A
female
age
36-40,
*ute without the e
writes:I've never seeked help over the internet for relationship issues, so as you can imagine typing this is extremely hard - mostly so, because I feel as though no matter what I say, people are going to interpret things different to how I feel, but I just need some sort of advice, because I NEED to become a better girlfriend.I have had several boyfriend's since 14. All have been pretty serious relationships. Shortest relationships being 6 months - the longest was nearly 2 years - and that ended this year. In the past, I have trusted far too easily, i have let people walk over me, been cheated on and constantly lied to. I believe this has made me the way I am today. I know I still hold the scars of my past and they are almost impossible to rid... if anything they are just getting worse. I have become this JEALOUS, needy, paranoid, non-trusting, worried, scared, even obsessive girl, but these characteristics only show when I am going out with someone... To explain this to you - so you have a picture in your mind, I will need to go back a bit.Before my (recent ex) and I broke up (the nearly 2 year r.ship) I was hanging out with a guy friend who I met in 06.. we had met in June 05, but I do not remember him, but to my suprise he remembered me. After months or not seeing eachother we re-met in Nov 06 at a mutual friend's bday, and that was the fist time I thought I met him. Throughout the night we spoke a bit and I noticed him staring at me, smiling at me - interested in me. For some reason, I just wanted to get to know him better... at the end of the night I gave him my number to catchup.He msgd me that night and wanted to take me out on a date, I told him I had a boyfriend. We didn't msg eachother until May 07 when we started hanging out. We started seeing eachother alot, days at a time, then maybe a week without seeing eachother and then a few days here and there, sometimes more than others. Whenever I wanted to see him, he was up for it, he would give up seeing his friends, give up training and even work sometimes to hang out with me at my convenience. He would come and pick me up, we would go for aimless drives wherever, he didn't mind driving, we talked and drove, listened to songs we both knew and love and just became the best of friends over the months. I always knew he liked me, and I started to warm to the fact that this guy was head over heels for me.. and I felt like I had a crush on him.When things were bad between my boyfriend at the time, he would always be there, it used to hurt him to hear how inlove I was with him but he listened and gave me advice - not once did he tell me to leave my then boyfriend for him.. he was always sincere. He made me feel so alive, so special, the way he would call me or msg me, he would make so much effort, plan things, be there for me... Anything I didn't get from my then boyfriend I found those qualities in him, we had so much in common, we were the same age, the same star sign, and we had more then just those things in common - it's actually quiet scary all the things we have in common, our views were generally the same on certain topics, he was the best friend I could have ever asked for.Whenever my then boyfriend and I had fights he would listen to me and never criticise, I told him that guys generally wanted to be with me before they get to know me really well, they would do anything for me, then once they have me - it's like they loose interest. I told him about my past, about how insecure I am with relationships and that I never trust easily - I always think they are up to something when they are with their friends or out, I just cannot trust a boyfriend going out to clubs without me there, or being friends with other girls. He used to say things like, "if you are not comfortable with something your boyfriend is doing fair enough, they shouldn't be doing those sort of things if they know it would upset you or make you worry" or "they should always try to make you happy and forget other girls" stuff like that, it made me feel really special.He even deleted all the girl fiends he had in his phone to prove to me that he would rather me then them, I never even asked him to, but he did.After my then boyfriend and I broke up this year in January. My best friend and I started to hang out as much as we did back when I was with my ex. We were both into eachother very much by this time but I just didn't want to jump into things so soon.. all I knew was that if we were to start going out I knew I'd be able to trust him because I had known him for some time and I knew the sort of person he was. By March we couldn't wait any longer and started going out. We haven't even been together 4 months and we have fought so much, our views are so different, he is angry that he can't do as he pleases with his friends and I am the needy, paranoid, jealous girflriend again. It seems like it doesn't matter that I knew him for as long as I did before we were together, for some STUPID reasons I just cannot help but worry. I have always had self esteem issues, and that comes into it to, I feel like I'm not good enough for him, that he may want a hotter girl, that if he were to go out with his friends he'd be flirting or checking out other girls, even some of the msgs he receives from his friends makes me sad and annoyed - those disgusting porno type of clips... I just feel as though if he dwells on other women that he isn't happy with what he has - and that's me.When we were friends I told him I'd be like this - I warned him and he was always like "no, you have every right to be that way, I'd treat you good if I ever got the chance to be your boyfiend", but now that we are together things are so much different.He doesn't try as hard as he did when we were friends, his msgs are so bland now - they use to be so full of sweet things when we were friends. I have tried to be a better girlfriend for him, and I know I have improved as opposed to me recent ex... but it's still not good enough. I always feel like he might be up to something (not like cheating - because I have more faith in him then that) but even the idea of being close to another women makes me feel so upset.Whenever he hangs out with this friends or guy cousins I hang out with my friends or do things to not make me think of what they may be doing but its always at the back of my mind. When he is in the company of his friends or guy cousins and he doesn't msg me or whatever, and I'm waiting for him to because it's so easy for me to do it, but I just want to see if he'd make the effort and he doens't.. it makes me worried.I didn't think I'd fall as hard as I have for him, and now that I have... it's impossible to be that monster girlfriend. I don't want to loose him but he even told me recently that he doensn't see things working out in the long run if I'm like this.I love him, very much... and I have days where I feel like I can trust him and not be jealous, but as soon as there is other women involved (in whatever sense that may be) I get jealous and worried.If you have any advice for me, I would deeply appreciate it if you could help me.
