A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need advice. I have been married 20 years, My husband and I seperated and I starting seeing someone.I have known this person for about a year, worked with him. We travel with a team of people so we seen each night and day for a year. Anyway I got pregnant!He asked me to have an abortion, I said NO! To make a long story short.... My husband and I have got back together, he knows I'm Pregnant and excepts the baby.However I do not want to lie to this child about who her father is. so any advice I would be grateful.....
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 If your child knows her origin while growing up, being a "mistake" or a product of "bad choices" or whatever terminology you want to use will form part of that child's identity. As an adult, your child will have a better capacity to understand the complexities of human relationships.
Whether or not it was your husband or the other man, I still stand by my answer.
I strongly suggest that you and your husband see a family lawyer and proceed legally, knowing all the rights and consequences fully and openly. If you want to be secure with your husband, he needs to know what all his rights are and if he still wants to support your child then that makes it safer.
-Frank B Kermit
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): About the birth certificate..... I don't know your laws, but I would say to put down yours and yours husbands name. This child belongs to the both of you, you are a married couple, and no matter who the biological father is, this child needs to belong to your husband from the start. If you tell the child the truth from the start, and keep details of her biological father, she should never go through the trauma of being lied to and when she's older she might want to see the other man, but she will know who her true father is....
PS: You and your husband seperated, there was nothing wrong with you thinking your marriage was over and getting involved with another man. If you hadn't got together again, you would have been a single mother bringing up a single child. You didn't really cheat, for all intents and purposes, you assumed your marriage was over...
Take care of you, your child is lucky to have two parents like you and your husband who understand that life may be difficult but love can sometimes heal the biggest pains.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): One more reason to not have sex OUTSIDE of marriage.
Tell the kid that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. At least you didn't do the abortion, and the kid had a chance to enjoy life! That would have been a bigger mistake. He/she should at least be grateful for that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrank... Wow!! My husband never suggested an abortion. The father of the child wanted me to have the abortion.
I don't believe in abortion, it's not the baby's fault that she was concieved. And If by chance my husband and I do seperate again, I can raise this child with out the support of either man or help from the state.
I'm taking responsibility for my actions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who replied.
Yes I know I'm very lucky and blessed. My husband is a wonderful man to be able to except this baby as his own. Obviously, we had a few problems that's why we seperated but honestly now I have to say he is the most amazing man i have ever met. We he found out he never once said anything about an abortion, and he was not even back in the home yet. It's really a crazy situation. We have two children already they are 20 yrs and 17 yrs. So we were about to be empty nesters too.... within a couple of years anyway.
The father of this baby has made no effort to contact me and has stopped working with the team when he found out.
I'm concerned about the birth certificate do i put his last name as well as ours? A couple of my friends have said they would go after him for child support, because he helped make this baby, blah blah blah. I don't want anything from him, I just don't want him to deny this baby because I know one day this child may want to meet her biological father. I don't want her to ever feel like I lied to her. I know my husband will be her daddy, but she might want to know her father.. I would. Thanks again
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (7 August 2008):
I would suggest that you plan to tell your child when your child reaches an adult age. Make sure it is a written document to be given to him by a third party in the event something happens to you both.
However, you need to be ready to explain why your child may not look like dad. Unless this becomes an issue, you may be able to wait.
Lastly, I think your husband was right and that you should have aborted the child. In my experience, time will take it toll on couples in your situation because you will naturally form a bond with the child, but your husband will not and the odds are against your marriage working out long term. You are already on shaking ground to begin with (separation).
I think he is making a grave error taking care of this child.
-Frank B Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): its good that you dont want to lie to your child. I suggest that when you feel your child is old enough to understand you sit him/her down and explain the truth. you can explain that you and your husband were not together and you had another boyfriend and that he is the daddy. Be honest and up front children deal with things so much better when they know the truth nd have all their questions answered. Sadly but the fact is the world we live in today there are very few families that are straight forward, many children have non biological parents bringing them up.
So be honest and you will find the acceptance will come as long as your baby is loved and brought up that way she/he will be fine at knowing the facts xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): First of all you need to talk about this with your husband. I know it's difficult, but you and him are a team. I don't believe in keeping these type of secrets, secrets like this always come out. You tell the child that your husband is her father, but you got pregnant by another man because your husband went away and you got lonely. If she asks about the other man, you tell the child, you sent him away because your husband got sad, and you missed your husband very much. Make it as romantic as possible, this other guy was a very nice man, but your husband was better and you loved him too much to stay away. That should hold her for a couple of years. Make sure that your child knows that your husband is her father in every way that counts.
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A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (7 August 2008):
 This is a hard desicion. Does the father of the baby know u are keeping the baby? and if he knows is he willing to be there for this baby? if he is then u should do what u think is right. tell the baby the truth, its better for her/he to know than to find out later o in life and u would feel babd about this later on to. theres nothing wrong with the baby having 2 daddy's, iam pretty sure he will apreciate ur honesty than a lie. but if this man does not want to be there, u can not force someone to be there, its your choice if you want to tell the baby that his daddy is someone thats not there, hurtful but true. hope everything works out fine:)
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