A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am starting to wonder if I need to seek professional help as I am concerned about my mental and physical state.My reaction to my boyfriends looking at women in front of me and his fixation with a female co-worker is starting to affect my mental and physical health I fear.He will look over a woman, like in a restaurant, crane his neck to look at her if she is behind him and he has his back to her. This just happened when a woman was with her boyfriend or spouse in a booth and we were seated at a table. He just "had" to look at her and in order to do so he had to turn his head and he caught her eye. We were with his parents too. Talk about humiliating for me. It's almost like and addiction. I can site many more incidences when we go out together but the list is too long.I was ticked off enough to get up and go to the bathroom to cool off because I couldn't say anything with his parents there. I stayed in the bathroom for 10 minutes and even thought about going outside and walking around for a while.I came back in and the woman in the booth put her hand to her side of the head as if to have blinders on so she wouldn't have to see us at the table. Her boyfriend or spouse picked up on it and looked over at us. Then when we got up to leave, they got up at the same time. They hurriedly paid their bill and left right away. It was very uncomfortable and my boyfriend was oblivious to all of this because he had his back to them.I have talked to him about this and I have said that I will not tolerate it any longer. That I had this behavior in my first marriage and I won't go through that again. That I don't need to be sitting there "wasting" my time watching him watch other women and that I have better things to do with my time. I also told him how that couple reacted to his perving.He also talks a lot about a young female co-worker that got a divorce. How beautiful she is and wondering why someone would want to divorce such a beautiful lady as that. My boyfriend is divorced too so he sympathizes with her and her situation with her children since he has gone through the same thing. He talks about her a lot.Now when I think about these behaviors when I am alone, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and it won't go away! I do feel physically sick almost to where I want to throw up and that is scaring me. Then that makes me feel stressed out.I think this is all taking a toll on me and I am not sure what to do or if anyone else has experienced these types of symptoms or reactions if a man exhibits this type of behavior and what have they done about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): @HappyPlace,(30 August 2013). The OP here.Thank you for the article. The words sociopath and contempt jumped out at me and scared the heck out of me as well. Something somewhere must have happened to these men to exhibit this type behavior in public when they are dating a woman. They don't appear to have any boundaries or self-control.I have already told him I wouldn't tolerate it anymore. I will have to follow through with that and leave...for my own sanity and get my self-esteem back which has plummeted. I use to be a strong woman. I just CAN'T keep having this happen everytime we go in public together. Like I told him, I have better things to do with my time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): His behaviour is disgusting.
I too, feel nauseous thinking about my partner looking at/finding other women attractive... and that's why I would never be with a man like that. And neither should you.
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female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (30 August 2013):
 Psychology Today article reckons men who do this are borderline sociopaths. If you've asked him to stop and he continues, then he has a contempt for you which is worse than the ogling. Hope the following article helps from psychology today:-
" I understand that insecurity is a big problem today, especially for women. And I'm a self-deluded victim who looks at everyone else as better-looking even when I have a loving husband who regularly reminds me of my beauty and his love for me. I know my husband loves me as I love him. But when I see him look another woman up and down, my blood boils. If I say something, he rants and raves about my insecurities. Everyone tells me to just let it go, that it's "just human nature." I just can't bring myself to accept that, but should I?
You're right to keep the matter alive—not because it takes a big emotional toll on you but because the real issue is not your husband's looking at other women in a very obvious way. It's his contempt for your feelings. There's nothing natural about that. And it's a very destructive force in any relationship.
By definition, a marriage requires that two people be sensitive to each other's emotional needs and set some ground rules, working out behavior patterns that don't constantly grate on each other. Yes, obviously ogling other women when he's with you is a little too blatant and comes across as an implicit put-down of you and the relationship. It doesn't take a whole lot of insecurity to dislike it. In fact, there are far better reasons than insecurity for why it's problematic: It's just downright disrespectful of the company he's with. It's an indirect display of contempt.
It's troubling that his response is to rant and rave about your insecurities. That is simply compounding the diss to you. Far from mustering any sympathy for your distress, he's taking your vulnerability and using it as a weapon against you. And then he's blaming you, making it your problem, not a consequence of his indulgent behavior. I'm not sure what you consider a "loving husband," but this is not anyone's definition of loving behavior.
