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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I had an affair with a married man. He made the decision to leave his wife of 25 years for me. We have been in a real relationship for almost a year. But the insurmountable guilt I carry everyday for hurting his wife is eating me up alive. I feel miserable and depressed for doing this to her. I feel I have NO RIGHT to be happy and I struggle with depression and anxiety. I know I don't deserve happiness and I hate feeling exhausted with stress. How can I ever feel like the confident and secure person I once was? She is long gone. If I continue this way, I'm sure he will cheat on me too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2021): He was as much to blame as you, more so in many ways. He is the one who made her vows, commitments and promises not you. You sound very confused and very immature, I will be honest with you I doubt that any single man would be interested in a woman who is this messed up and hankers after such unhealthy lifestyles.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (30 July 2021):
 This is the outcome of a relationship that is built on lies and deceit, and another person being hurt so you could both be together.
There are now trust issues in this relationship, trust in the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed.
When you first started seeing him you know that he was married, you knew he was lying and cheating on his wife, so you knew full well what he was capable of. You were more than happy to go along with this, and now the marriage is finished and you are together the cheating he did on his wife is now on your mind that he will do the same to you.
Yes if he is more than capable of doing the same to you, if he did it once he can do it again, he may get bored and play away again, or he may not but its always now going to be playing on you mind, and there is always going to be that element of distrust, and i don't think this will ever go away.
Like i say, this is the result of starting something on lies and deceit. I don't think you are going to be able to abolish these thoughts from your mind, and this is unhealthy.
If you feel trust issues are always going to be a part of this relationship then end things and start a new relationship not built on lies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2021): When it comes to your situation, here is what I see: A man made a lifelong commitment to his wife.The man broke that lifelong commitment to his wife.Your husband made a commitment to someone. He chose to break that commitment. He also chose to marry you. He could easily have said, "Now that I'm single, I'm going to remain single and sleep with every girl I can." Instead, he married you. Now you are feeling so much shame over a decision that HE made. I feel like it would be helpful for you to see a therapist to help you with the load of guilt you have assumed. I think he is the one who should feel guilty, but I'll bet he is living his best life and not giving anything in the past any thought. Find someone who can help you work through these feelings so that you can feel happy again. You are expressing a deep feeling of shame over this, and it's time to let it go, find help to heal it, and live a good life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2021): This is the cross you'll have to bear for awhile; but you still have the option to end the relationship for the sake of your peace of mind. They always say: "Be careful what you wish for, or you just might get it!"
Buyer's remorse is sometimes certain when we take something that truly isn't ours. The person who is jilted in this situation (his wife) is entitled to some form of justice and amends for her emotional losses. Your guilt and remorse is some contribution to that. Having a conscience and remorse is a true sign of your humanity. It's difficult to experience this guilt; yet your mistake is forgivable. Maybe not so easily for his wife, who has lost her husband and marriage. She will heal and get over it. She is now rid of a cheating-husband, for whatever that's worth.
Seek some solace and comfort through your faith; if you've ever practiced any form of religious-belief and worship. It comes in handy during times like these. Speak to a priest, rabbi, imam, minister, or whomever is the leader of whatever belief you recognize; and they will lead you to God's peace and forgiveness. If you face one who is judgy and quick to condemn you; quickly getaway from them. God forgives all sins and mistakes; if we are truly sorry, even when mankind condemns and harshly judges us. If you believe in Jesus, you know He forgives us no matter what it is; as long as we are truly repentant. King David, a man after God's own heart, cheated with Bathsheba; the wife of one of the generals in his army. He sent him to the frontline of battle, to be killed! He married her! Yet he turned to God for forgiveness, and he was forgiven! It was the prophet Nathan who came to David and made him face what he had done. If you don't know the Bible, you can Google it.
We must never do it again; but the Lord will still forgive us, if we slip and do it again in weakness of the flesh. He knows when we are not truly sorry, He can't be fooled. He knows things before they happen, and how they'll end!
