningful relationship with any of them, and he chose ME. We're best friends, and i have ZERO fears that he would ever cheat on me. He loves you. YOU. Don't drive away a good man with insecurity. Having a promiscuous past doesn't mean anything. It really doesn't.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 January 2014):
I agree with Tisha's post. Your own massive lack of confidence is what is causing you to feel this way. The best thing to do would be to get some help for your own confidence and self esteem.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 January 2014):
 There are some dissonant details in here which may be contributing to your confusion. You say "I was in for a bit of fun" and "even though I just wanted something casual he went out of his way to win me:" You use the word "promiscuous" a couple of times to describe him and you use the term "shy loser" to describe yourself. In fact you write "So I have had my fun, but not as much, because I've always been a shy loser, so haven't had many opportunities." You go on to use the word "loser" describing yourself a few more times.
I think you don't feel strong or confident enough to be dating him. You feel like a 'loser.' I don't think it's his past or him that is causing these feelings, these are arising from within you and based on the fact that you feel slut shamed and have low self esteem, I think it would be a really good move for your future health, happiness and well-being to get to the bottom of the problem through counseling.
If we flipped the genders in this question and you were the male and were the one freaking out about 'her' past, there's an anon responder who would say that the problem was one of morals.
I think the problem is that you feel so unattractive to the point of calling yourself a 'loser.' With that self-image, how could you possibly hope to have a healthy relationship with anybody?
I think it's time for pro help. The worst that can happen is you spend a bit of time examining your fears and thoughts. The best that could happen is you get out of this rut of calling yourself a 'loser.'
It would be a very interesting experiment to consider your question with the gender roles flipped. Maybe that was your intention?
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