A
female
age
30-35,
*i li
writes:Hi, I did something really horrible and I don't know what to do. Basically I had sex with my mum partner and they been out with eachother for 8years. I'm only 18 myself and I don't know why it happend. I'm carrying so much guit with me all around and it is eating me up. I really want to tell my mum but I don't know how and I'm scared if she will lash out on me and hate me forever , I don't want my mum to leave me I mean I love her so much and I really didn't mean it to happen. What shall I do? Please help. I know its disgusting cheating on my mum with her boyfriend but we only had sex twice on the same moring.he is begging me not to tell my mum but I really want to but don't know how. I want my mum to relize what kind of guy he really is because there might be other young girls out there he has been cheating with. I keep on thinking its all my fault because I am vunerbal but he should know better. Please give me advise. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): It is not acceptable that a couple of ignorant people have tried to put this back on to your shoulders.
It is understandable that you have had a body shock reaction and were manipulated after all that you have been through.
He was the adult since you were a young child and a surrogate father, but not acting as one. He is a nasty piece of work. You are right to stay clear of him and his manipulation. Move on from him and your mother. Fight back if you can find the strength and support or try and be kind to yoursef and believe that nothing like this will ever happen again.
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 I feel that he crossed the line by having sex with you, but I really feel you could have said no and you didn't. You are to worried about the lie dector can this be because you have skeletons in your closet that he can expose. You are 18 you had sex with him more than one time, this happened at your mom's house, and you don't live there so I wonder why were you there to begin with.
...............................
A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (4 March 2011):
 Is this really the life you want for yourself?You are no longer a child, you are an adult now who needs to put childish games aside. If you wanted your mother to realize that the man she was with is a total creep, you've could have had some in-depth adult conversation with her. You know exactly how this happened! Being 18 and living on your own gives you enough intestinal fortitude to make your own choices. Frankly, I find your story insulting towards abused children everywhere. If you were 14, or even 15, I could have serious empathy for you, but 18 is a bit too old to play victim.Whats more important for you is to understand WHY you let this happen. If you allow men to use you for sex, they will. You will not be respected for it, you'll hurt others and your self esteem will plummet further into the hole of despair. I hope you start to dedicate lot of time and effort into seeing a counselor, at least once a week and years on end; to understand your behavior and to help you choose wisely. Life can only be as fulfilling as you allow it to be and vise versa. So, the decision is yours. You deserve more than what you can physical give. Take ownership of your body, be healthy and guard yourself from predators.Be well and best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, li li +, writes (3 March 2011):
li li is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I understand that but he didn't force me so the police won't able to do anything though. And the lie dectector test I'm sure he could pay much more to he's solictitor to get them to lie for him so he is incoent and I'm a big liar.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Hi dear, I just notice a typo I was supposed to write 'It sounds like your Mum does not know how to hang around with good people'
I'm very sorry if this hurts to hear this but it is better to face it and be safe.
You truly have not done anything wrong.
He is the mature adult father figure who pressured you.
Learn from this as much as you can in future but right now just be safe.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Also, keep in mind that Lie Detector tests are not admissable as evidence in a court of law. They can only be used to corroborate things.
So the lie-detector thing is crap. They can quite easily be fooled.
Tell the truth. It's up to others whether they choose to believe you or not.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): You need to feel safe.You do not need to explain that this happened.He is trying to manipulate the situation and make out you are lying because he is a creep.Go to your advisor or find a councellor and ask them what your options are.Explain that you were pressured for sex when you did not want to have it and that you were scared.Tell them that you do not want to have this man knowing where you live.Ask them to come with you to the police, to put a report in about what happened.Then do whatever you need to do, ask a friend to move in with you for a while or look for somewhere else to live.You deserve to be with good people and it sounds as if your Mum knows how to hang around with good people, so it wouldn't hurt if you stayed away from them and found some nice people.Don't be scared or let him threaten you in your mind.A lie detector means nothing he is just trying to be a bully and not get in trouble. He knows it looks bad.There is absolutely nothing he can do to make you look like you are lying, so keep remembering this in your mind and stay very strong and keep away from him and your Mum until you have the closure you need to move on to a good life.
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 March 2011):
"And we didn't use protectiom or anyting but he didn't cum in me becoz he always takes his penis out when he is going to cum"
I think their is to many loose ends in your story.
...............................
