A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm afraid I am the worlds most horrible person and do not deserve to be here.6 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful child, just. Under a year later I fell pregnant again, I was bipolar at the time and didn't think I could handle another child so I had an abortion- I was 13 weeks when I had it and it haunts me to this day. I cry constantly and feel I should have been locked away for what I did.I have had counselling, anti depresants, been back and forth to numerous doctors but nothings seems to take the pain away of what I did. The guilt is too much.All I think of is that my child should have a younger sibling running round playing with him now and its my fault that he hasn't.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 August 2011):
 Dealing with something like this is always going to be hard, and it is perfectly normal to have these feelings so dont be too hard on yourself for feeling this way.
But you have to keep in mind that at the time, you thought you were doing the right thing. Yes your child could have had a younger sibling, but then again having another child could have made your illness worse and that would have meant mummy was no use to either child. Would that have been the right thing to do? I think having one child with a mum who is well is more important than 2 children having an ill mum who cant cope.
Every month we release an egg with the potential for life. So every month technically you give your child a chance for a younger sibling. But no-one can go around thinking like that can they, we would be distraught all the time if we think about every chance of life that has been wasted.
I dont know how far along you were when you had your abortion, but presuming it was under 20 weeks, then that wasnt really a child you aborted, just a bundle of cells completely reliant upon you for life. You didnt kill anything, you are not a bad person and you dont need to be locked up. You simply removed a bundle of cells from your body because at the time you could not cope with bringing a new life into the world. There is no shame in that.
You are still young, there is plenty of time to have another child and give your child a younger sibling. But what is important is that next time, the child comes at the RIGHT time for YOU, your 6 year old shouldnt be a main factor in this. Yes having a brother or sister would be nice, but it has to be the right thing for you, not for your child.
Maybe try googling abortion support, websites like the following come up in the results and it may help you to talk to someone about this:
http://www.careconfidential.com/
Support from other women who have been through this may be what you need right now.
But please remember, you have done nothing wrong and at the time it was the right thing to do, so keep that in mind and dont beat yourself up so much over this. You were ill at the time and having another child may well have made it worse, so you wouldnt have been able to cope with 2 kids. Your 6 year old will probably be better off because you had the abortion, because it meant that his/her mum's illness didnt get worse so he/she has actually had a better life because of the abortion.
You have a lovely 6 year old and I bet you are a great mum, focus on that and try not to look back to the past so much. You cant change it now, all you can do is make sure your 6 year old has the best life possible so put all of your energy into that, rather than feeling guilty about something you cant change.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, Vanessa_Twinkle +, writes (22 August 2011):
What is done is done, that was your decision at the time, dont be hard on yourself..you just gotta move on,you might regret it but you cant go back now. Have you tried having another child to kinda replace that emptyness? Maybe it wasnt the right time to have a second child back then, maybe you werent ready for it.
Dont blame yourself, i´m sure your an amazing mum
Good luck and be proud of who you are :)
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