I hope, you will forgive yourself. His wife lost her marriage in the worse way; but by the same token, her cheating-husband had to be removed from her life. It doesn't justify your affair, or give either of either of you a pass; but I think you're going to put all this behind you someday, and you've gained a better sense of empathy.
My dear, we are all human. We sometimes become enthralled and caught-up in our lusts and entitlement. We think we're in-love, but it shouldn't be with someone already taken. It's wrong, but nobody's perfect. The Bible gave King David as an example for us.
You don't deserve to be kicked while you're down, and harshly judged when you're in sincere remorse, and feel guilt. It's just that it's long after the fact, and the damage is done. She will suffer, but she will also eventually heal. She may find love again. Hopefully, with someone true to her; and better than he is.
If you've never done it, or even think it's ridiculous; pray for peace of mind. Ask God to forgive you; and show you how to make up for this. It can't hurt. You have to promise with all your heart you'll never do this again. He knows if you really mean it. His grace is a gift, and He is endlessly merciful.
If you can't trust him now that you've got him; there is no sense in subjecting yourself to an ill-gotten relationship you know you may never feel secure being in. Especially, when love is overshadowed by your guilt.
If this advice is useless or seems silly to you. Just ignore it.
God's peace be with you, my dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2021): What goes around comes around. If he cheated on her, he will likely cheat on you too.
That said, he did the cheating, not you, so perhaps that relieves some of your guilt.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 July 2021):
 You can do anything you like in life but, always remember, everything comes with a price. Astute people weigh up what doing something is going to cost BEFORE they do it and decide whether it is worth the price. The price of you "winning" this man from his wife is insecurity, guilt and anxiety that he will cheat on you, exactly as he cheated on his wife. Let's be realistic here, the likelihood is quite high that, having done it once, he will be more likely to do it again, especially if you have changed since the relationship became "real", as opposed to an affair.
My mother always used to say, you can't build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness. It's a pity you didn't start having these feelings before you broke up this poor woman's marriage. Too late to fix that. You now have to decide whether you can continue living like this, whether you can get over your feelings of guilt and anxiety and take the risk that he will cheat on you in the same way he cheated on his wife, or whether it would be best to walk away and find someone who is available to have a real relationship from the start, without any lies or deceit. Only you can make that decision. Perhaps it's time to start making choices in your life which will bolster your mental health, rather than run it down.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 July 2021):
 Why didn't this guilt manifest BEFORE you broke up a marriage?
Perhaps because you know realize that if he can cheat on a wife of 25 years, he can cheat on you?
You are sure he will cheat on you too. So this is more about YOU not wanting to get hurt than it is about the ex-wife's feelings - because you certainly didn't give a single F while they were married, did you?
I'd suggest you find a counselor and work through WHY you made the choice to have an affair in the first place. And perhaps you also need to realize that there might NOT be a long-term relationship with this man. At least not one that YOU really want.
You hurt another woman, and inadvertently you hurt yourself in the process. You need to find the root of WHY you did this to yourself.
This IS not about the ex-wife. It's about you. You didn't break up that marriage alone. Had it not been you, be probably would have cheated with someone else. That doesn't mean you aren't without "blame" but the GUILT should mainly be on his shoulders.
" I know I don't deserve happiness and I hate feeling exhausted with stress."
That is now how it works.
YOU made a serious mistake having an affair with a married man, and the consequences have now caught up to you.
Why do you not deserve happiness? Because you CHOSE to cheat with a married man?
So you will instead punish yourself by STAYING with a man you don't trust and who makes you feel exhausted, depressed, and stressed?
I don't condone cheating. And I think what you did was a shitty and selfish thing. I think you reap what you sow. However, I don't think YOU deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life.
Stop with the self-pity and sort it out. Figure out if you WANT to be with this guy or not. If you don't END it. You DO NOT - let me repeat - YOU DO NOT owe him to stay with him. You OWE yourself to get back on the path to who you WANT to be.
If you want a HEALTHY relationship find someone SINGLE. A relationship that started with lies and deceit is toxic.
You can't fix what you did to the ex-wife. Accept that.
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