You simply can't keep accepting the victim stance and expect the relationship to improve. For starters, you have to break the pattern of hot reactivity around his ogling behavior. Try not saying anything at all the next time, and the next. Sure, your blood will still boil, but prepare in advance to distract yourself from the inner turmoil. Don't offer up what he deems your insecurities as fodder for an attack on you. Your husband is bound to notice eventually that you're not reacting. When he does, that's the time to have a calm conversation about the situation. Find a place to talk.
You need to say something along these lines, in your own words: I don't like you looking at other women when we're out together, because it is very disrespectful to me and our relationship and it makes you look foolish. But I don't have the power to stop you, and I won't even try. What I do need you to do is stop attacking me if I voice discomfort. How should we handle this situation the next time it comes up? If he is unwilling to negotiate new ground rules, then tell him the personal attacks are unacceptable and you just simply have to avoid going out with him until he can come up with a better way. Then stick to the plan.
Just to let you know I have been with my partner for 7 years, married for just under 1 year and he used to do this at the start of our relationship. I was like you in that I felt physically sick and it was really the only thing we argued about. I have issued him with an ultimatum and it seems to have worked. What also worked, was I saw two incredibly good looking guys (my partner is a looker so I never normally had the desire to look elsewhere) who got me all flustered, so I understand the power of looking at attractive people. My partner hadn't noticed so when we got in the car, I said "my, my, that young man was sooooo handsome". My partner through pursed lips and looking furious said "if I was to say that about a lady, you'd be furious". And I said "but honey, when you look at a lady you are telling me that anyway without words". I think that sunk in and we've just returned from a holiday in the South of France, with multiple attractive women prancing round in bikinis, and I have to say he just doesn't look any more, or certainly not that I would notice. I am now feeling peaceful. Good luck to you xx
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female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (30 August 2013):
 You're right, OP. I don't think it's the looking so much that bothers you as much as it's him sending out signals to other women that he's interested. That indicates he would probably cheat of the right opportunity presented itself. A brief glance in a woman's direction every now and then wouldn't bother you, would it? You're also right in saying his behavior is risky. He better watch himself, because not every guy would be nice about the staring. I know if my husband saw a guy staring at me like you described your boyfriend at the restaurant he would at the very least confront the guy, and tell him to knock it off. I imagine some guys would get physical if they were pissed off enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): @Tisha-1...The OP here.So the nausea happens later, when you are thinking of his actions? The fact that he is attracted to other women or lusts after them isn't a contributing factor?Yes, that is correct. The fact that he is attracted to other women, and I will give some leeway here, is because we are all human. I'm human too and if I see a good looking guy, yes I may take note, maybe even be attracted to the guy, but I don't take it to the next level out of "respect" for who I am with and especially in front of them. It all comes down to respecting the person you are with.I guess it is a fine line here though, because he is openly telling the woman he is staring at, hey I find you attractive or is sending her signals and the person I am with (me) is not or he wants her to take notice of him. It's bold and risky on his part because she was with her boyfriend or spouse. I wouldn't be surprised if a guy would clock him one at some point for staring like that at his girlfriend or wife.It gets complicated how the mind works. I guess the nausea "could" be because he was also sending signals to the other woman the he was interested in her. It is probably a mixed bag of the two, his actions and his letting be known his attraction so openly to other women.I even get nauseated typing this. It puts me in a state of bodily stress.
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female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (29 August 2013):
"He also talks a lot about a young female co-worker that got a divorce. How beautiful she is and wondering why someone would want to divorce such a beautiful lady as that."
That is odd, people might disagree with me on this but I think in a happy relationship a person shouldn't look at other people much and that includes porn.
It's an unwritten rule that you shouldn't look at other people when your spouse is present.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2013):
 "The only time I get nauseated and feel like throwing up, is later when I think of his actions and just the fact that he is attracted to other women or lusting after them. It makes me sick inside."
So the nausea happens later, when you are thinking of his actions? The fact that he is attracted to other women or lusts after them isn't a contributing factor?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): @Tisha-1...The OP here.
Do you get physically nauseated just thinking about him possibly being attracted to another woman?
No, actually, I don't. I hope that narrows it down.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2013):
Let's take his gawking out of it, and the co-worker.