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best friend, broke up, cousin, crush, flirt, insecure, jealous, my ex, porn, self esteem, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cute without the e +, writes (17 July 2008):
cute without the e is verified as being by the original poster of the question I appreciate both your answers very much, and I WILL try to regain my confidence as a girlfriend and as an individual. You are both right in saying that it will effect this r.ship and any other if I were to be in one because of how I am... If things are beyond my control, then they will be. I guess I have always thought that I can control outcomes or situations - sheltering myself in order to not get hurt. But life is life, and I need to move forward - not backwards.
Thanks once again
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): HiI like the fact that you admit and recognize the jealousy, that is a good first step. I think you are an intelligent young lady and realise a lot of your feelings are simply insecurity. If you start to try and detach from( what if he does this or that) which will be very hard and take a really good look at how unique and special YOU are. Forget the jalousy bits because they are not really YOU, they are fear. Think of the worst senario total unfaithfulness even imagine him in the act and then the fear might not seem so horrible. you must without doubt forget your past trust issues it holds no relevance what so ever to the present moment, unless you hold on to it. When you are in a club with him do not spend the night watching who he may be looking at, and you be the girl he looks at, have fun go and dance you will shine if you look happy. A girl can look very very attractive in the club but she may not have that special quality of personality that keeps guys interested. You must look at your own qualities not others we are all different.( If you hold sand in your hand too tight, the grains will slip through your fingers, just lay sand in your open hand and it will stay.) TRY IT! and imagine this as you holding too tight onto boyfriends.You would end up spending every hour of every day in the fear of him looking at other girls ETC, it is quite natural to just let him have a look, even reverse things show him pictures of pretty models in magazines and bit by bit your fears will start to fade, you won't feel so threatened, even in clubs comment on how you maybe like a girls outfit or hairstyle etc. If you dont try and face these fears it will ruin this and all future relationships and make both lives utterly miserable. Think the worst if he goes off with another girl....what can you do about it absolutly nothing you would have no choice but to accept the situation. I seriously would start putting you first and join a dance class etc, somthing that makes you feel good about you. Detach from what if's and know that you have all the qualities needed for good relationships BUT only if you loose the jealousy. I wish you luck and remember to try the sand for yourself and have a good think and think of you.
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A
female
reader, BendychickP +, writes (16 July 2008):
 It is a shame that most of your views on the male kind are that they are untrustworthy, liars, cheaters and over dominant losers. I can see why you're are feeling insecure, it is hard to trust after such an awful experiance. You need to stop thinking that you need to get rid of the scars of the past, more embrace them and learn from your mistakes. This boyfriend of yours sounds wonderful and I think that the only reason you have gone into this paranoid 'monster girlfriend' phase is because you kept telling yourself that you would. The whole time you were friends, you were telling him and yourself about what you would be like. It is the same with low selfesteem, as an example, if you tell yourself you are ugly, slowly but surely you will begin seeing yourself as uglier and uglier. This is the same with feeling paranoid. You have also probably accidentally placed all men in the same categories as 'bad' and 'playa'. You and your brain don't mean to, but you do anyway out of association. You need to have a chat with your boyfriend about how you are feeling and apologise about how you've been acting. You should also let him know that the problem isn't him and that if he's not going to stick around for the hard times in a relationship then he is welcome to go. You should also consider going to see a counsillor or therapist for your physcological and self esteem issues. Don't be afriad to ask for help. Good luck with your boyfriend :)Bendy xx
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