A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hope someone can really help me on this one cause I'm lost...I met a wonderful guy 6 months ago. He is everything i have ever wanted and more, and I know I am lucky to have him...problem is he has two children from his last relationship. Girl is 3 boy is 6.I have no problem with the boy but i have the most horrible feelings of jealousy over his little girl. It's eating me up and what is making it worse is that i know it is irrational (on some levels) and also very selfish and childish.I go out for the day with them when he is seeing his kids and I am good to them and generally get along ok. his daughter is actually really keen on me and I can't help but find her cute and want to interact with her.However, when I see my boyfriend kissing her, stroking her or comforting her I get this horrible gut wrenching feeling, like i can't bear to look and I KNOW it's wrong.I have spoken to my mum about this and tried looking on the internet for advice but nothing so far has had much effect on my automatic feelings.I feel a pang of jealousy when he has been taking pics of her on his camera and comments how beautiful she is. And I know it is petty!I also know that if I am to be the one for him, I must accept his kids and learn to love them. Please don't get me wrong, I do not dislike them, in fact I like them both but it's these feelings of jealousy that make me feel so lonely and "eaten up" inside.He has said that he is very happy with the way I make and effort with his children and has said he would be "devestated" if I didn't want to be included on his days out with them.I worry that his daughter always be more important than me as a girl - like she'll be able to get her dad's attention more, he'll love her more than me, he will idolise her and it's just a bitter pill to swallow.On the other hand I love him so much it hurts. I know that if I do not step up to it and accept them I will lose him and there'd be plenty of women out there that would be quite happy to take my place.BUT at the same time i am fighting a losing battle with my emotions.I am so jealous!I hate the thoughts that SOMEONE is more important than me, when he is the most important person in my life.I guess on top of al this, i hate the fact that another woman (his ex) had and has such a strong bond with this great guy I'm with - i.e. their children together. My boyfriend and i are very close and do talk around this subject but i haven't admitted the strength of my jealousy as i know it would be curtains for us.Please help me overcome this feeling....any advice would be appreciated...But by the way, I've heard KIDS COME FIRST till I'm blue in the face and it doesn't take away the feelings any. I just want to feel peace within myself and with the man I love.
View related questions:
jealous, kissing, swallow, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sparkle1  +, writes (3 November 2010):
hi, i have 2 girls, and the guy im with also has two children, thankfully i dont experience this problem as i think its because i have children and understand that bond.
Im gonna attempt to try and explain it to you, but appologise if it ends up rambling its quite tricky to try and explain until uve experienced it first hand lol.
Look at the situation like this, how would you feel if your boyfriend felt jelous of the love between you and your parents and wanted him to come before them ... how would you react if he reacted the way you do about your parents, this is exactly the same situation just reversed ... you dont choose to love your parents, you didnt choose your parents as parents, sometimes you love them, sometimes they drive you crazy ... but you will always love them, and know they will always be there for you to take care of you if you need them and will always love you not matter what.
When you have a baby, a tiny little bundle suddenly depends on you for survival, you know that it is your job to take care of every want and need and make sure that child is happy and loved ... even if it isnt your baby, most people have that feeling even when just holding a newborn baby. That feeling sticks with you as a parent, it is down to you to make sure that child is happy loved and taken care of regardless of anything else in your life that has to be your priority.
You love your children as if they are an extension of you, they become one with you like a heart or an organ u need to live, and choosing between a partner and loosing your heart ... well the heart will always win because no one wants to loose part of themself that they cant live without. That doesnt mean you dont love or care about that partner its just natural human instinct.
The only thing i can suggest to you is to create your own bond with this little girl, at that age they are very easy to get along with and create amazing bonds with, and very easy to become protective of (whether they are your own or someone elses) ... let him enjoy some time with his son and focus your attention on his daughter, do something fun and release your inner child and try and build a relationship with her, i would guess that once you have built a relationship with her, the jelousy will subside, and it will make you smile to see them interact. It sounds to me like you feel excluded and a bit like a spare part around them, if you create your own bonds with these children then your not going to feel like this, you need to get to the place where you want to spend time with them, and you have fun with them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): I get how you feel, but with me my boyfriend doesn't have a daughter. It's his 20 month old niece I'm a little jealous of.
I watch him cuddle her, and as cute as it is to see, it makes me jealous. For me though, I think it's because I want to be a child of ours that I see him hug. Because I want a baby with him, and I know he wants one too and seeing him cuddle some one else's baby like that it makes me jealous.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): I read this and I can very much relate to you. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and he has a 3 year old daughter. I feel resentment towards her. Sometimes i feel jealous but not really mostly just resentment and i am very easily annoyed by her. I think i feel this way because last year when we started talking but we never officially dated but we seen each other a lot but never really said we were a couple. and then all of a sudden he got back with her the same morning i had driven 2 hours to be with him and help him through a difficult time he was going through and then. Then we ended up getting back together and dating 2 months later. I really hate the kids mom, and I think this has a lot to do with why I can not stand his daughter. I am very much in the same position as you.I very much want to get like his daughter like she was my own but she is annoying and spoiled and will not listen to me. I also talk to my boyfriend about how I feel because like you i want to get this all resolved because i love him very much but he just thinks that because i don't like the kids mom I don't like her. I don't have any advice for you but i just wanted to share that i knew where you were coming from.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 That's what they do, anonymous male reader.- they do carry on loving their children more than anything in the world.