Do you get physically nauseated just thinking about him possibly being attracted to another woman?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): He is a pig, and you know that. No manners, no respect and consideration for you and other women that he ogles. Just terrible, I know men like that, if they only knew how uncomfortable they make us by doing it. I would be very strict with him about it. I don't know if he will change, but be on his case every time he does it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): A boyfriend shouldn't make you feel physically sick, that is your body telling you to dump him. He shouldn't act like that, and you shouldn't put up with it. He is rude and has no consideration for anyone. I've dated someone who did that, and yes it made me sick, so I know what you're going through. He's not going to change. The best thing you can do is get him out of your life, trust me on this. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): A agree with sage, you are repeating they same pattern. why are you attracting these guys? Run dont walk he doesn't deserve you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): @Tisha-1...The OP here. He denied it of course. He said he thought he recognized the guy she was with which is utter b.s. I told him I did not believe him. It's always some excuse instead of taking responsibility for his actions. It's always deny, deny, deny. Then he said he is sorry I felt that way. The next day we watched a movie about a widowed woman that wouldn't date a man that was trying to court her and the woman was curt with the man's attempts. My boyfriend said women are all the same. Of course I knew what he was referring to. He also said hopefully I will still be around if he doesn't f*ck it up anymore than he already has. At least there was a little breakthrough or awareness of his actions.The only time I get nauseated and feel like throwing up, is later when I think of his actions and just the fact that he is attracted to other women or lusting after them. It makes me sick inside. I don't think it is anything else going on medically since that is the only time I experience getting a sick feeling. That is what is concerning me is my bodily reaction to his actions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): He is making you feel anxious, because you KNOW he will always do this at every chance. You have to be careful or you may wind up having panic atttacks due to this type of anxiety. I would speak to someone professional about this and tell them how you feel and what started it. It is a level of discomfort you are feeling that is not healthy and this SELFISH GIT is doing nothing to ease how HE makes you feel.I would end this relationship because at the same time it is pointless getting him NOT to look, because you know he really wants to, and one can not control another.You need to be single for now and work on re-building your self esteem, and finding a boyfriend who can't take his eyes off you, although quite natural to glance at other women, theis level is wrong.Don't try and change them, change how you see you.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 Sageoldguy hits it well. Wow. Im appalled.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 August 2013):
You said you talked to him about it. What was his response?
Pending his input into your distress, I'd say that if you are this bothered by his actions and he isn't bothered to change his gawking enough to a polite glance, then I think you may need to consider ending the relationship.
Have you talked to your doctor about your physical reaction to stress? There may be some underlying reason for you nausea. You are at an age where things start to pop up….
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 August 2013):
 WHY would you spend another FIVE MINUTES with a guy who acts like this?
Did you know that there are OOOODLES of guys "out there" who would love to date and romance a girl like you? ... and, that romancing would have them RESPECTING you sufficiently that they would NOT be ogling any and every other hottie who came in to his perview WHILEST YOU WERE THERE WITH HIM?????
Dump this guy and get a REAL boyfriend.....
Good luck.....
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female
reader, YoungButNotNaive +, writes (28 August 2013):
This infatuation he has with his coworker is concerning. I also want to point out that saying he can't understand why someone would divorce "such a beautiful lady" was a very ignorant statement for him to make. She may be beautiful on the outside, but she could be quite the opposite on the inside. How much does he actually know about her? She may seem nice at work, but she could be putting on an act. Who knows what she may have been like at home? She may have been a nag, lazy, or controlling, or all of the above. Also, who knows what she looks like when she wakes up in the morning? Half her outer beauty could be makeup and spending 2 hours fixing her hair for all your boyfriend knows. Marriage is so much more than looks, and her husband obviously had his reason(s) for leaving her. Now, onto his looking at random women in public. Everyone notices beauty, but if he actually stared to the point where he made someone uncomfortable enough to leave a restaurant, then there's a problem. You were not out of line to confront him about this. I'm sure it was embarrassing for you, as well as it was disrespectful of him to do such a thing. If you've told him you won't tolerate it any longer, then don't. If you keep saying that to him, but not doing anything about it, he won't take you seriously. He'll realize you're all talk, and you're not actually going to do anything about it. You're also right in saying you have better things to do with your time than watching him watch other women. You know what you have to do. There are respectable men out there who can have a quick glance just every now and then, and don't feel the need to check out EVERY single pretty woman walking by.
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