A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop worrying and being jealous when my boyfriend talks with his ex girlfriend?My boyfriend is friends with this ex and they have a few close mutual friends, and whenever he talks to his ex, I get a little jealous and worried and I don't know why. I guess because they were together for a very long time and were each other's first love and she hurt him and dumped him.He said he's over her, and a part of me believes him but another part of me just doesn't know if I can deal with this ex thing anymore, I've been dealing with it for almost a year now and he knows it upsets me but I don't bother him about it anymore. But honestly, other than this he is a really nice guy and I love him and don't want to lose him over this. I don't want to feel upset about it but I do.What would you do if you were in my situation?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (8 December 2013):
 If it were I dealing with this at your age, I’d be a bit curious as to why he needs to talk to an EX after a year, if there are no children, first love or not!
Evidently he’s not over being dumped as it does take them longer to move on to be with anyone else fully and completely. So while you tolerate this going on “after a year”, and don’t bother him about it anymore, how is he ever to rebuild and focus on – YOU?
But to be a little jealous is about being a little insecure, and I guess this would bother me because he hasn’t had a break in between, being dumped and entering another relationship perhaps? So how soon did you two meet after his break-up? Were you there to pick up the pieces?
Either way he’s still carrying a sentimental flame for her and mutual friends, which will (hopefully) eventually die down when you start creating ‘your own circle of friends’, places to go and building memories. Therefore I’d start rebuilding :)
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, Lieutenant  +, writes (8 December 2013):
I think you might be acting silly. Has he done anything to make you think he doesn't want to be with you and wants to be with her? Has she done anything that makes you think that she wants him back?I've been in the shoes of the ex-gf whose ex-bf's current gf was a complete and utter cunt and decided that her bf should cut all ties with me because she was a jealous and psychotic crazy woman. People break up because they don't want to be together anymore. Granted there are situations when people get back together after breaking up; however if this girl has not given you reason to think that she wants to get back with your bf and if your bf hasn't given you reason to think that he wants to have an inapproproiate relationship with his ex behind your back, then chill out already.If it bothers you much, then tell your bf that you want to meet his ex. Since he is friends with her, you want to be friends with her as well. If he is very apprehensive about this, then maybe there's something that he's hiding and if the girl has nothing to hide, she wouldn't mind a whole lot. You might find out that she only wants to maintain a completely platonic friendship with your bf and you might actually end up liking her. There's always better ways to deal with situations that throwing tantrums like 3 year olds and telling your bf not to be friends with someone he's been friends with before you came along, like a hormonal highschool girl.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (8 December 2013):
 I know you feel like you will "bother" him if you bring this up but you have the right to insist that your CURRENT relationship with him take precedence over his PAST relationship with her.
I don't think it's necessary for him to completely cut contact with her (especially if they share friends and doing so would make things awkward) but he does need to make it clear to you both that *YOU* are the primary woman in his life. If you're feeling neglected, he's not handling this properly. If he's making her a priority, he's not handling this properly. And if you don't address this with him, you're setting up a place in your heart and your relationship for resentment to take root and grow.
You don't really specify how frequently they're in contact or under what circumstances, so I'll address a couple of the variations I see as possibilities here...
I don't think it would be inappropriate for you to request that he invite you to some of the events where they see each other, if you aren't attending these already. He shouldn't be confiding in her about your relationship, and he shouldn't be telling her anything that he wouldn't say in front of you. If he's going behind your back and talking to her and hiding or trying to hide that fact from you, that is worth being concerned about. Your post doesn't include much detail about this, but if any of it is taking place, I'd sit down and talk to him about how it makes you feel and how it is not something you are willing to continually accept in your relationship. Ask him what he feels a good compromise would be and listen with an open mind but don't back down from the point that he shouldn't be hiding any of this from you.
If, on the other hand, you attend social events with him, she sees you together, and he's upfront with you about when and where he sees and talks to her, that's probably about as much as you can ask of him before you run the risk of appearing insecure and pushing him away. In that case you will either have to live with the fact that he hasn't completely cut her out of his life and accept that they chat from time to time, or live without him and look for someone who doesn't hang on to exes as friends.
Good luck and best wishes with this :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): Hi.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is not easy to deal with.
Jealousy can sometimes be irrational and a fear you may have based on their history together. Or it can be based on a gut feeling or intuition you may have... that you may not even be aware of... that is giving you these nagging doubts about your boyfriend and his ex girlfriend.
Does he do or say anything at all to justify your jealousy and suspicions? How does he interact with her? Is his relationship with her too close for comfort? Does he text her or see her a lot? Is she too big a part of his life for an ex? First you need to look at that.
Second, does he make you feel secure in your relationship? Pay attention to you? Call you beautiful? Make you feel loved? Make time for you? Values you in his life? Reassures you of how much he loves you?
Third, does he cancel plans with you out of the blue? Say he will be somewhere and lied? Has he started acting distant and removed? Is he working a lot more lately? Have more of a separate life and doing things without you? Seems to want to hide things from you? Evasive? Changing stories? Anything along those lines to arouse suspicious behaviour?
So... is this jealousy based on reality or is it just a worry that is based on your own insecurities? Or something your boyfriend does that stirs up these feelings in you... either by not paying you enough attention or by paying her too much attention? Both?
Us women usually have a gut feeling about this stuff. If you have one, do not ignore it. Try to talk to him. But even if you do, he will never admit to anything... so this may not work. He will say you are crazy or imagining things.
So it will be up to you to investigate further. Do you want to know for sure? Or do you want to continue going through this relationship with doubt and trust issues? It will never work if you are doubting him and not trusting him.
I do empathize because guys should not be friends with ex girlfriends once they have moved on in my opinion. It creates for a lot of unnecessary drama. And if they are friends, maybe they need to limit that contact. Maybe you need to speak to him about setting some ground rules that will make you comfortable. If he truly cares, he will do whatever makes you happy. If he does not want to meet your needs, then that is a red flag for you. So be careful.
I do not trust my boyfriend right now. He left his girlfriend to be with me. So he cheated on her. I worry all the time he is doing the same to me... whether I am imagining it or not... And it is eating away at me... and it affects us as a couple.
I am always asking him questions about his whereabouts etc. Maybe too much so. So my point is if you continue to hound him about your issues, it may end up driving him away. So if you choose to talk to him, try to get the answers you need to feel comfortable. But even then you may not feel comfortable because jealousy and worry overtake you... despite your best intentions. You may allow them to go away and have a good day but then they will creep up yet again and the whole cycle repeats itself... and it becomes a vicious circle.
Really the only way you can find out for sure is to follow him and see where he is going and what he is doing. If you see that he is not doing anything out of the ordinary, this should alleviate your concerns for awhile.
But they will not go away.
As long as he is friends with his ex, you will always feel worried and jealous.
It depends on how much you are willing to take and how much you can handle.
I know that it is hard because your heart is with him and you do not want to leave him and you want to believe in him. But at the end of the day, you need to be accountable for yourself and your own emotional well being.
I hope it all works out for you. Not an easy situation. Take Care. Stay strong.
But please talk to him and if he denies it or refuses to compromise in any way, find out for yourself if it is really bothering you that much.
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