A
female
reader, li li +, writes (2 March 2011):
li li is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I live on my own but he knows my address. I know for fact I had real sex becuase he made me bleed a little bit. And we didn't use protectiom or anyting but he didn't cum in me becoz he always takes his penis out when he is going to cum. Is there any chance he could use the wrong detector test to make out I'm lying because my best friend thinks he might do that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): I am now 22 but had a very similar situation happen when i was 18.To be honest i am quite angry that some people are suggesting that you are responsible and are attempting to make you feel guilty. if you ask me, even if you had purposely tried to seduce him, its is his responsibility to ensure nothing happens. He is your 'stepfather' and has known you since you were 10 years old, he has a duty of care to you, and probably knows what has happened in your past and how that makes you vulnerable. It is possible that he has been waiting until you were 18 to take action on thoughts that were initiated when you started to become a woman. what happened was NOT YOUR FAULT. He is a predator - and i feel terrible that your mother is "taking his side" on the matter by not leaving him immediatley.I think you should seek help from as many professionals as possible. be honest about everything that has happened (as you already appear to be) and rest assured that you are a victim, who has been treated unfairly. From what i can see his actions are possibly criminal, but it may be in your best interests not to persue criminal charges (in my situation i decided not too, as i saw no benefit from the situation). I hope that your mother finds the truth and stands by you.best of luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): It's good to hear the full story and good that you have an advisor. Please make sure your advisor takes care of you and that you take care of yourself, yes stay away.
You did not really have sex in my opinion, it was probably a case that you were physically shocked due to the past abuse and went along with it as you trusted him.
I'm sorry your Mum doesn't seem to be able to deal with this. That is not your fault. Make sure that you seek help and it sounds like you don't live with him and your Mum is that right? I hope so. It is best if you can live on your own securely and have a happy healthy life with good people around you. Take care, I'm so sorry this happened you were right to think that he is a predator and that he is too old and a father figure and right to realise that you could of done more to stop things but that is not your fault he is the adult and is supposed to protect you not the other way around. Do not shoulder his responsibility for him and stay strong.
...............................
A
female
reader, li li +, writes (2 March 2011):
li li is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks I get what you are all saying and yes its true I put my hands up to that, I told my mum on the phone earlier as I really wanted to tell her despretly. She sounded calm and motherly but was upset not crying or anything and she qas asking me how and when and how many times and that kind of questions like mothers should do. Then she called her partner after she came of the phone to me and told me that I'm lying that he only gave me a cuddle. He also said on friday he is going to the solictors to get a lie detevie test done what cost a lot of money to proof he's inconent and that I'm lying but obvisiouly I aint worried about that at all coz I know for fact we had sex. I would never lie to my mother that's why I told her the truth. Look, I been sexual abused 3 times in the last 2 yrs and a half ago and he knows that for well, so he knows he can get to me easily , I'm not really good saying no to people at things especially sex. So I find it hard whenever it goes down the wrong road. What iam worried about now because in the past he used to beat my mum up and he been in and out of prisons for it last 5yrs ago and when he will get a reaction when he fails the test he will come looking for me and hurt me and even my mum said he might do that. I'm going to see my advisor on thursday so I'm gonna get help from her. My mum won't leave him till he fails the test, but I'm going to stay clear from him.
