A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. In that time of course, I've got to know his family and the person I've always got on with the most is his sister. Most of my boyfriend's family are quite rough (swear a lot, drink etc) but his sister was the only one that was completely different, she never swears and is always polite and pretty quiet (like myself) which is why I got on with her and liked her. However, last week I found out she got pregnant and had an abortion. This REALLY shocked me as she was told she couldn't have children and I always felt sorry for her because she is a lovely person and loves kids (also works with kids), but when I found out she had an abortion I couldn't get my head around it. When I asked why all the excuse was 'I need to get a new car, I don't feel ready just yet'. She is 33, has her own house, a car, a good job and been with her boyfriend for years, what doesn't sound ready about that? And what makes matters worse, she didn't seem bothered about it at all, she actually text my boyfriend saying she was 'preggers' but getting abortion soon. This has completely put me off her. She didn't seem this type of person at all, am I right to feel weird about this? I don't feel like I'm even ready to speak to her any time soon. What do I tell my boyfriend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): As one poster stated:I have not had an abortion, but I would get one in a heartbeat if I became pregnant before I was ready.I did have an abortion. I was not ready for a child. I did not use preventative measures during sex nor did my boyfriend. We were young, naive and inexperienced having sex. My parents never spoke to me about contraceptives or sex for that matter.Do I regret having the abortion? Yes, I do. I have grieved greatly. Only God can judge me in the end.I don't judge anyone on thei religious beliefs or anyone's lifestyle so I don't need anyone judging me for the choices, good or bad, that I have made in my life.Love your boyfriend's sister for who she is with all her good points and bad as she I am sure is doing for you.It's not a perfect world and none of us is perfect and without fault.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (26 September 2012):
 "I don't COMPLETELY disagree with abortions, I agree with it when there is an actual good reason, like if you were raped, for medical reasons or if you DID use contraception and it was a complete mistake. But I just can't fucking stand women who DON'T use precautions when having sex but they think it's okay because they can just have an abortion like it's nothing. Is that so bad of me to think this?"
Yes, it is. Why do you get to decide what is a good reason? Why doesn't because she changed her mind count? First off, this whole propaganda about women using abortions for birth control is just a complete lie. It doesn't happen and if it does it's extremely rare. It costs between $300-$600 to get one, and both ways you can do it (pill or D&C) are complete agony. It's not something you can waltz in and do and then go out for ice cream later.
Then there's the venom you're spewing at uneducated women. You think it's those women's faults that they were not taught about contraception? Women should be punished because they grew up in a place where abstinence-only education is standard, or where their religious families refused to talk about this? A lot of people are given ridiculous/wrong information about sex and pregnancy. They don't deserve to have their lives ruined for that.
Not to mention these women aren't getting pregnant alone, where is the man's responsibility in this? Why have you not once in your posts spewed the kind of hate at whoever got her pregnant? Was it not equally his responsibility to wear a condom, or not have sex? Why is it only up to her? Men are present in this, but somehow you're only blaming the woman for her part in this.
Your attitude is sickening, that pregnancy should be used as punishment for either lack of knowledge or bad decisions. Women should not be punished for having sex, they shouldn't even be punished for making terrible choices about sex. Not only would you be punishing the woman for something that is only half her fault, but you would be punishing a "potential life." You think children who grow up in families where they are unwanted usually turn out well? I have not had an abortion, but I would get one in a heartbeat if I became pregnant before I was ready.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 September 2012):
 I think the best thing all around is that your true colors are visible and the sister is shy one more rainy day friend.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (25 September 2012):
 Women get abortions for a myriad of reasons. One may get one because she's simply not ready for a child, another may get one because carrying through with a pregnancy would risk both her and the baby's life. Who are you to say which reasons are right, and which reasons are wrong?
As women we have the right to choose. And until you are in that position yourself, you should probably ease up on the judgement.
You have absolutely no idea how hard it is to go through that experience, and I for one am completely offended by your ignorance and sweeping judgements as one poster said.
Your boyfriend's sister isn't a "type" of person because she terminated her pregnancy, she's a woman who wasn't ready for a child. I'm sure if she knew you thought this way, she'd be put off you as well !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never once said it's killing a 'life', I said potential life, there's a difference.
