A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:"OP Own Title" My ex and I broke up several months ago. We were together for several years. It was an awful breakup and she was very hurt and angry. She said that she doesn’t love me anymore and now doesn’t even want to be friends. She wont speak to me anymore. The breakup was my fault. I wanted to see other women and when she found out she was naturally devastated. There was no other woman and I was not cheating but I became detached and eventually give up on our relationship. A part of me still loves her and so I am having a very difficult time letting go and forgetting about her. As an example, I cannot seem to get rid of a picture of her that she gave me years ago . After some self reflecting, I think my wanting to date again is connected to issues such as: women not wanting to date me but rather be “friends” (I cant even count how many times I fell into the friend trap), being shy and not socially apt for most of my life (even into my 20s), and overall ignorant at understanding women, dating and why I was not as dating material. There is been a lot of unhappiness in the past 10 years and perhaps in my childhood (which I wont go into) and I strongly feel as if I need to try to give some of those bad experiences/ failures another try – one being dating. I see two choices – one to go back and try to win my ex-back, if even possible, and simultaneously fight the feelings of wanting to date other women and the second option being to let go of her completely, which I don’t know how to make that happen. Adding to this is that I am scared like fish out of water of turning 30 in a few years and being too old for many women (especially women of similar culture and ethnicity who are usually married by their mid 20s) and therefore not being able to find a soul-mate. I realize that finding another woman like my ex – who was smart, sweet, loved me every day and was always supportive – is hard and l was lucky. Problem is, going back into a relationship might be a ticket to disaster in the future. For example, I do not want to ruin a relationship/marriage because I regret not dating enough in my 20s. Being super lonely, the most I have been in my life, is not helping. I miss my ex and I miss being loved. There is this void which I don’t know how to compensate for. I don’t know how to reconcile all of the above. What steps can I take to figure out the path that best for me and to let go of my ex-girlfriend if that is the direction I should go?
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broke up, ex girlfriend, miss my ex, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (21 July 2010):
 If you weren't ready to committ and wanted to date other people then that was the right thing for you to do.
Your girlfriend though thinks it was because she wasn't enough for you, that you fell out of love with her and you betrayed her by not being genuine with your intentions and feelings about her, and she is justified in feeling those things even if perhaps they are not completely accurate.
She wants to not have anything to do with you because she is hurt and she does need to move on, accept that the relationship is over, you're not coming back. So respect that and leave her alone. You could try writing her a letter just to let her know that you are sorry for hurting her and that you just weren't ready to stop dating others and hope that she will see this as a bump in her young life rather than a failed relationship.
You seem concerned about a few things and indicate you have some family of origin issues from your childhood and that can affect your relationship choices and your ability to trust and committ. I do think that seeing a professional counselor or therapist could be one of the best things that you do for yourself to help you work those things out and prepare yourself for a healthy long lasting romantic relationship.
But your feelings are normal after a break up even if you are the one who broke up with her, it is a loss and you have to grieve that loss and move on. The best way to do that is to stop contact and get on with your life.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 July 2010):
 You should let go of your ex girlfriend and start all over again. There is nothing wrong with being nice and understanding and it's not necessarily that women love bad guys. We all have our feminine and masculine sides. The majority of women like dominant men. You don't have to change yourself to suit the market. Doing so would be unnatural and you won't be yourself. Maybe your match is more a dominant, independent woman. For example, a 70% submissive, 30% dominant woman will be a good match with a 70% dominant, 30 % submissive man. You are not old. I was just going to say try younger women because they like it when you are teaching them life experience but then I thought that older women could be good for you too. You may not want to date again. You just have to find yourself and be more assertive. When you grew up there must have been a lot of pressure to be a man and you lost your sense of self trying to be tougher, and more sociable. Reclaim that part of innocence and just let yourself be. There might even be feelings of shame for not able to fit in. Accept everything about yourself. When you don't accept yourself the universe agrees with you and you would find woman after woman who doesn't accept you. Love yourself, be happy with yourself and your woman would see the joy coming from within you. Find a list of good things and bad things about you. Imagine what kind of woman would like you and what kind of woman you would like. Your rejecting your ex might be a projection of you rejecting yourself.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (20 July 2010):
 Keep it simple. If you think too much you're going to confuse and upset yourself. You broke up with your ex so you're better off just letting her go. Her anger and needing to distance herself is her way of getting over you. If you try to rehash those feelings it'll complicate thing. You don't exactly sound like you are saying that she is the "one that got away" but more of a "not wanting to be alone so I'll settle for her because she loved me". Let her be and just move forward.
It sounds like you've got some other issues including trouble committing. You may want to consider talking to a professional. I'm not saying you're broken and need fixing, but maybe talking to somebody that can help you understand why you've done some of the things you've done.
Finally, stop worrying. It seems you have it in your mind that you're 30 and there are no more women left because they married in their 20's. Honestly, that's why we have so many divorces in America because people are marrying too young. More and more people now are getting married in their 30's and even 40's. Stop worrying and just relax. Get your ex out of your mind because that'll hold you back. Start fresh and just start dating again. Sooner or later you will find another girl just as good or better than your ex and you get the dating out of your system.
Good luck.
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