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 March 2011):
Your 18 and you should have know better. Both of you betrayed your mother. There is no excuse for you either because not only did you screw him once you did him twice. I'm sorry but I can't feel sorry for you because you are an adult and you knew what you were doing, unless he drugged you. He was your mother man and therefore off limits to you. He is only a man in the relationship and I'm sure your mom will dump him after she finds out about the betrayal but what will happened to you, you need to hold some responsiblity to this and you need to own up to it and stop trying to play the innocent victim. He is a scum and hopefully your mom gets rid of him but you need to sit down and really think why did you betrayed your mother with her man and stop trying to put all the blame on him. The one person I do feel sorry for is your mother, but I do wish you the best because a mother and daughter relationship is pricless. Good luck and learn to say no and keep your hands to yourselve and don't go grabbing whats not yours to grab.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (1 March 2011):
 hi i am sorry but i don't buy 'i don't know why it happened' i think you DO know why it happened or if you don't you need to have a good think about your reasons coz i can GUARANTEE that that is what your mum will ask you when you confess to her, and if you say 'i don't know' i would imagine that would REALLY p!ss her off.i think if this low life has had enough disrespect for your mum to do her DAUGHTER (that he has known since age 10) then it is probably a safe bet to assume that he is or has been cheating else where too.i am not gonna lie to you; be prepared that your mum might never forgive you for what you did and also be prepared that her boyfriend is probably gonna blame you for what happenedgood luck with this, it seems clear that you have at least learned a lesson xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): I would definately protect yourself first, I afraid that it being in the incest category is right. The best thing to do is to go and see a good pschologist (not because anything is wrong with you) but to make sure that you get the support that you need before you tell your mum, you will need that. The blame is in his court mostly and it concerns me that he let that sort of relationship develop with you pver the years.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): "they been out with each other for 8years. I'm only 18 myself and I don't know why it happened."First of all, your mother won't hate you, unless she is mentally ill or addicted to drugs or alcohol, and then it will only be the drugs and alcohol talking or the mental illness. There is something terribly wrong in your home situation, this guy has been a factor in your life since you were 10 years old.This is predatory behavior, get away from him, yes you are an adult, yes you could be criticized, but you grew up with this guy around and you need to get away from him. Talk with someone from a counseling service, get professional help, get help now, and know that this was "not your fault".Get help, NOW.
...............................
A
female
reader, li li +, writes (28 February 2011):
li li is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk thanks guys.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): My heart goes out to your mom. Betrayed by 2 people who are supposed to love and care for her.
There is no way out:
You have to tell your mother the truth, no matter how it makes u look.
If this man is with your mum for 8 years then u were 10 when he got together with your mother.something like a father figure ?
Both u and this man should have known better. You cannot only blame him, you decided to betray your mother knowingly, purposefully and deliberately.
Please, no matter how tempted u are you need to stop having sex with your mothers partner.
I know he is perceived as a scumbag, a good for nothing but what is your excuse?
You are young, if u get into a habit of betraying people close to you and hurting them, you will get a reputation of destroying peoples lives. So plse very carefully before having your mothers man again.
To Aunts who have a young woman in the house while you are with another man: too many stories of daughters helping themselves to their mothers man- perhaps to get back at their mums or perhaps just naïve. be alert, be observant. Watch inappropriate behaviour between partner and daughter.try not to leave them alone and 'protect' what is yours.
To the Men who date women with young daughters: sometimes these kids grow up in front of you. It should be a father/daughter relationship but somewhere it gets squeud. Boundaries are crossed. These young girls are not easy pickings. Stop 'wanting' to have both mother and daughter.
To the young women who set their sights on their mothers partner: STOP, if u can betray your own mother, then that speaks volumes about you.have self respect. Have integrity. Know right from wrong and know boundaries. Even if these men want u sexually u should know how wrong it is to have sex with your mothers partners.
3 peoples lives will be changed by this betrayal. Was the sex worth it? Is the guilt worth it?
To the OP: I think both u and your mother should get therapy.
Be there for your mum, she will need comfort.
And please DO NOT have sex with her man again.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 If you're more comfortable writing a latter,then do that. Just make sure this man doesn't find the letter before your mum does!
...............................
A
female
reader, li li +, writes (28 February 2011):
li li is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I'm not good at talking face to face but I'm good at writing it down in a letter but will it be the same.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (28 February 2011):
Sorry sweety...no way out of this one...you have to tell your mum.
For starters, what this man did was WRONG. No excuses. Your mum needs to know what a scum bag she's dating and both of you need to kick this man out of your lives.
Otherwise, things will just get more and more disgusting. You will keep feeling guilty, pathetic and vulnerable, this man will eventually talk you into sex again which you might find very hard to deny even though you know its wrong, this vicious circle will continue, and your mum will have no clue that her daughter and her boyfriend are doing all this behind her back. Its unfair for her and terrible for you.
Your mum will never leave you, sure she would be angry and thats understandable. But once she pulls herself up and snaps out of the shock, she will and SHOULD throw this man out.
Tell your mum right now. Dont carry on with this sham any longer.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 February 2011):
 You can't avoid the consequences on this one, really. You've already hurt your mom, now the choice is between hurting your mom more - by letting her stay with this loser - or taking responsibility by owning up to it.
She deserves to know the truth, and you owe it to her to face her anger. Don't make excuses, or say anything about "only doing it twice in the same morning." Just confess, beg forgiveness, and give her the space she needs to recover.
...............................
|