I don't COMPLETELY disagree with abortions, I agree with it when there is an actual good reason, like if you were raped, for medical reasons or if you DID use contraception and it was a complete mistake. But I just can't fucking stand women who DON'T use precautions when having sex but they think it's okay because they can just have an abortion like it's nothing. Is that so bad of me to think this?
Going back to his sister, like I said, there probably IS a real reason to why she did it, I don't know if there is and I probably won't find out. My boyfriend spoke to her the other day and told me she was upset, so I was right, she isn't the type that would just have an abortion and not give a shit about it.
I believe that women who do it and don't give a shit, ARE heartless, but that is MY opinion, like you say, we all have opinions.
Also I'm an atheist, does that mean I should believe abortions are right? No, this has nothing to do with religion.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2012):
 So you - and your bf - think that any woman who has an abortion , in lack of compelling medical reasons, is a heartless bitch ?? Whoa. Talk about harsh. Poor sister.
It seems you just can't wrap your head around the fact that other people may hold different values and beliefs than yours, without necessarily having to be freaks, criminals or heartless .
An abortion is not like throwing away candy, OK, and indeed I never met any woman who had one in this spirit, just for the heck of it. They did because they had reasons, - but if you are only willing to accept as reasons what YOU think could be valid reasons for yourself, heh, no point in even having a debate.
Like, you are adamant about the fact that abortion means killing a life - I guess you have no idea of how many millions of atheist, agnostic, and non mainstream religions don't feel the same, and do not see a conglomerate of cells or a not fully developed foetus as a human being yet. Even Mahayana Buddhists , whose ethic is all centered upon the sacrality and respect of life in all its forms, - they do not encourage or promote abortion, - but leave the ultimate decision to every single conscience without stigma - because a potential for life is not the same as an actual life, and because first comes compassion for the existing , living being and her troubles , then that for a suppressed potential.
As a matter of fact, even Christians for centuries weren't that sure that a foetus has what it makes it human, i.e. a soul. The Fathers of the Church have been bickering for centuries , whether the soul descends on a foetus at the 40th day from conception , or at the 80th . The official current position of the Catholic Church - that abortion is a mortal sin because kills a life since the very first day,- is relatively recent, having been officially affirmed in written only around the half of 19th century.
Ok, I know that by now you , and all the other posters who may be reading this, are yawning and snoring. My point is : don't think you have THE truth, - other people may have other truths that do not appeal to you, that you do not approve of, that you dislike- as you have the right of doing . But I don't think you have also the right to vilify and call heartless or bitch or weird those who do not feel exactly your same feelings.
In case you wonder, I am not a big fan of abortion either , and I too think that ideally it should be used sparingly, as a last resort, and for serious reasons. But I am a big fan of liberty of thought , and of women's right to reproduce or not as they see fit, possibly without having to deal with nosey little Torquemadas like you and your bf, on top of having to live a such difficult moment !
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 September 2012):
"why would she want her brother to think she's a heartless bitch."
I doubt he does, just like most people don't think women who have abortions just because they aren't ready to have children yet are. You're the one who thinks that, not us, and likely not him.
I'm sorry that you feel that women who get abortions for reasons other than health are heartless bitches. But you're going to have to isolate yourself from almost 1/3 of all women because 1/3 of women have an abortion at some point in their lives and the majority of them have them for personal/emotional reasons, not medical necessity.
You keep saying she's not who you thought she was because she'd choose to have an abortion, well the other obvious way of looking at this is that she's exactly the person you thought she was and that type of woman, a nice and thoughtful person, can just as easily choose an abortion. What type of woman, exactly do you think is the type to choose an abortion because she's not ready for a child? Because you're implying there's some sort of type of woman who is evil who does this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's more of a chance she'd tell her brother there's a medial reason behind it over her abusive boyfriend forcing her to abort her unborn child. Of course if he knew that, he'd go crazy.
It's just common sense that she'd tell him the medical reason over what she told him originally (if the medical reason is true) because it would make her look less harsh and why would she want her brother to think she's a heartless bitch.
