A
female
age
41-50,
*ennessy
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. We live about 5 miles apart, and in the beginning he would come over to my house to see me, call me regularly, and tell me how much he missed me if we didn't see each other during the week. As time went on, however, I noticed that I was going to him more and more; staying at his place, or going to wherever he was, and he was making less and less of an effort to come to me. I pulled back to see what would happen, and he really hasn't done anything to fill in the gap. We are now down to seeing each other about once a week, sometimes not at all, and I feel very unimportant in his life. The hard part is that I adore him. When we are together, rare though that is, we get along wonderfully. He is thoughtful, considerate, tells me how much he loves me, the sex is great, and he makes me laugh so much. If I'm out with him or at his house, he has never given me the indication that he doesn't want me to be there, and will often say he'd like me to stay. He just isn't very willing to leave his home or friends in order to be with me. I should probably mention too that he was pretty much a confirmed bachelor before I met him and he has had very little relationship practice. I have talked to him about how this makes me feel, and he says that he wants to make me happy, but he's too set in his ways and doesn't think he can change it. Do I accept this because I love having him in my life? Or do I need to move on to find someone who can give me the attention I miss?
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (14 November 2007):
 It sounds like he is placing such value on that independent status he can't let enough of himself go to give you what you want and deserve. I would suggest backing way off. Take a trip out of town and don't call him til you are gone. Let him go for days with no real contact. Stay busy and stay out of his reach for a bit. Give him space to have time to miss you.
It could be any number of reasons that he is acting the way he does. It could be just his male pride or it could be his inability to let go of past hurts. Maybe he raised himself and became cold hearted in the process. Whatever the reason you have to break thru the exterior.
When you start acting differently he is going to notice. Most men who are really interested in having a long lasting relationship with a lady will wonder what is up and come calling. Remember that if he cares for you he should be willing to give in this relationship. If you are the one who is doing the most of the giving then you need to withdraw from giving so much. Women often have a tendency to be over functioning when they love someone who doesn't reciprocate the same.
Let him remember how it was to be with you and let him miss it. If he is really into you it won't take him long to make the effort to come to you. Stand your ground and make him put in the effort to show you he wants this as much as you do. If he doesn't then you should move on. You are definantly missing something already in this relationship so you have to decide what you will and won't put up with. Make it clear to him that you can no longer handle his distant attitude and lack of attention or affection. Show him that you can be alone all by yourself, but that you can handle it if you have to.
Don't worry about where he is living. If he is ready for a real committment and he may never be, he will let you know when the time comes. If you can't keep waiting then again you should move on and find someone who will give you what you are looking for.
The best to you and Godspeed.
A
female
reader, hennessy +, writes (7 November 2007):
hennessy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Collaroy, dearkelja, and evelangel. All good advice, and unfortunately, conflicting. Just another example that relationships are rarely black and white. My real dilemma is this: my logical brain says "you need to get out, this will not provide you with what you want and need in a relationship, and he's told you he's either not willing or not able to give more". My heart says "don't you dare leave, yes there are some problems but this guy loves you and "gets" you and you have such a strong connection that you haven't found very often in your life". And so they do regular battle, and everytime he doesn't contact me for days my brain starts winning, and then he'll take me out for dinner and take me to bed and my heart gets the upper hand again. Arrrrggggghhhhhh...
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Hi again,
just one thing, we guys can be pretty darn vague about life. We just let it fly past and go about our business each day as it comes.
I only say this because your boyfriend very may well be excited about living together but its just something he is not used to dealing with, so he defers to you hoping you'll sort it out. Some guys are just like this, hopeless yeah, but we mean well .
There's really only one way you can sort this out I guess, ask him to move in with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (7 November 2007):
 You mention that he wants to be with his friends, does he make an effort to be with your friends too? Does he include you with his friends? I have met many a confirmed bachelor and they are a very independent breed. They prefer casual relationships and don't really go out of their way to contribute. If this is what you want, I'd say stay in the relationship. If you want more, then you have to push the envelope. Living together should only be considered if you have figured out a future you both can live with. If he is being selfish with his time and effort, it may breed selfishness in other areas of the relationship. I'm getting the feeling that you don't want to settle for this in a relationship and I don't blame you. Best of luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, hennessy +, writes (6 November 2007):
hennessy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response, Collaroy. He actually did bring up living together as the possible solution. Problem is, I own my home and he rents, so it only makes sense that he would live here. It doesn't seem to me like he really wants to; you'd think if he wanted to live with me he'd be at my house once in awhile, getting acclimated. When I brought that up he didn't really say anything, but he didn't deny it. I certainly don't want to push him into doing something he doesn't really want to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, evelangel +, writes (6 November 2007):
 I think it always is hard to make the relationship seem even. but if your noticing that you are making an effort and he isnt then just trial. All you need to do is not break up with him just dont call dont go over to see him and if he really wants to make an effort in the relationship then he will come to you or call you. I no it is hard. My sister has just gone through the same thing and got her answer very quickly that he was not going to make the move so they broke up. You need a relationship that is strong not one were the other parnter leans on you all the time
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (6 November 2007):
Hi,
tough call. It really does look like your boyfriend values his independence and time alone. I can see why this would be frustrating for you, but after so many years of this he probably will find it hard to give his independence up.
I guess it boils down to what you want in life. If its kids, living together... the works, then it might be an idea to broach the subject with him, see his reaction. If this is what you want then you might as well find out sooner rather than later - you have been together 10 months after all - its probably time to find out where you stand.
You mentioned nothing about living together, has this been brought up? You only live 5 miles apart, so there can be no excuse of inconvienience.
At the end of the day his reluctance to commit of his own accord is starting to get to you, everybody has there faults but if he isn't prepared to live with you and commit only you can decide whether a casual relationship is acceptable.
Good luck.
...............................
|
