A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know where to began... This WILL seem like all over the place but I'll try my best to make sense of it. It's SO long too but it's SO SO SO important to me and will affect my life deeply!! I am lost in my own little world in my head, always imagining everything and then getting angry and upset over things I MAKE UP IN MY HEAD. This have been going on for years but somehow I dealt with it... actually not really. More like get it off my chest then let it bottle up and pile up even more inside of me for the next time and time after. For example: I am dating this guy (S) I've been seeing since August of this year. We met online and both were just looking for new friends to hang out with. That night, something totally unexpected happen, we both liked each other more than friends. The chemistry was there and we bonded right away. No I wasn't desperate to find a boyfriend, was actually enjoying the single life a lot and didn't expect to date for a few months (had just broken up in may with ex of nearly 2 years + was living with him for nearly 2 years) and had met few other guys as well before I met S. We get along perfectly. He is the first guy I could see a future with and can see myself spending the rest of my life with. I've had few bfs and MANY MANY crushes in the past but nothing even come CLOSE to how I feel for S. Everything just feels right like we fit together like a puzzle.The thing about him, he's a recovering drug addict. He has this whole huge past from when he was 15-19 (he's 20 now and I'm 21). He just graduated tonight from the program for recovering and I went to the grad with his mom. The night went great, he was adorable, funny and serious all at once when he took the stand. Afterward the whole thing was over he came straight to me and gave me a huge hug and said I looked gorgeous. Night was still going well, went home, had sex bla bla... Then I went and said, "So I guess we are officially dating now" (As after couple weeks of dating he wanted me to be his gf but I said I wanted to wait till he graduated the program as he been in so many programs since 17 and always failed and never graduated from them so I wanted it to be something for him to 'look forward to' kind of deal) And he went to say that he always thought of me as his gf since that night and not starting tonight, so I said, "I wanna update my facebook then!" To which he said, "I just wanna leave my fb as it is" Right there the night turned bad. I got all "what?" and annoyed at him. True, he doesn't really update his fb much at all except to post his music every now and then BUT I wanted it to show he was taken cuz I knew he still got these girls he hooked up with and ex gfs on his friendlist. No, he doesn't even really talk to them even and if it is, it's because one is a singer and they made music in past together. I KNOW it's just facebook... why am I making it such a big deal?! I think it's due to my past, my ex of nearly 2 years flirted like mad with girls behind my back and lead them all to believe he was single, including his exes which leads me to believe today that any guys that ARE dating me don't wanna tell other girls because they still want a chance or something....... I seriously don't know what is wrong with my head and why I think such stupid things. S gives me NO reasons whatsoever that he is like my ex. Instead of getting mad at me he talked to me in calming voice (which I AM NOT USED TO because my dad always yells at me when we fight and so did the exes), does not put me down, tells me I need to 'shake my head' to let it out and does not understand why I am thinking like that. I completely have to agree with him. It's JUST facebook, who gives a shit!! Apparently I DO but WHY?We talked for an hour and half and he told me he probably won't see me for few days to let me have some time to myself to figure out why I'm being like this.Says he loves me and can see me in his future and wants to make it work nor wants me pushing him away like I tend to do with everyone else. He hates that I put myself down (funnily enough I am one of the most positive person ever but when it comes to myself I criticizes and put myself down a lot). He has SO much patient for me as I do for him. Held me for HOURS when my pet died, go walk half a block JUST to get wifi connection so he can message me on fb and does this few times a day, often telling me I am beautiful/gorgeous/ect, tells me he loves me, and such.Basically, I am calm now and I get it..... I do trust him, yet at same time in my head I mess it all up.. all by myself. My question is... How do I stop self-stabbing it? This IS the man I want to marry one day, he treats me amazing -even from day one- and even more than any other guy had. I am blessed and know I am so lucky that he is being patient with me right now but it WILL happen that he just will get sick of this and be done with me. Yes I know, I've done it enough before with different reasons and different people... but this guy truly matters to me a lot, just the way he is. Any suggestions? I never cared much in past to 'fix' it.. thought I have tried but it feels more I 'put it off and get over it till the next time when it gets 2x as bad and then time after 3x bad and so on" I do not want this with S at all. But this time, I honestly want to look him in the eyes and tell him I AM doing something about it and not just 'say' that because I feel ok right now so that next time when I self-stab myself in head and get all upset again it will be worst... I don't want it to happen again, I want to either get rid of it and if not, at least control it! SORRY this is so long.....and probably few repeats here and there. Feel free to ask for more details though if you want. I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate it A LOT to anyone that does read the whole thing and can give me some suggestions and ideas to get this under control. I love this guy a lot and willing to do whatever I need to, in order to live a healthier life and relationship as well.
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crush, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, his ex, met online, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Whoah Nelly!! This is a dude you've been dating for 3 months... SLOW DOWN! Thinking he's going to be the one you are going to marry is going to place WAY too much pressure on this relationship and your expectations of him to be too high- too soon.
How bout you try this site:
http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
Totally stealing Tisha's link, but its a good little free site of exercises that could help you- the site explains it all. Hopefully it'll help you.
You need to try to get over your past issues... If you're all suited up in armor and armed to the teeth from fighting issues with past partners, it can really be noticeable to new partners. You may as well rock up to a new date ACTUALLY wearing armor and wielding a sword it can be that noticeable!! It's likely to make people run away just as fast as well! :)
He sounds like a patient, mature guy, but everybody has their limits... If you can't find a way to stop letting past relationships harm future relationships then don't rule out seeing a counselor or psychologist, if only to vent.
Best of luck :)
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