But like I say, I think there is something else behind it because if that is the real reason why she did it (what she said originally), she is a completely different person to what I thought, and I've knew her for 4 years. Who knows, it's very likely I'll never find out, but I do agree, it isn't none of my business so I'm not going to go out of my way to investigate the situation. I just don't agree with it right now and don't feel ready to speak to her yet, but once I get my head around it, I'll accept it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2012):
 So by that token a secret you share with him it’s ok for him to share with his sister?
I mean after all he's close enough with her that he shares everything right?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOf course he told me about his sister, we tell each other everything. We don't keep secrets from one another that's not how we work.
Obviously I'm not going to mention it to her, I just won't agree with it or like her for it secretly. That doesn't mean I'm going to deliberately go out of my way to show I dislike her.
If she was confident enough to tell her brother she had an abortion I'm sure she'd be confident to tell him she done it for medical reasons. She tells him everything anyway, so I'm pretty sure she would.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): You liked her before you knew this information and you should like her after. Acceptance of others is a life lesson. She has accepted you and surely you are not perfect.
You don't know all the circumstances and one should never judge another. No one is without faults so I suggest you take a good look in the mirror.
As for your boyfriend, he betrayed her confidence. So shame on him. That does not speak highly of your boyfriend. So, if you want to start pointing fingers, point your finger at him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 So you have changed your opinion of you boyfriend's sister based on rumour and gossip mongering. As for you and your boyfriend deciding her boyfriend is somehow pulling the strings based on conjecture, oh puleeez.
You said this in your original question: "When I asked why all the excuse was 'I need to get a new car, I don't feel ready just yet'. "
That surely sounds like you and she discussed the abortion, but in your followup you say she only talked to her boyfriend about it.
I think you are trying to make a bigger deal out of this than exists, I suggest you back right off, and tell your imbecile boyfriend to do the same.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 September 2012):
An abortion is intensely personal. Her reasons are her own and her reaction is also personal. Perhaps her cold hard front is just that a FRONT and deep inside she cries herself to sleep every night.
YOU DON'T KNOW...
and you don't know what she would or would not tell him.
and he betrayed her confidence by telling you and giving you the chance to JUDGE her. DO NOT JUDGE someone. EVEN if you have walked in her shoes, she is a different person from you.
To me to be honest (and poof here goes my rating down the tubes again)... the heartless person is you being all high and mighty and judgmental about someone who
a. did not tell you what she did
b. did not ask your advice or opinion
c. is not really close enough to you for you to KNOW what she is thinking or feeling... only what YOU see or HEAR about from your boyfriend.
In addition, your belief about a potential life is just that.... I've lost two babies to miscarriage one I didn't know was a miss till many years later... one was after I had two kids... and it was very early on.... to me, and my religion, a baby is not a person until it exists on it's own OUTSIDE of the mothers body... therefore I don't hold your views on grieving a mass of cells... I never grieved my miscarriages I never felt the need... they were not people or babies yet...
on the other hand,so you don't think me heartless and cruel: I've sat and grieved stillborn children (baby died when the cord wrapped around her neck and choked her to death while being born) with their aunts.... I sat with my BFF last week and grieved an 18 week old non-viable twin that had to be killed in utero so that the other twin (her first grandchild) could be born.... those babies we grieved...
I hope you can find peace to let this go and know that you need to do so so that can move on.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 September 2012):
 If you think it's all right to pass judgement on someone (anyone) else... and if you think that this woman would like for you to not speak to her.... then have at it!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI completely understand what you mean when you say it isn't right for me to judge her, which it isn't as it isn't any of my business. But I was just in shock because she isn't that type of person at all (when I say 'type' I mean the type to have an abortion and not care about it), because obviously, it isn't something you take lightly, it's killing a potential life, it isn't throwing away candy. To me, only a heartless person would act like that, and she isn't like that. I agree I think there is something else behind it and my boyfriend does too. We reckon her boyfriend has something to do with it (told her he will split up with her if she doesn't) or something dodgy like that. She didn't actually tell me, in fact she doesn't even know I know about it. She told my boyfriend (the only person she told) and he told me in secret. So, surely if there was a medial reason behind it she would tell him?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Not everyone feels the same way about children. I love children and wish I had given birth to four but one more never eventuated. Things like that happen.
