A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Im desperated for a man to make me feel better when I divorced my husband 4 years ago. I fancied this man 20 years older than me. He is very supportive throughout my divorce. I am so happy I am in love again. But now I find him less attractive and I feel more happy on my own sometimes. I just dont know to stay or go. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): I am in a similar boat to Aunty Em and yourself. Aunty Em gives very good advice. I think that when someone has supported you through a divorce and were there for you when you cried and listened to you when you were down, you do feel that you owe them something. I got divorced and then got with the man who helped me through it. 4 years down the line I am about to marry this chap and am really unsure preferring my own space and company some of the time.
Once you get divorced you realise after a while that the world hasn't come to an end and that there are things you can do for yourself that you never realised you could do without a husband to lean on. You become independent. You can survive on your own and enjoy your own company. Things change and you don't have to put up with things that aren't perfect or not how you would want them because you don't have to. Effectively you have moved on. It may be that this man now no longer appeals to the new you. If you are not sure don't stay with him out of a sense of duty. He has been kind to you and the kindest thing to do is let him know if you are not 100% sure that he is the man for you. I think you may now be looking for something else and subconsciously this chap may remind you of your past and your ex and it is likely your tastes and requirements have now changed. Have a really good think about what you are looking for in a relationship and what you would want if it was a brand new relationship and then weigh them both up. Good luck and all the best,
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (28 November 2009):
 It's so true that relationships are hard work. There are some things we need from them like companionship and support and those things are hard to live without when your single, but they are not reasons to stay with someone if you don't feel 100% happy.
The older I get, I realise that it becomes much harder to share space and find a happy medium that works when your looking for a partner. When your young it's easy to imagine that love is the only thing that matters. Divorce changes your perception (especially if its thrust upon you) it makes you mistrust, you have to work much harder to hold on to what you have and the thought of risking it all with someone else is tortuous at times. You also get used to having your own space after divorce and when someone else comes along, many of us find it hard to share again.
I guess what I am saying is that you should go with what you feel you need. This man helped you through a difficult time but maybe now he cannot give you what you need. Maybe now you feel stronger to face things alone for a while. It isn't wrong to feel like that. Of course there is always fear that we will be alone but thats the chance you take to give yourself some peace.
I am also divorced and I have found it very difficult to settle into another relationship. There are days when I hate myself and think I will be alone forever. I have tried a fairly long term deal with one man, willing things to be right so I could feel safe and secure again but eventually it fell apart because what I wanted it to be and what it actually was, were very different indeed.
If you feel happy on your own, perhaps give it a go alone for a while and see how you get on, but don't cling to someone out of fear of loneliness as it will never reap true happiness.
with love
Aunty Em xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): Well, you've been through a lot so your emotions must be all over the place! Are you living with your new man? If not, try seeing him less often before you make the split. You might find you miss him more than you realize if you just dump him. It's not fair to string him along however, so it might be worth having a chat with him. Just say you're finding it difficult to know what you want from your life right now, and you'd like to cool things off. Good luck honey,Lady Corsair
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