Which, in normal adult individuals, does not exclude the want and the need for companionship and conversation, sexual gratification, and emotional connection and intimacy with another adult.
It's not either or. You can have both.
As it is the case of all the many people who have a good or great relationship with their partner or spouse, AND also an enormous amount of love for their children.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): not meaning to throw spanner in the works but if these single parents children are SO IMPORTANT to them, and much much more so than a partner, why do they need a partner?? Why not just carry on loving their kids more than anything in the world?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 July 2010):
Loving your partner and loving your child is different also because your partner is another person and your child is in some way a part of yourself,or at least this is what it feels like.
I'll give you an example that will sound too dramatic and too sentimental to childless people, but I think most parents could tell you it's the truth.
Suppose your significant other is seriously ill in hospital and for healing he needs a transplant of some organ from you. The problem is that the operation is risky and there is a relevant chance that you may not survive it.
You would think about it, you would at least need 24 hours to reflect ,or ask a second medical opinion.
If it is your child you just say :Ok, when do we begin ? The sooner the better.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 July 2010):
You're not a parent, and neither am I. So I don't know how it feels. But if you ask any parent secretly who they love more, the child will come first every time. You kind of hit something when you said you love your mother differently to your partner. Your mother is not someone you fancy. You fancy your partner. In the same way, he doesn't fancy his daughter, he fancies you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Hey I'm the original poster. thanks for your helpful replies.
I feel a lot more reassured but can anyone explain to me how it feels to love a child differently to your partner?
i know this may sound very nieve but I'm struggling to comprehend. I try and think how much I love my mum (and I really do, we're so close) and then I think is it the same cos I don't love my partner in the same way I love my mum!
...............................
A
female
reader, loraemoon +, writes (21 July 2010):
 to start good on you for accepting your boyfriends kids, i think a lot of people find this hard to deal with,thing is no one can tell you wot you should or shouldnt feel or think about things,the feelings you are having about his daughter will get better, maybe you dont fully understand there bond but as time goes on you will and you will feel more included,because its his only little girl hes going to shower her in love when ever he sees her, maybe hes doing that more so now that your together so that she doesent feel left out thinking he loves you more ect ect, hope you get wot im saying ,maybe your jelousy is routing from because you feel insecure about his ex maybe the girl more than the boy because shes like her mummy i dont know but one thing for sure is your partner loves you and has in a sense accepted you into his family circle its not just about you accepting his children, i can understand what your saying about the bond they shared because of having the kids together ect n thats hard i dont think i could cope with that in your situation either , jelousy comes natural when you are so in love with somebody! but can get a bit out of control and it ends up eating away at you.Again im the same if my boyfriend does so much as look at a girl, or think about a girl from his past,i feel threatened by it so much and i end up causing a scene, not because i want to but i cant control it, like wise with you you find it eating away at you, feelings you cant control but if you really put your mind to it you can make it easier on yourself, next time you get jelous about the attention try and include yourself in whatever it is thats happening,you. havent said if you have children yourself?,i think give it time and as you get to know the kids better than you do now things will get easier, if it doesent and its eating you up inside go and see your gp, maybe they can offer some kind of councelling, they can talk everything through with you be open and honest about all your feelings and that will be your key point they will be able to help you deal with this , how to handle the situations when you feel that upmost jelous feeling, i really do think that will, help,ive also got to follow my own advice about my jelousy and i will just to make life easier, but dont feel bad or guilty about how you are feeling a lot of people would feel the same in some sort of way or another, i think maybe you do need to chat to your partner about this, it might make things a lot easier if he dont know how your feeling inside he cant help you
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 July 2010):
The problem is that in your head, you appear to be mixing up the role of girlfriend and daughter. Kids obviously come first, and you know that. And he will always love her, idolize her and spoil her rotten. But he will do it for totally different reasons that he will to you. Totally. The love you feel for a child is entirely different than the love for a partner. Realistically, a child will always be loved more. He will love his daughter more, but it will always be in a different way than the way he loves you. Completely different. And that's the thing you have to realize. You're not in competition with his daughter, because she's in a different race than you. You're his girlfriend. You represent a life partner. You're not his daughter. Focus on the fact that, in your way, you are the number one in his life. His daughter is number 1 in a totally different way. You need to stop looking at her as competition for his attention, because you're not in competition with a girl who has a totally different meaning in his life.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Don't think of this little girl as an "opponent" as the love you have for a child is totally different to the love u have for a partner. Think about it, if had a baby now u would love it to pieces but you would not be replacing the love u have for this guy but instead it would be an addition.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): It's crazy that your jelous of someone so young, I guess you can't help it seem as a parent is supposed to love there children more than there spouse and you want him for yourself or whatever.
Not trying to be some physiologist but did you feel unmoved as a child?
...............................
|