However in her case I wonder if the Doctor had some sobering news for her that made it a medical necessity? A have a cousin who has had to be hospitalised virtually the whole of her 2 pregnancies and nearly lost her life on those two occasions she did give birth and both her sons were born very ill. She went against the Doctors advice. And if she had not been hospitalised for so long she would have lost her life. Finally she accepted her husband's plea and listened to the Doctor's advice and has accepted the need to keep her children to just two.
We can never know what path people have to walk. And their medical situation is their own private business which is to be respected.
What she did and why she did is for her conscience to decide. Respecting her decision and not vilifying her and not judging her is for your conscience to decide. If it were you being judged and you being thought of in a negative light, then how would you feel?
Empathy is a great skill to learn and ensuring that we do not impose our own values and attitudes on others is important.
Because what other people think of us is entirely their own problem. Trying to impose on others any thoughts on how we think someone else should live is way too much and goes way too far. It is called being Judgemenal and it is not appropriate.
All we can do is live our own lives according to our conscience and our values and our own attitudes.
What others choose to do with their lives and how they live their lives is entirely their own decision. For them to decide.
It is a tough lesson to learn.
Empathy and consideration for the feelings of others is what really matters.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 September 2012):
So, because you would be upset or devastated if you had to have an abortion,... that means that everybody else should be too, and if they are not they are monsters.
And because if you had 33 years, a job, a car , etc.. you'd feel ready to have a baby, everybody else should feel ready too and if not they are abnormal.
You are the measuring stick of anything that's appropriate, sane, decent , healthy, normal ,right and every woman who does not feel ,act or think exactly like you is wrong and as such must be blamed, shunned and avoided.
Congratulations- it's an important role that you've taken on yourself at such a young age.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 September 2012):
No you're not right to judge her. Abortions don't just exist for women in extenuating circumstances, having full reproductive control of our own bodies means we choose when and how we become mothers. Just having a steady job doesn't mean someone is obligated to become a parent. She isn't ready so what gives you the right to judge her?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (15 September 2012):
Maybe she is a cold hearted bitch. But maybe she was told she SHOULD'T have children for some reason, a medical reason, maybe the text she sent her boyfriend wasn't sent flippantly but maybe those few words were all she could manage at the time.
Maybe there was a problem with the foetus, maybe when you asked the question she didn't feel like going into the whys and wherefore's and gave those answers to stop you probing further.
As to what you tell your boyfriend, what do you want to tell him ... something along the lines of "I don't like your sister anymore because she had an abortion"?
What you tell your boyfriend depends very much on what you expect or want to happen after you tell him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): "She didn't seem this type of person at all, am I right to feel weird about this?"No, you are right to feel that it is wrong to make sweeping stereotypical prejudicial baseless arbitrary moral judgements on matters that do not concern you one whit, even if you knew all the facts, which you most certainly do not. In medicalese, any pregnancy ending before term is referred to as "abortion" (i. e., a miscarriage is a "spontaneous abortion'). Given her previous history, she may have required a medically-necessary "therapeutic abortion." Whatever the case, I would suggest that should she ever feel the need for any input from the person(s) with whom her sibling(s) happen to be sleeping with and/or shacking up at any given moment, she will inform any/all parties directly. I once worked behind the scenes at a hospital, and I learned to be diligent about moralistic hospital billers or insurance payers recoiling at the sight of the word "abortion" and thus changing medically-correct procedure codes to incorrect ones in order to deny payment. Imagine the heartbreak of grieving couple unconscionably and inexcusably and exponentially exacerbated by a notice of denial of payment and/or bill for thouands of dollars. Exactly what "type" of person does she not seem to be, and what "type' of person did she seem to be previously. "I don't feel like I'm even ready to speak to her any time soon."Absolutely positively 100% correcto-mundo. You're not ready to speak to her ever again, on any subject at any time in the future up to and including three days after eternity, for the sake of your boyfriend whom would betray by betraying your small-mindedness and high-hattedness and ignornace and insensitivity to the woman who will be his sister long, long, long after you are a forgotten long-ago ex-girlfriend. "What do I tell my boyfriend?"How about "I now realize I'm not the type of person I seem to be, as I am not worthy or deserving of the honor of having such a fine young man from such a fine family as a boyfriend. You can do much much MUCH better than me.
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